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American Idolicy
By briantologist | January 20, 2004
Okay, so in my continuing team coverage of this season of crap TV, I just got done watching a life-affirming hour of “American Idol.” Among the spectacularly bad entrants was one guy who ended up weeping to himself in the lobby. Weeping to himself and to some eight million viewers at home, anyway. These were more or less his exact words: “I blew it.”
Allow me to tell you what’s wrong with this statement. This guy uttered those words moments after telling the judges that he had “a unique talent” that qualified him to be the next American Idol. When asked to demonstrate, he pulled up his shirt and did some kind of weird sucking thing with his stomach that seemed to cause his entire midsection to collapse around his spine, leaving only a freakish band of flesh connecting his pelvis to his ribcage.
Having done this, and having subsequently pronounced himself a talent on par with past winner and runner-up Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken, Weird Stomach Thing Guy then proceeded to sort of speak some, but certainly not all, of the lyrics to “Sweet Home Alabama.” He forgot most of them. He slurred the ones he didn’t forget. Pitch did not, at any time, enter the musical picture.
The judges unanimously declared him wholly unfit for “AI” duty, and stopped just short of ejecting him by way of one of those giant human cannonball cannons, which led to his tearful admission in the lobby: “I blew it.”
Let’s examine that again, shall we? Here’s the thing that gets me: That he used this particular phrase suggests to me that W.S.T.G. sincerely believed he had a snowball’s chance in hell of actually passing this audition — that he, under the right circumstances, could in fact have nailed this audition, perhaps even singing actual notes in the process. This is of course wholly untrue. W.S.T.G. will never, ever, ever, not even with the aid of modern science’s finest vocal coaches and electronic studio engineering, do anything close to singing. For god’s sake, the guy could barely talk.
And yet, as he staggers tearfully from the lobby, we hear him yelling, “NEXT YEAR I’M GONNA BE BACK, AND THEY’LL HEAR WHAT I CAN REALLY DO!”
Hearing this, all I could think about was the heart-rending hope of the recently paralyzed teen athlete in the TV movie, stubbornly ignoring the doctors as they tell him he’ll be lucky if he walks with crutches again, much less runs a six-minute mile. It’s like that, only less tragic. And way, way dumber, come to think of it.
Finally, I find it somehow appropriate that this parade of jackasses was broadcast back-to-back with First Runner Up Bush’s State of the Union address.
Topics: 'Murkin Idol, Television, Thinkin'. | 1 Comment »
March 13th, 2004 at 11:33 am
dame judy @ 10:46PM | January 20th 2004| permalink
I think I love Crap TV Season more than Deer Season AND Football Season put together. I don’t feel so all alone knowing that someone, somewhere (The Byrnes’, 6 blocks away) understands about Weird Stomach Thing Guy and my need to watch him, quote, Blow It.
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The Cheat @ 1:26AM | January 21st 2004| permalink
If only Bush and Ted Kennedy or John Kerry could engage in some sort of “Political Idol” or something that. But against Bush, in the first episode, we could have Howard Dean doing that thing that he did last night where he decided it was a good idea to yell out the names of the states that he was going to visit in the next few months and then…after all of this…. lets out some ferocious WWF yell or yelp of some kind. That my friends, would be must see TV. And I considered voting for this man. I have no son!
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mega lo mart @ 9:23AM | January 21st 2004| permalink
Dude, I just heard that sound bite on the radio, and oh my god, was that ever weird. The “YEAAAAAAARGGHHH!!!” part was totally the capper. I am just utterly perplexed as to where, deep down in this middle-aged man, where that could have come from, and why he thought it was a good idea.
I really would like to see Bush against several notable democrats in a talent show, though. I like to think he’s got some really weird, Texas-centric talent he developed during the decade or two when he wasn’t particularly employed. Like he plays the saw, or the jug. And Teddy Kennedy could just do shots. Or drink an entire bottle of mouthwash. Or both.
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Shaniqua @ 1:14PM | January 22nd 2004| permalink
I totally thought Dean was going to recommend we snap into a Slim Jim.. so wwf..
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