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Hair Collection Chamber
By briantologist | May 29, 2004
We spent today on an ungodly shopping expedition, fueled by payday and grandma. Something I’ve quickly discovered is that when it comes to financial windfalls, they generally don’t come big enough to cover the consumer goods I daydream about (the iPod being a notable exception). This is a tremendously good thing in the long run, I think, as it keeps the cash around a little longer. Then again, I just end up buying way more of the crap I’d be buying anyway, like rotisserie chicken and smoked salmon and beard trimmers.
But I seriously needed a new beard trimmer, and this new one totally rocks, as much as a fucking beard trimmer can rock, anyway. It’s got a vacuum for beard trimmings. I understand it’s difficult for the non-bearded among you to fully comprehend what an earth-shatteringly great idea this is, but seriously, take my word for it: gold. Pure gold.
I have to wait 10 hours for the damn thing to charge, which I learned from the instructions. Instructions for things are often really funny. For example:
• When trimming extremely long, dense beards, it may be necessary to empty the Hair Collection Chamber during the trimming session in order to maintain optional suction performance.
• If suction performance is not as strong as usual, Hair Collection Chamber may require emptying to restore optimal performance.
My other favorite thing about beard trimmers is the endlessly hilarious photography of weirdly confident bearded men that adorn their packing material. I guess it’s the nature of the modeling industry that nobody who wants to work regularly will grow a beard; generally beards in the public sphere are reserved for psychologists, merry woodsmen, the homeless, mad bombers, or a combination of any of the above. As a result, beard spokesmodels end up being either generally weird-looking, or else they look completely unnatural with a beard.
And then occasionally a semi-famous bearded person will emerge, and they’ll get an endorsement deal for some beard trimmer or another. The best example I can think of is Richard Karn, better known as “Al” on TV’s “Home Improvement”; his smiling, bearded mug adorned the first beard trimmer I ever bought, the Wahl Groomsman. I just love the fact that the beard industry, weird offshoot of the capitalist gene pool, has to scrape the barrel to the extent that a C-lister like Al is the best thing to ever happen to them, celebrity spokesperson-wise.
In closing, I ask you to please visit this guy’s site, as it’s just sort of amusingly weird. Except for the gallery of the shaven-headed guy with the huge beard and the total body-hair carpet; I’m not sure if that’s amusingly weird or blatantly fucked up.
Topics: Baffled Mutterings | 3 Comments »
May 30th, 2004 at 10:17 am
Having taken part in several new product development project,s I would love to have sat in the meeting where variations of ‘Hair Collection Chamber’ were bandied about, put in front of focus groups, and decided on.
-Follicular Downsizing Residue Receptacle
-Repository of Fallen Brethren
May 30th, 2004 at 5:08 pm
Ahh, the Wahl Groomsman. It served me well during my bearded years, even without any Hair Collection Chamber to speak of.
June 1st, 2004 at 3:04 pm
Every one of those dudes you posted looks like a gay pornstar.