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“As a young mang in Spang …”
By briantologist | January 26, 2004
Ah, the Golden Globes. Like the Oscars only drunker, they’re our chance to see celebrities get their lean on, and the Hollywood Foreign Press’s chance to get their say. All six members of the Hollywood Foreign Press.
Oh, there were highlights. Mainly Antonio Banderas talking about being “a young mang in Spaing.” “Now I am married to de Melanie Griffith, and okay okay, yes, she’s maybe no Meryl Streep, Antonio has no problem admitting this. But here’s de thing: De Streep, she is significantly older than Antonio. And on de whole, she always seemed less slutty than de Melanie Griffith, who let’s just say if you’ve got a beedeo camera and a feefth of Old Harper’s, you’re pretty much in like Flynn. Dios mio, she was married to the cabron Don Johnson. Anybody else here looking for a heartbeat? Yes, this is what I thought too.
“Anyway, ‘Milk Money’ aside, things are going well for Antonio. De Streep, Antonio thinks of her sometimes. But let’s just say it’s hard to think about ‘Sophie’s Choice’ for too long when you’ve got de former Mrs. Johnson tossing your ensalada.”
In other news, Peter Jackson fucking finally won big for “Return of the King.” I kinda think this is gonna be his year at the Oscars too, and again, it’s about time. But it’s a damn shame that has to come at the expense of “Lost in Translation,” and a couple of other really great films that’ll probably be up for large honors this year. Such is awards season, I guess.
I was stoked indeed that “The Office” won ‘Best Musical or Comedy Series’ (next year, “Cop Rock”) and best actor in said series for Ricky Gervais, ’cause “The Office” is seriously one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life, fa real. I was not surprised that “Angels in America” won as big as it did; I may have to see it at some point, if the Hollywood Foreign Press (Farouk, Jean-Marie, Edmund, Horst, Bjorn and Ndugu) thinks it’s that great. I was roundly irritated that fucking Renee “Tracy McSquinterson” Zellweger got Best Supporting Actress for noted piece of shit “Cold Mountain,” over the lip-bitingly hot and super-talented Scarlett Johansson for her work in “Lost in Translation,” which have I mentioned fucking ruled? ’cause it did.
At least Bill Murray won for “Lost in Translation,” though it was in the vaguely condescending category of Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy. It makes sense, though, because as we all know, if a movie’s funny, the people in it aren’t acting. Plus, if a movie has funny parts, it’s a comedy. Keep all these things in mind when approaching any facet of your world. And for god’s sake, if you can’t categorize something, avoid it like the plague. Avoid it like an all-you-can-eat turd buffet.
Oh yeah, and in conclusion, to what extent can supremely overrated Michael “One Night at McCool’s” Douglas go fuck himself? That would be an extent the size of six football fields stretched end to end. A very large extent. I say this after sitting through the longest tributes I’ve ever seen to an actor who’s at his best when the role doesn’t call for much (“Wonder Boys” = Douglas’s only really good work that I’ve seen). Jesus Roosevelt Christ, couldn’t we have picked a more memorable guy to pay tribute to? Like Richard Pryor or Rip Torn or M. Emmet Walsh? Hell, I’d have been happier about a tribute to Rip Taylor. Confetti and a bad rug, now there’s a great running gag for you. And he sticks with it, by god. I’ll take an hour of that over ten seconds of fucking “Black Rain” any goddamn day of the week.
Topics: Misc., Thinkin'. | 1 Comment »
March 13th, 2004 at 11:32 am
Erin Lady Byrne @ 1:29PM | January 26th 2004| permalink
Yeah, he sucks real bad. Oh, maybe not as much as this bitch buggin’ me right now. Nah, he sucks that bad.
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jess @ 2:35PM | January 26th 2004| permalink
i fucking loved romancing the stone though. that’s my “if i were a romance novelist” wet dream movie. of course there’s not many romance novelist movies to choose from.
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tha brian to tha b @ 3:51PM | January 26th 2004| permalink
Yes, Jess, this is true. You’re pretty much down to that or “She-Devil,” which I can’t seem to remember much of, come to think of it. It may have been really funny, but I’m pretty sure I was eleven when I saw it, and there’s just something about divorce/revenge movies you just don’t catch when you watch them before hitting puberty.
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dame judy @ 6:18PM | January 26th 2004| permalink
i am still trying, a day later, to decipher the comments made by danny devito in his hour-long ‘tribute’ to mikey douglas, which really just underscores how much better the GG’s are than the oscars. for one, i saw neither billy crystal nor whoopi goldberg AND all the celebs that won were both shocked AND tanked, which makes for creative acceptance speeches.
ps: WHY ‘BLACK RAIN’ AND NOT ‘WONDERBOYS’?? HMM??
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Barrett @ 2:00AM | January 28th 2004| permalink
I once figured out how many comedies have won Best Picture at the Oscars, and it was pathetic. It was something like five, if you include the admittedly awesome film “The Apartment” which is actually quite depressing.
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dame judy @ 6:30PM | January 28th 2004| permalink
The raing in Spaing falls mainly on the plaings.
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The Euro-trash Ross Lincoln @ 5:45PM | January 29th 2004| permalink
I love that you have Antonio speaking like Tony Montana. I wonder if he and melanie have mounatins of anti depressants piled up on their desks.
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megalobrianodon @ 3:18PM | January 30th 2004| permalink
Man, all I know is, if I were Melanie Griffith or Antonio Banderas, I’d sure as fuck have mountains of antidepressants at the ready. “Spy Kids” or not.
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