All/all/all … all for love
By briantologist | May 22, 2004
I can’t remember where I read it (Barrett? Was it you?), but somebody else out in yon blogosphere recently mentioned seeing “The Three Musketeers” on cable like twice in the past week, and that got me thinking peripherally about “The Three Musketeers,” and so when Darleece and I retook our respective sofas this morning to resume lying off the rest of our Spring respiratory infections, and I noticed in the cable guide that T3M was just about to start, well, you can imagine how excited we were.
So we determined that T3M is quite possibly the ultimate PG movie, based on the following criterion:
• It came out in 1993.
• It features plenty of heaving, bodiced bosoms, yet shows no actual tit.
• Lots of people are killed in it, yet there’s almost no blood. In many cases, death is represented by falling into water, perhaps most pointedly when Tim Curry, chewing, swallowing, and excreting scenery as Cardinal Richleu, finally gets killed. Er, knocked off a boat. That’s traveling at a crawl through an underground moat. I mean, I know the vestments might drag a guy down, and the water couldn’t have been that clean, and there might’ve been French piranha down there (but wouldn’t they have just eaten part of him, then gone to smoke? Can they only skeletonize a medium-sized goat in two minutes?), but cracka, please. Even 13-year-olds and under need proof of death.
• I don’t believe there’s any actual profanity in it.
• It features lots of men running away and screaming girlishly rather than fighting. Apparently this kind of behavior was far more common than I’d ever imagined.
• It’s got that Christ-awful trio theme song between Sting, Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams.
• It features at least one (1) foppish dandy bent on giving Chris O’Donnell what-for.
• Oh yeah, it’s got fucking Chris O’Donnell in it.
• Oh yeah, it’s also got fucking Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Fucking Sheen, and Oliver Motherfucking Platt in it.
• It features the girliest-looking prince/king I’ve ever seen in my life. The guy looks like Uma Thurman in “Pulp Fiction,” only less self-assured.
• Okay, by this point I’m just listing details about the movie, not all of which have to do with how incredibly PG a movie it is. But still.
A little wind dropped from our sails when I found out it’s rated PG, and not PG-13, as our original thesis was that T3M was the ultimate PG-13 movie. But why focus on little details like this? It still stands.
Topics: Reflections From the Bottom Rung | 5 Comments »
May 23rd, 2004 at 8:37 am
You didn’t hear about T3M from me, because the last time I saw that movie was in the theatre. I think it might have been in the second-run theatre, but the theatre nonetheless.
You just know they brought in Bryan Adams based on his success* with “Every Thing I Do (I Do it for You) from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves in 1991. Sting jumped on board because his new album had a Chaucer reference in the title. Rod Stewart climbed in just to complete the wussiness factor.
*By “success” I mean that it was the first song on everyone’s post-prom breakup mix tape when I was a senior in high school.
May 23rd, 2004 at 10:00 am
I’ve heard people hit the nail on the head before, but this takes the cake. GET OUT OF MY MIND!
May 24th, 2004 at 12:09 am
Um can we please talk about the origin of that no pants picture?
May 24th, 2004 at 7:29 am
Man, I have no fucking idea. Thanks again to Google; something about the pic just screams British Tabloids to me.
May 25th, 2004 at 10:17 am
that was totally steve (shouldasaid.com)