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Weekly reader
By briantologist | June 17, 2004
My dream job for quite some time has been reporter for the Weekly World News. I can’t imagine it being anything but fucking wonderful, and as it’s probably a guild paper, and it probably comes out of Florida, where the cost of living is pretty high, I’m thinking the pay’s probably pretty solid, around the 40-50K range.
The best part, though, would of course be making up the stories. Like, oh, let’s say this one.
It’s almost pointless to do anything but let this story speak for itself, but my favorite line is this: “Getting gals on your lady squad is easy if you choose targets who look like they’re lacking in self esteem.”
God bless Murka.
Topics: Songs of Praise | 10 Comments »
June 17th, 2004 at 3:20 pm
For an extremely surreal and frightening moment I thought that was the ‘Weekly Reader’ I remember from my elementary school days.
But then again, better to get their working skills and career path started early.
June 17th, 2004 at 3:33 pm
It totally works though. I mean, that’s how Brian and I met.
June 17th, 2004 at 4:02 pm
This week’s lead story is “Dick Cheney is a Robot.” In line at the grocery store yesterday I almost soiled myself.
June 17th, 2004 at 4:22 pm
That’s totally the issue this came from!!! I love the cover photo of Cheney — his shirt is wide open, and he’s holding his artificial skin wider, exposing his circuit boards with this haughty look on his face, like he’s challenging us with his robothood. It’s fucking brilliant.
June 17th, 2004 at 9:25 pm
sweet baby jesus.
i just stumbled across your site via Scott’s and, wonder of wonders, it’s Brian frickin’ [last name witheld in the event that you're hiding from the Okie Mafia]. This is Ben D-e-a-n. You know, that devastatingly handsome fellow from your youth with the rapier-like wit. Drop me a line or whatever.
June 18th, 2004 at 7:31 am
Ah, I love bringing people together.
I had a real-life encounter with a pimp-ish character in a McDonald’s drive-thru (where I was working). He was full-on smacking his bitch up, right there at the window. I think it was the hightlight of my week.
June 18th, 2004 at 7:43 am
I have two holy craps to that: Holy crap, Ben! It’s you! Dear gott in himmel, it’s you-hou-hou-hou-hou!
Secondly, I’m powerfully moved by the idea of smacking one’s bitch, then thanking the drive-thru attendant for one’s Filet-o-Fish value meal. Man.
June 18th, 2004 at 9:13 pm
I had been wondering what was happening to the world’s penguins, too…
June 18th, 2004 at 10:54 pm
I always wondered exactly what it took to become a “Page Five Girl.” If you read the WWN, I think you know what I’m talking about. And you also probably know the “Top 10 Ways To Tell If Your Neighbors Are Satanists.”
June 19th, 2004 at 11:42 pm
Low self-esteem chicks are where it’s at yo.