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Televizzle worth watching
By briantologist | January 20, 2004
I’ve been so inundated with awesome crap TV these days that I haven’t had time to post. Well, that and hooch. Inundated with crap TV and hooch.
Where to begin? Oh, how ’bout the spanking new season of “America’s Next Top Model?” There’s a surplus of stoked in this household these days. This new bit promises to be every bit as crappy as the first season was, as already we’ve had the fool who wouldn’t take off her clothes kicked off the show (I mean, you did know you were gonna be modeling, right?). At least her reasoning wasn’t entirely because of The Lord, like the two who wouldn’t drop trou last season, but y’know, it’s how the game is played. Since you’re very plainly selling your body when you enter the modeling biz, you really shouldn’t be too terribly surprised and upset when an employer asks you to show it off.
What really irritated me was the way she acted like she was fucking boycotting buses in Montgomery just by refusing to do her job. There’s this notion among stupid people these days that by refusing to do anything other than exactly what you want to do at all times, you’re somehow showing character, rather than being spoiled. This seems dangerous to me.
At any rate, there’s some excellent stuff going on. I don’t know if she’s gonna go all the way, but there’s this girl with glasses from Kansas City who’s definitely the Rudy of the group. Only hotter. Also, judge Janice Dickinson seems slightly less insane and psychotic and horrible this year, which is a bit sad. But it’s early in the season yet; I’m sure she’ll come around.
Oh, but it doesn’t end there. In addition to The O.C. continuing to rock ass, there’s the small matter of The Surreal Life, which in the course of a single half-watched episode has reminded me that Vanilla Ice deserves nothing less than to be publicly raped to death by a North American grizzly bear, such an irredeemable piece of human garbage is this half-man. I’ve also gathered that Tammy Faye Messner, nee Baker, seems to be just a real nice lady; that Ron Jeremy is about like you’d expect (a pretty nice guy who happens to have a monster schwantz); and that the girl from “Baywatch” is a remarkably slutty person, “engaged” or otherwise. Good times.
(As a bridge between this paragraph and the next, here is a link to a “Fresh Air” program from last week that features interviews with both Tammy Faye Messner and one Mr. Simon Cowell, who is much more realistic than he is purposefully mean.)
Oh yeah, and then there’s the small matter of brand-new “American Idol.” I’m completely uninterested in who ends up winning or having demonstrable talent, but man, oh manomanoman, do I ever love watching chumps line up to fail. And watching them fail in such a spectacular manner, no less. It’s just that they’re so damn convinced of their own talent, and so many of them have so absolutely little of it! It’s remarkable! Truly! And these fucking sad sacks get all huffy when Simon Cowell tells them they’re hacks! Again and again! And god help me, I love watching this happen time and again!
Which brings up another point: A show like “American Idol” works best in a culture where children have been constantly told that they can do whatever they put their mind to. A philosophy like that can work in some cases: If you put your mind to learning welding, or English literature, or prostitution, you, the average kid, have an excellent chance of succeeding in your field, or at least making a decent living. (Okay, in two out of those three you stand to make a decent living.) But some people, no matter how hard they try, can not now, and in fact will never, ever, ever, have the raw materials to be a good singer or performer (or both, if you can imagine such a thing). Telling a kid who can’t sing that he or she can be Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald when they grow up is like telling me I can be Emmitt Smith: It’s a goddamn lie. I’m a much better passer than I am a receiver, anyway. My dad, now there’s a runningback for you.
Topics: Fucking Awesome, Television | 1 Comment »
March 13th, 2004 at 11:34 am
k @ 12:47PM | January 20th 2004| permalink
Let me just give an AMEN!!! to everything you said. As a reality tv junkie I am in total agreement with all of your points. I missed the first episode of Surreal Life and America’s Next Top Model, but I’m making up for it this week. Thanks for the tidbits. I only like the trashy shows, but there’s always a few I can’t watch (Survivor, Simple Life, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, Joe Millionaire 2, etc.).
When I say I watch American Idol I always have to preface it with the statement “Only the first one or two episodes where everybody cries and gets offended.”
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Emily @ 4:09PM | January 20th 2004| permalink
I accidently watched all of My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee last night and laughed at least twice. I didn’t mean to, honest.
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Sarah @ 4:28PM | January 20th 2004| permalink
I forgot about the Surreal Life! This time last year, that was my one and only!
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The Cheat @ 5:55PM | January 20th 2004| permalink
This my chance to admit this…I have a problem when it comes to the Real World. I can’t decide who upsets me more, the people who live in this nice house and have to do nothing but sail as their “job” or the people from Project Greenlight. Honestly, at the moment, I would have to go with the assholes from Project Greenlight. And by the way, Ponch still kicks ass. I hope I’m that energized when I’m 55 or so.
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Briantastic @ 8:53PM | January 20th 2004| permalink
Word up to all that. That Ponch must derive energy from some mystical power source from beyond our world, or else he’s hopped up on some industrial-grade amphetamines. Or maybe he works out, or something unnatural like that.
And as far as the battle of entitlement between the Real World and Project Greenlight goes, you damn well may have posed the greatest reality TV conundrum of our time. I’m not sure what the medal for that looks like.
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The Cheat @ 1:22AM | January 21st 2004| permalink
I think it would be a cap that said retard or something like that.
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Sarah @ 2:17AM | January 21st 2004| permalink
While reading this I thought: Emmitt Smith = not Bubba Smith.
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mega lo mart @ 9:25AM | January 21st 2004| permalink
… And that makes me a little sad. The world could use a lot more Bubba Smith. And a lot more Dale Brown, come to think of it. If your dad ran for political office, it goes without saying that I’d vote my ass off for him.
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