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Oh, liver.
By briantologist | June 27, 2003
Survived night one of Dr. Voltron’s preunptial booze-a-thon. I kept thinking it seemed pretty mild, but all of a sudden I got the “If I take even one more sip of beer I’m gonna blow chunks on the person across the table from me” feeling. But then the lights came up, and everybody got thrown out, so I had a graceful out. ‘Cause god knows I strive to be as graceful as everyone naturally expects a lummox like me to be.
Highlights: Can’t remember most of them. However, there was discussion of the degree to which Burt Reynolds’ balls were hairy during the filming of “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” (that degree would be “extremely,” we decided). Also, this girl showed up who, we determined, had gotten in kind of a shouting match with Agent Foxxy Boxing during a particularly drunken outing several months ago. This girl is, as we say in the old country, a ho; the last time we saw her she made out with maybe six different guys during the same bar visit, then led her (squat, portly) friend up on top of the bar, SHRIEKED at the top of her lungs about how “it’s my friend’s fuckin’ birthday, and y’all motherfuckers need to sing happy birthday!“, and then her friend flashed her bra to an unwilling bar, twice, and we were all kind of amazed. And as Agent Foxxy B. got drunker, she started to guess the ho’s name: “Tara? I bet it’s Amber. Or Ashlynn. Kara? I don’t know. Something that rhymes with ‘fuck.’” Fortunately A.F.B. was able to settle the bet by bellowing reasonably across the bar, “HEY, ASHLYNN! KARA! TARA! WHAT’S YOUR NAME? I THINK IT’S HEATHER!” I think it turned out to be Tara or Kara, but ultimately it doesn’t matter that much.
Anyway, the cops hauled K/Tara off last night for having a fake ID, I believe was the charge. Also they were lingering around and lurking and generally sort of acting threatening. These weren’t the decent cops, the ones who basically just seem like they’d like to do their jobs and go about their business; these, friends, were the fat cops. The hulking cops. The cops with something to prove. Beware these cops. They are not the friendly, helpful types they were portrayed as being when you were in kindergarten learning what to do if you got lost in a mall or witnessed a drug or real estate deal gone sour. They’re the Ray Liotta cops. I think you know what I’m talking about here.
Anyway. Nobody got pulled over, I think everybody’s alive, and I didn’t have to go to work today. Good times.
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