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Hel-LO, Charley
By briantologist | August 13, 2004
So, um, I realize I’ve said some pretty nasty things about tornadoes here in the past, and for the most part I’ll stand by most of these things. Tornadoes are still most definitely not okay in my book.
However.
After reviewing the testimony and evidence, including the news of late, it has come to my attention that, even on a strictly empirical level, tornadoes are preferable to hurricanes in pretty much every case.
For example. Jimmy the tornado leaves a random path of destruction, and people in the warned area are aware they may very well lose their home and all their earthly possessions in a filthy spire of doom. However! These very same people may shuffle up from their basements or storm shelters once the action’s over to find their house completely unscathed. What’s more, this can be the case even if the houses on both sides of said person’s — said person’s entire neighborhood, even — are flattened down to their foundations. Yes, this can make for some awkward conversations with one’s neighbors, as well as a truly remarkable amount of survivor’s guilt, but all in all, it’s a tradeoff I’d be willing to make.
Whereas! Consider, for a moment Troy, the bastard hurricane. Oh, it’s predictable, all right. Plenty predictable, give or take a few unexpected turns toward Ft. Myers. Those in the warned area know exactly what to expect, and can take precautions.
Unfortunately, those precautions seem pretty much limited to taping big X’s on the windows, stacking the furniture on the countertops, hoping for the best, and skipping town.
These are not the kind of odds I like to play against. These are like slot machine odds. Evil slot machine odds. Like, slot machines with turds on the spinners instead of cherries.
Further, consider: If your house does get directly hit by a tornado, it’s pretty much fucked; there’s a chance you’ll just need a new roof, and new worldly possessions, but whatever, that’s what homeowner’s insurance is for. Whereas if you’re in Troy’s way, you’ve not only got storm surges to think about, but also the tons and tons and tons of rapid rainfall. This equals flooding, which equals ruined furniture, carpeting, rugs, and floors, plus all over everything is a layer of crap so unbelievably foul you generally (from what I understand) find yourself wishing your house had just been leveled outright, so you could start from scratch.
Not that I’m speaking from experience on either front, nor do I ever hope to have the opportunity to do so. Just been doing some thinking, is all. The news makes a fella think sometimes.
Topics: Thinkin'. | 5 Comments »
August 13th, 2004 at 5:29 pm
okay, seriously tough guy…you keep up these posts about the weather and all i can say is you’re flirtin’ with disaster!!!
August 13th, 2004 at 5:52 pm
And hurricanes happen every year. It’s not like an earthquake or a freak fire where it happens every 10-15 years. Every year someone gets fucked by a hurricane. No thanks.
August 14th, 2004 at 9:05 am
Very true. Though tornado season happens every year too, they don’t necessarily happen near populated areas — a lot of times you’ll hear about tornadoes out in western Oklahoma, where there’s nothing but grass and hog farms, and they hit nothing at all. Florida’s coast, meanwhile, is a little short on unpopulated real estate, from what I understand.
August 14th, 2004 at 10:55 am
All that comes to mind is:
‘Squish, squish, squish.’
It’s only too bad they don’t name tornadoes….maybe you could get to know it a little better, understand all the rage. What’s with all the anonymity?
August 14th, 2004 at 1:57 pm
I think if we named tornadoes we might end up getting too attached to them, and developing a battered-state complex or something — “George didn’t mean to level my house, he just gets angry! It’s just his way!”