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And the nominees are …
By briantologist | September 7, 2003
In an unforseen development, I’ve been asked to be a presenter at the Spot Music Awards, a shindig put on by the our local paper’s weekly entertainment mag to honor local bands, or at least to make them feel important. Which I believe is roughly the same as honoring them.
This presentership is due partly because of the fact that I work for our NPR station here in lovely Tulsa, and am thus marginally known enough to be thrust up there onstage, and partly because I know the guy who’s putting the whole thing together, and let’s face it, these awards aren’t gonna give themselves away.
But there’s a third factor coming into play here: At last year’s awards, which my ID card from aforementioned local paper got Darleece and me into free of charge (I worked at said paper for a couple of years, and they weren’t particularly concerned about me handing over my credentials), we were thrilled to learn that the Four-Day Furniture Guy was on hand to present an award. He’s known for being bug-eyed and fat, and for doing this weird arm movement during commercials for Four-Day Furniture, this discount furniture place on the north side of town.
So 4DFG took the stage, the crowd went wild, they read the nominees, they announced the winner … and that was it. No weird arm movement. No money shot. In essence, we were served a 4DFG sandwich with no meat in it. Just cheese and mayonnaise.
I have since learned that apparently, when you get the 4DFG drunk, you need to keep him away from hot girls (though sadly I heard no further details on this assertion). I learned that night that apparently when you get him drunk, his willingness to do the weird arm thing decreases as his libido increases.
Therefore, I can only conclude the following:
A): If you want 4DFG to do his weird arm thing, don’t get him drunk or aroused (yeesh).
B): As the Spot Awards are down one presenter, and my draft card got picked, I am essentially a replacement for 4DFG.
C): I must now outdo 4DFG by getting drunk and aroused AND doing the weird arm thing.
My mission is clear. I am poised to carry it out, or die trying.
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