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Food for think
By briantologist | August 31, 2003
Maybe a year or two ago, I was at our dear, dear Caz’s with Mr. Jimmy Jam one evening, when an idea sprang from my head, fully armed and dressed for battle. It promptly left the bar, as said bar was clearly no place for good ideas. A few moments later a second idea climbed from the gash in my head: Clearly, this idea muttered, spitting bits of blood and brain, clearly there should be written a “Lame Hot 100 List,” a catalog of all that which we, being obviously extensively qualified to form such a list on society’s behalf, deemed lame.
Lame holds a special place in all of our hearts, whether we realize it or not. Unlike that which is simply stupid or irredeemable, things which are lame inevitably appear with some regularity in our own lives, often by our own bidding. In other words, of the far more than 100 items and phrases on this list, probably a good two or six play, or have played, a pivotal role in your upbringing. You might even hold these lame things close to your heart; that is, I cannot stress enough, entirely okay. I myself am on this list, as is Jimmy Jam, without whose help this list wouldn’t have been half as extensive or good.
Thanks are also due to Chris Manahan, a college friend of mine who happened to be in town that fateful evening, and who greatly added to said list. Shortly after I met Darleece, I learned that she’d gone to middle school in scenic Oklahoma City with Chris. She later showed me yearbook pictures of his middle school mullet (frolet), which made my heart soar.
So. Anyway. I warn you, this list is way long, and I’m probably gonna rest on its laurels for several days. I encourage you to contribute any additions to this list via e-mail or via the comments box, as I like to consider this list a living, breathing entity that will grow and change as society evolves, and comes up with new lame shit.
Also, I’m thinking about turning this into a book, so nobody plagarize, please.
The Lame Hot 100 List
• Christian Rock/Music
• Crisis Hotlines
• Training sessions
• Sexual harassment training films
• David Copperfield
• Magicians in general
• All of Branson
• The Special Olympics
• Inspirational handicapped people
• Sportcoats worn with penny loafers, t-shirts
• Foreign language classes taught in elementary school
• Non-rappers rapping; see also Wholesome rap
• Inspirational forwarded e-mails
• Greeting Cards
• Minitrucks
• Home videos, funniest
• Targeted marketing
• Dorm rooms
• Ceiling fans
• Headlight wipers
• Car Toys
• Hooters
• Strip Clubs/Strippers
• “Sexy Lingerie”
• Free T-shirts
• Fake wood
• Reunion tours
• Friday
• “Wacky” things
• Anniversaries
• Bringing your own pool cue
• Serapes
• Todds
• Bringing your motorcycle helmet into the bar with you
• Baby talk
• Guy in the airport with snakeskin boots and a guitar case, The
• Brand new Pontiacs
• Picnics in the park
• Guys who play their guitars for girls in the park
• Semi-pro karaoke
• Frathouse car washes
• Charity car washes
• Work functions
• Chicago (the band)
• Neon (as a whole)
• Great big exhaust pipes on Hondas
• Those strips that go across the top of the windshield that say the brand name of the car or its stereo or the business from which the latter was purchased (see “Toys, Car”)
• Cell phone belt clips
• That guy right there
• Locally owned (non-chain) mall stores
• Locally produced TV ads
• Non-beer “malt beverage” innovations
• Man-babushkas
• Brian*
• Giant Palm-o-phones**
• Acoustical tile
• Florescent lights that claim to give off “natural” light but totally don’t
• NASA
• Band candy
• Local politics
• Coupons
• Sax solos
• Boulder, CO
• Recumbent bikes
• Laminating things
• Hipbones
• Tori Gap, the
• Bizkit, Limp
• Spenser Gifts
• Multitasking
• Game shops
• Nicknames
• Powder blue
• Jimmy Buffett
• Jimmy Buffett
• Jimmy Buffett
• Jimmy Buffett
• Jimmy Buffett
• Jimmy Buffett
• Jimmy Fucking Buffett
• Jimmy Buffett
• Jimmy Buffett
• Everything and anything that has anything to do with Jimmy Buffett (see also “Parrotheads”)
• People singing along with that David Allan Coe song*** in bars
• “Loving things to death”
• Cruise ships
• Dolphin lovers
• Unicorns
• Backpacks
• Tribute bands
• Abercrombie & Anything
• Palm Pilots
• Mickey Mouse Anything
• “10 Ways to Drive Your Lover Wild!”
• Graffiti about Jesus
• “Cool” church
• The office comedian
• Computer animated ads
• ALL COCA-COLA MERCHANDISE EVERYWHERE OF ANY KIND
• After-parties
• Giant greeting cards
• “Designers”
• “Parenting skills”
• Fucking Jimmy-ass motherfucking Buffett
• Journaling at the bar
• Sketchbooks
• Reading philosophy books in public (when not specifically assigned said by an actual living professor)
• “Executive” anything****
• “Just takin’ a year off.”
• “We’re just good friends”/”We’ll still be friends.”
• Tucking in your t-shirt
• Slow-dancing in a bar where there is no clearly established dance floor
• Fast-dancing at same
• Dale Earnhardt memorial crap (bumper sticker: “#3 — GOD NEEDED A DRIVER”)
• Those fake shaving cream cans you’re supposed to hide shit in
• Fake books (for shelf dressing, or for hiding shit, as above)
• Connoisseurs
• Very special episodes
• Vacation episodes
• Gallon-sized milk jugs
• “Really fine champagne”
• Retro
• Empathizing
• Air quotes
• “There he is!”
• Fantasy sports leagues
• Open mic night
• Telethons
• Dark religions
• Aficionados
• Trendy girls
• Trendy guys
• Hemp anything
• First names that are last names (“Time to pick up McKenzie and Taylor from soccer practice in the Expedition!!! I’m fucking evil and horrible and awful, incidentally!!!”)
• The WNBA
• Made-for-TV Movies (non-HBO)
• Movies edited for television
• Rob Lowe
So there you have it. Again, I wholeheartedly encourage you to contribute any additions to this list you feel have been unjustly omitted or overlooked. A reminder, though, that I myself already appear on this list, and as such, that joke is officially taken.
Topics: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
April 1st, 2005 at 11:15 am
Fuck you……David Allan Coe is King mother fucker!
April 1st, 2005 at 11:34 am
WEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOO!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
WEEOOOO!!!!