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What’s not to like?
By briantologist | February 21, 2004
It’s come to my attention that my bosom chum The Cheat has a problem with Owen Wilson. Max Power called from their mutual workplace and angrily demanded I explain why The Cheat is patently wrong in his dislike of Mr. Wilson. I can understand his confusion, as I can’t for the life of me figure out how anybody, much less someone as high-quality as The Cheat, could not like Owen Wilson.
We talked it over. The closest thing to a conclusion we could come to was that Mr. Cheat just doesn’t really think Owen’s that funny. We determined this using a scientific formula wherein one asks the subject if he’s seen “Behind Enemy Lines,” and if the subject answers yes, one asks the subject if he liked Owen Wilson in that. If the subject answers yes again, we proceed on the assumption that the subject’s problem with O.W. begins when O.W. begins being funny. It’s a complicated formula, I know, but try to follow along.
Anyway, it got me to thinking about why I hate the celebrities I hate, and whether or not there are any I hate for no readily apparent reason. For instance, I hate Justin Timberlake for a host of perfectly acceptable reasons: He’s one hundred percent false, for example. Every dance move, every note he sings, and every stomach-turningly faux-street syllable that comes out of his mouth has been determined by hundreds of dedicated marketing personnel, and thousands upon thousands of focus group members, probably in a vault somewhere beneath the plains of Utah. He’s a living, breathing embodiment of what’s always been wrong with the music industry. It’s all perfectly logical.
In short, let’s discuss the celebrities we can’t fucking stand. ‘Cause I never get tired of doing that.
Topics: General Irritants, Thinkin'. | 3 Comments »
March 13th, 2004 at 11:24 am
-kayde. @ 1:59AM | February 22nd 2004| permalink
i fucking hate melissa joan hart.
and jennifer love hewitt.
and kirstie alley.
and avril levigne.
and renee zellweger.
…
in fact, since i could continue, i fucking hate a lot of people it would seem.
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scotty @ 11:20AM | February 22nd 2004| permalink
Oh, come on. If you’re going to decry celebrities for fakeness and a lack of any contribution whatsoever besides a delicate strand of short-lived marketability, there should be SO many more people on your list ahead of Justin Timberlake.
I don’t own “Justified” or anything, but I am perfectly okay with Timberlake as a mainstream pop celebrity. It suits him–and me–just fine. He’s actually talented, especially if you judge him against almost any other mainstream pop celebrity.
There are much better figures deserving of your worthy and righteous hatred, Brian: Avril Lavigne is a good one. Any member of an “MTV punk” band, say Sum 41 or Blink 182–in fact, any member of any band that has idiotic numbers in its name qualifies here: Eve 6, Seven Mary Three, 2 Doors Down, Matchbox 20, Third Eye Blind. In a remarkable display of generosity, the music industry has given us a reliable coded clue to avoid any band with inexplicable numbers in its name.
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Megalodon @ 3:16PM | February 22nd 2004| permalink
Shreds of talent or not, Timberlake works for me. Among other things, it’s the way he says the word “yeeh” that’s my breaking point with him.
That Anvil Lasagne girl, though … man, oh manomanoman, omanomanomanoMAN, does she suck!!! And good call on the numbers thing. I can’t think of a single redeemable band that has a number in its name. Ditto the MTV faux-punk crap; I know it’s so obvious it’s almost not worth mentioning, but is it humanly possible to be any less punk rock than these bands? Jesus Christ. Sid Vicious is pissing himself in his grave. Again.
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Sarah @ 3:53PM | February 22nd 2004| permalink
I can’t get past the fact that Clayton hates my future husband. Luke Wilson I could understand. because he’s slow and lackluster and mostly wastes space, but Owen? Seriously? No Starsky and Hutch? Matt, my heart is breaking.
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Brenda @ 7:49PM | February 22nd 2004| permalink
Mine is Ashton Kutcher. He’s to acting what Timberlake is to singing, only worse-looking and less talented.
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The Cheat @ 10:35PM | February 22nd 2004| permalink
Yes, Sarah, as much as I dont want to say it, I do not approve of your future husband in a comedic role. As long as he was looking for his “dead pilot friend” in Emeny Lines, I could probably be cool with him. I really dont like him with Jackie Chan and I certainly do not like him portraying a funny man. I realize this could cause a problem in future returns trips to town, but I’m willing to put all of this aside for the good of the team. Also, I’ve heard he might not be cool with my Cassandra impression and I certainly am not ready to deal with that.
Onto people I hate….other than Owen Wilson and Mat DeKinder.
Robin Williams would be on this list, as would Fred Dizirst.
And the next person would be Jeff Goldbloom. It’s not really a hate, he freaks me out mostly.
Cheers
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Barrett @ 1:30AM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
I used to hate Matt Damon with an almost perfect hate. But then I saw The Rounders for undisclosed reasons and saw that he has a place.
The Cheat, however, I must concur with. Robin Williams sucks in every degree. Christ on a bike. Can we please direct our hate toward him? I do every day.
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Erin Lady Byrne @ 11:43AM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
Robin Williams does eat a dick, but I think the crown still belongs to Julia Roberts.
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AMA @ 12:42PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
1st of all: Timberlake was bred in a vat of genetic goo deep under Orlando, Florida by the “Imagineers” at Disney.
2nd of all: What about 3 Dog Freakin’ Night?!
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The Eligible Ross Lincoln @ 1:38PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
Seriously, Don’t be talking about my girl melissa joan hart – she might completeoly suck now, but it’s just a temporary phase in between Clarissa Explains it All, and whatever she’s going to do in the future that doesn’t suck as bad as the televised crotch-rot that is Sabrina.
Meanwhile, I fudging can’t stand Nicole Kidman, who is only considered hot because she’s skinny, blond, and white.
Also, Jack Nicholson – He can’t act. HE CAN’T!!!! It’s a huge scam. He just leers at the camera and people call it intense.
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Erin Lady Byrne @ 2:26PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
Jack Nicholson eats dick. Maybe the same one Julia Roberts is feasting on at this very moment.
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The Cheat @ 2:31PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
I would also like to add Toby Keith to the list. I realize this might be a popular choice, but the hatred that I have for this guy alone is enough to get me through the rest of my days. There is hate and then there is how I feel about Toby Keith.
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megalodon @ 3:37PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLYSHITIHATETOBYKEITH!!!!!! I’m awfully glad you brought that up, Clayton. Fuck me running, how I hate Toby Keith. He gets the “Kicked to Death With Steel-Toed Amurkin Boots” award. Looking forward to it.
And seriously, Jack Nicholson can’t do anything but leer, and what pisses me off the most is how “EVERYBODY LOVES JACK! HE’S SO CRAAAAZY! Look how he wears SUNGLASSES — INSIDE!!!! At AWARDS CEREMONIES!!!! What’ll he do NEXT?” Moron. He and J-Ro are sharing a very, very high rung of the overrated ladder.
And 3 Dog Night’s just sad.
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neko @ 5:08PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
russell crowe. with a white hot passion. i couldn’t pay any attention to a beautiful mind, which i actually kind of wanted to see, because he sounded like foghorn leghorn, the obnoxious kentucky rooster looney toon character. i also have big problems with christian bale (which stems from an association problem with the book american psycho and is not really christian bale’s fault), halle berry, and ben affleck.
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megalodon @ 6:30PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
Yeah, Affleck’s been on the shit list for a while. The worst part about him is that he seems like he might almost be a decent guy — see his appearances in Kevin Smith movies, where he almost seems to be a decent guy. But man, he sure has been in some consistently shitty shit. And there’s the whole J-Lo thing, which is just a mess.
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greg (I used to be a lower case \ @ 7:57PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
I’m surprised that this thread has gone on this long without mentioning John “Terl” Travolta.
But you guys named my biggest “Celeb I love to hate” : Jack Nicholson. Why the hell do they keep giving this guy Oscars?? In a just world, his molester face would put him in jail.
And before you think I’m exagerrating, riddle me this : Why is his latest movie build on the improbable premise that he’d actually be attracted to someone his own age? Because he’s a fucking creep.
Folks, the emperor has no clothes. People have been telling each other that he’s cool for so long that nobody has stopped to ask “Why??”. The fact is, he *isn’t* cool. At all. Jack Nicholson is the guy you used to hang out with in college who would drink until he passed out every night. At the time, he was cool but now you’ve grown up and he’s still waking up every morning in a puddle of puke.
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wendi @ 8:03PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
Jeff Daniels. Can’t stand him. Just glancing at him gives me a stomachache. I loved Speed for the simple reason that he dies in it.
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Megalodon @ 8:06PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
One of my favorite things about the name Terl is that every time I look at it, I think it’s the name Teri. And I love the idea of a menacing monstrosity from another planet whose name is Teri. It’s kind of like a monstrous person from earth named Ron.
Seriously, Gregger, every single thing you said about Jack Nicholson is right on the fucking money. It’s time to impeach him. He’s the living embodiment of the Baby Boom generation’s inability to admit its mistakes.
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Sarah @ 10:39PM | February 23rd 2004| permalink
I feel about Jack Nicholson like I do about U2: they’ve given us some good stuff in the past, but I wish they’d go away and rest on their laurels quietly, out of the public eye. Maybe in a Turkish prison.
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July 18th, 2004 at 6:07 pm
I HATE BUSH!! i know this thing’s about hating celebs, but i’d like to add politics as well. i also hate britney spears, justin timberlake and the rest of nsync, the backstreet boys, and aaron carter. i think there’s more, but i hate them. i also hate every actor and actress except for jim carrey. he’s funny and weird, so he is awesome. to me at least.
April 4th, 2005 at 11:23 am
re: hating Owen Wilson –
I can give you a summary of reasons to detest him-
it goes as follows:
He is a cheat and a fraud–it is public knowledge that he was expelled from high school for cheating–character flaws do not disappear easily. He is a womanizing alcoholic with delusions of literary intellect–signs of obvious psychologyical problems. I find it impossible believe in his alleged credits as a screenwriter–he obviously lacks the intellect. Does that cover it for you?
Boomer
Montreal
Canada