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“Query.”
By briantologist | May 25, 2005
Okay, dads. I seek your wise counsel. Or at least an informal opinion poll. Or just some drawings of horses on bar napkins. Whatever you like.
Is the daze I’ve been in for the past few weeks related to my impending fatherhood and the relatively small —but nonetheless present — uptick in activity that comes with it? Or do I just have my head up my ass like usual?
Discuss.
Topics: Baffled Mutterings | 25 Comments »
May 25th, 2005 at 8:52 am
I’m not a dad, but here’s my expert opinion anyway:
you.
are.
so.
totally.
fucked.
:)
JUST KIDDING. It’ll be fun! Like a trip to Six Flags! HOORAY!
you can’t take your sperm back out of ELB, so I guess, you know. It’s too late to worry about it too much.
May 25th, 2005 at 9:04 am
Maybe it is just some kind of spring fever. Since I am not a dad, I can’t really say.
I suck!
May 25th, 2005 at 9:25 am
You guys both suck.
May 25th, 2005 at 9:42 am
okay- new mommy here- and i will be totally honest. we planned our son and after 6 yrs of marriage we did all the traveling and eating out and wasting of money we could and decided to start our family.
Know this: while everyone will tell you they are so excited for you (and they ARE) everyone forgets to tell you the first 2 months completely SUCK. You love your baby and it’s amazing and all that, but it’s not EXCITING like everyone tells you it is going to be. You will have a lot of mixed feelings for a while and be confused by them, but it’s normal. good and bad feelings and it doesn’t make you a bad person- it’s a huge life altering event that is the coolest thing you will ever do in your life (until you do it again) even though the learning curve is so incredibly viscious.
You know how there are times your cat scratches you cos it got freaked out by the vaccuum, but you can’t be mad cos it’s a legitimate excuse to freak out for a cat, but it still hurt so you are pissed and bleeding, but at the same time you want to console the cat so you suck in your anger and cuddle the scared kitty at the same time? Horrible analogy, but your kid will scream and fuss and you will want to go back to sleep so bad you see stars and want to collapse, but you know the baby needs you and you learn to figure out what he or she needs. And read about post partum for dads- it’s totally real. You both will miss your old life and endless attention toward one another, but one day you will really forget what it was like (within months!) and the more you get to know your baby and love him or her the more fun it gets with each passing month. But remember it gets better two-fold each month!
p.s. have lots of baby mylicon for gas- that will save your ears hours of crying!
i know you asked for dad advice, but thought you might tuck this away as well- congrats by the way! you will be a great daddy cos you will love the baby like you love your kitties!
May 25th, 2005 at 9:55 am
Ummm, yeah, that dazed and confused feeling stays with you for about 2-3 months after having your first child. You keep waiting for the amount of attention and extra demand being placed on you to end, and when it doesn’t you have moments where you have to be all Taoist about it and bend in the running water or be Fundamentalist and fight to preserve your preconceived notions about yourself and your life and make yourself miserable.
The baby feels like a stranger at first (at least for me as a father) and you get these twinges of jealousy like ‘Hey, since when did I invite such a self-absorbed and demanding guest into my home? And why is it monopolizing all of my wife’s time?’ Then it looks at you with your own eyes or you see some feature you recognize and you realize how you’re talking about yourself and how ugly it feels to think that way. Then you remember to bend.
May 25th, 2005 at 10:09 am
dr. 12 that was good- almost brought me to tears. almost.
I was just going to add to my post that it seemed a little negative, so I wanted to add that initially the challenging:enjoyable ratio is pretty heavily scewed towards challenging, but as it goes with labor and delivery as well- as time goes on the ration quickly leans heavily towards the enjoyable and freaking AWESOME side of things and you are like let’s do this again! But it’s time that passes in addition to that first smile that breaks your heart into a million pieces where you feel like the biggest ASS that you wondered at an earlier point why you did this to begin with. Parenthood must be the hugest lesson ever on selflessness. Then one after another laughter, touching grass, rolling over, crawling all happen and life just hands you the freshest air you ever tasted you feel almost guilty at enjoying the overwhelming pleasure of it.
May 25th, 2005 at 10:11 am
You can always call my mom. She has assloads of advice that she’s just bursting to give to someone, since I’m not making babies anytime soon, and her grandma gene has kicked in full force. Seriously. And for grins, ask Chuck, too. It’s always fun to hear him tell people how he used to walk the floor with my colicky ass. And how I told a stranger that he beat me with a baseball bat.
May 25th, 2005 at 10:24 am
I’m not a dad, but I’m jumpin’ in too. Everything that Liz said? Gospel. Get a crate of generic Mylicon. Don’t get the real thing, generic will get rid of gas just as well and save you a crap ton of money. 3 mos. seemed to be my “a little tiny bit better” month as well. before that…total hell. Anyway, whatever she’s feeling, you’re feeling and will be from now until you reach that magic adjustment day when don’t find yourself thinking about running away and never coming back and being tired is just normal.
Do you have someone who’s going to spend a few days with you? It takes the pressure off a bit.
Try not to wreck the car. My husband was so tired he ran into a brick wall with mine. If you’re that tired…? Just walk. I’d say stay home and take a nap, but hehehee that’s not gonna haaapppennnnn…
May 25th, 2005 at 11:27 am
Having a baby is tough. Really tough. Babies are not that much fun. They look weird, they smell weird, they don’t make a lot of sense. They require all your energy, your time, your thoughts and your total being.
I would say at the end of the day it’s totally worth it, but that’s a lie. There is no end of the day. The day does not ever end. EVER. It is hard, it is painful, excruciatingly painful. It’s never ending.
It’s the most amazing thing to realize that this child is yours, and it is not going anywhere. Wrapping your brain around it, can actually cause spontaneous combustion so be careful with that.
What I can say, while the day never seems to end, one day they will be five years old, holding your hand and saying “I love you so much, let’s never break up mommy” and that’s when it’s all worth it.
Then you blink and they become teenagers but that’s a totally different story.
My advice, while I am not a father, I am a single mother so I do both duties, is just to take a deep breath, plunge in, and never stop to think about it. That’s how you end up scared. It’s kind of like don’t look down.
Oh and read Babyhood by Paul Reiser because it’s really fucking funny and helps put some perspective on it. Well not really, but it is rather funny.
May 25th, 2005 at 12:42 pm
All I have to say is that parenthood is magic and unicorns.
That is all. Enjoy!
May 25th, 2005 at 3:22 pm
MAGIC AND UNICORNS? No no no. It is screaming pooping screaming screaming and pooping and screaming.
May 25th, 2005 at 4:06 pm
Dude, you will find another set of internal gears…sorta like you were a 5 speed before the baby, and suddenly you find there are really 18 gears you can fly through…
Evolution had provided you with enough determination to power through those days when that lil’ guy will only sleep for two hours a stretch…
And for corona’s sake, don’t chop his skin…that’s just cruel shit…cruel…if it was so grand, folks would circumsize their animals…Old Yeller for sure then…
You’ll be cool.
May 25th, 2005 at 4:20 pm
I guess now would be a bad time to mention I never learned to ride a bike.
But we’re leaving the kid’s schwantz alone, if it comes equipped with one. If it shouldn’t have been there, we wouldn’t be fucking born with them.
Thanks for the outpouring of advice and support, Internets. You’re all right.
May 25th, 2005 at 4:31 pm
Pretty much the only thing I can offer you on the subject is a drawing of a horse on a bar napkins. Hey, I didn’t get an art degree for nothing.
Seriously, eight weeks left? Where the hell did the time go?
May 25th, 2005 at 4:48 pm
Baby Schmaybe. I’m pretty sure you just have your head up your ass again.
I’m kidding! You are going to be an amazing father – I’m sure of it.
May 25th, 2005 at 8:04 pm
Brian, you realized I was being sarcastic? Yes?
My conclusions as a mother (not a father) are: The first 6 weeks are all about survival. For everyone. (the first 2-3 are all about Dad trying to suck it up while Mom regains some chemical equilibrium. For me that required medication.
At 12 weeks you begin to have a taste for the parts that people sell you on. Like Amway. You begin to see flashes of the good stuff that makes people do this more than once.
At 6 mos. it’s really great and if they’re sleeping through the night, expect to start thinking about a second. But PLEASE wait. PLEASE.
The one thing I know for sure about parenting: It never gets easier but it gets different and maybe some of the parts of it you’ll be better at than others.
My husband’s forte was newborn-2. I’m way better at 4-6….even though it still annoys me.
You’ll do great and you’ll have the internet to help you through.
May 25th, 2005 at 8:29 pm
Food for thought:
You own a house (mortgage).
You’re nearly 30 (jesus christ). You and Mrs ELB have been married for ages.
You are both highly literate and have even finished high school.
Along the spectrum of folks in the family way, you’re on the stable side…way on the stable side.
As for the fuzzy feeling, that’s your brain saying oh my fucking god, please put me back up your butt.
j
May 25th, 2005 at 9:12 pm
Dude, you’re fucking rad for even writing a post like this. Your lady’s got a good dude.
May 25th, 2005 at 10:33 pm
Two words – STUPID TIRED. (I thought my boy’s first words were going to be “Oops! Sorry.”)
Two books – The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and The Girlfriend’s Guide to Surviving The First Year.
Five more words – We are here for y’all.
Bring Chauncy to Stillwater, drop him/her off with me and you two go get some beer and cheese fries. Or a nap. Your choice.
May 26th, 2005 at 8:23 am
Thank you for posting this, dude. As you know, ours is due july 25, and I have been nothing but fuck busy. Everything I do, even if it is stuff I used to do anyway, now has a deeper and more babyesque meaning. It is relly freaky, like how I imagine someone feels before a nose job. More excited about the end result than scared by the procedure.
And you rock.
May 26th, 2005 at 9:30 am
I’m pretty sure having a baby is pretty much like having cats, so you are totally prepared. If that isn’t true, please don’t tell me about it, I prefer denial.
May 26th, 2005 at 6:52 pm
The only real differences between having cats and babies is cats clean their own butts, and they sit on your head when they’re angry with you.
May 26th, 2005 at 9:34 pm
The new baby is tough, but it’s also magic and unicorns. It’s all about being cool with that contradiction. Mine’s 13, and he rarely causes me even a moment of trouble, but I miss the little monster that had that crazy yellow hair and drove me absolutely batcrap crazy.
I’m a mom, and all, so I can’t tell you much about the daze, but don’t fear the tough times – they are magic – it’s just a sort of hard to fucking take kind of magic that makes you really tired for awhile.
May 27th, 2005 at 8:42 am
I’m pretty sure MelissaS had it right when she said MAGIC and UNICORNS. Just go with that. Use denial like it is The Force. Let it guide you!
PS: good luck! and ship Chauncey to Richmond if you need a break. :) I am teh 1337 b@by51tt3r!
May 29th, 2005 at 4:59 am
I’m not a dad and my husband is asleep but it’s so much better than you think it will be. And, if like my husband, you become a better person (even though you were always an amazing person) you will be waking up at 7 with the baby and letting your wife sleep in…for hours…and hours…and bringing her coffee in bed and then when she asks you how it was taking care of the little one you’ll say “we had fun!”