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Tickle Me St. Elmo
By briantologist | September 21, 2004
What, you might ask, could make the song “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)(!)” any dumber? I mean, there’s the matter of the ridiculously inspirational lyrics, including frequent references to eagles. There’s the horn- and synth-heavy music track, which by itself is enough to kill an adult grizzly bear with its inherent retardedness.
Yet ultimately, we must look deeper for “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)”‘s true idiocy, the dark heart of this septic chunk of the 1980s. No, friends, what makes this song so cataclysmically dumb is the fact that it’s about a wheelchair athlete.
Please allow me to explain, lest you think I have anything but the utmost respect for wheelchair athletes. Technically, I think wheelchair athletes are doing a harder thing than traditional athletes, who have roughly twice as many limbs with which to play basketball, enter track meets, and throw lawn darts.
That said, I think they deserve a significantly better tribute than this retarded-ass song. I mean, make a bronze sculpture, build a monument on the Mall in Washington D.C., establish a national day of recognition, devote some prime-time television to them, but for the love of god, don’t write a song that contains lines like “Play the game, you know you can’t quit until it’s won/Soldier on, only you can do what must be done”. That’s just insulting. Shame on you, John Parr.
Topics: General Irritants | 13 Comments »
September 21st, 2004 at 2:35 pm
Has this been stewing in your brain since I cracked ‘He then took her to see St. Elmo’s Fire’ when Angel said, ‘Here, I have something to show you.’ to Drusilla? For real though, that sort of subliminal programming is creepy. I should try it more often.
Also, I loved S.E.F. as a kid though my mom wouldn’t let me watch the movie. That’s why I didn’t know it was about wheelchair athletes I suppose. Now I’m just disappointed, like when you take a drink of water thinking it’s 7-Up, then there’s that let-down. That’s how I feel, thanks for turning the song into ’7-Up’ for me dude, really. sheesh…
September 21st, 2004 at 3:09 pm
If it’s any consolation, I kind of loved the song when I was a kid, and have looked back on it with revulsion ever since. In no small part because sometimes I still get that fucking song stuck in my head. Like, oh, let’s say today, for example.
September 21st, 2004 at 4:08 pm
That god damn song is now caught in my head. Only I don’t know the words and I only remember this part I think I made up:
“To the beat of the man in motion, all you need is a pair of wings. Shake me on the tooth of a lion! St Elmo’s Fire!”
Then there’s a bunch of ‘oohs’ and some drum stuff and that’s going to be in my head all night and if I’m totally unlucky tomorrow too.
Thanks.
One more thing. As a child I always pictured my first date being to see that movie and once I made my husband watch it with me and it was so horribly disappointing. There was barely any making out with my ‘date’ and the movie didn’t make me feel like a grown up and we mostly made fun of everything. Especially Rob Lowe.
September 21st, 2004 at 10:26 pm
Ooh, ooh, do “One Night in Bangkok” next!!!
September 22nd, 2004 at 8:16 am
Dude, I fucking LOVE “One Night in Bangkok”! No, I’m serious. Did you know there’s like a 45-second intro with a bunch of strange, possibly Taiwanese instruments going at full tilt and building to a dramatic conclusion at the very first bit of the song? I had no idea until recently. It only made me love the song more.
Um, please ignore the preceding paragraph if you totally hate that song.
September 22nd, 2004 at 8:21 am
Oh yeah, and I’m now entering day two of “St. Elmo” stuck in my fucking head. If it’s any consolation, Mellissa, you’re not the only one. Goddamn you John Parr.
September 22nd, 2004 at 9:44 am
‘One Night in Bangkok’ fucking rules, no two ways about it. The only downside was that it convinced me to go to Borders and check out the original cast recording of ‘Chess’. I’ll never have those thirty minutes back; simply horrid.
Also, for some reason ‘Rock Me Amadeus’ and ‘ONIB’ are inextricably linked in my mind. Any logical explanation for that?
September 22nd, 2004 at 12:32 pm
Dud, you just coined the phrase “ridiculously inspirational.” I’m gonna use that all the time.
September 22nd, 2004 at 12:33 pm
Er. Dude. I meant dude. Christ, I can’t even Spicoli right.
September 22nd, 2004 at 1:29 pm
Somehow Rock Me Amadeus and One Night in Bangkok are very similar, despite being by different artists. Maybe Falco and Murray Head were roommates at gay british boy school.
September 22nd, 2004 at 2:41 pm
Yeah, I had a similar 4-LPs worth of Chess-purchasing experience many years ago, which is why ONiB is in the same guilty pleasure part of my brain as is St. Elmo’s Fire.
You’re right, though, ONiB holds up better, and I did play it incessantly, whereas I was just always happy when St. Elmo’s Fire came on the radio, I never actually owned it…
September 22nd, 2004 at 3:41 pm
I will do you one better! ONIB in my very favorite 80s song. Booth can attest to this. Within three notes, she and I are usually dancing wherever we are.
Anyway, in order to obtain said song, I was forced to purchase, not the Chess recording, but a “Best of Tim Rice” CD. To be fair, I dabbled in musicals as a naive youth, and still knew most of the words to most of the songs on this CD, but still. Who wants to pull that kind of CD out for a party? You have to have very understanding friends – or drunken friends – who will not abandon you for owning something like that.
The total bonus of the CD is the Indigo Girls version of a song from Jesus Christ Superstar, the name of which has for some reason escaped me at this moment.
P.S. I secretly really love the CD. I just hate to admit it.
October 14th, 2004 at 11:44 pm
falco was an austrian. murray head is from scotland. apparently one night in bangkok was written by benny andersson and bjorn ulvaeus, from abba, and lyricist tim rice.
maybe they just sound similar because of the type of music they listened to at the time