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Revenge of the Bitch
By briantologist | May 27, 2005
So. “Revenge of the Sith” has slipped out of our ninety-second cultural attention span for the most part, and that’s probably for the best, as I think maybe it’s time we all just got on with our lives. I guess I got what I needed from it; mainly I’m relieved it wasn’t as bad as the first two prequels, though I realize I’m letting Lucas off easy with an attitude like that.
Therefore, I hereby invite you to bitch about Episode III here in the comments box. Dr. 12 and I did this via e-mail the other day, and I think we both felt a lot better afterwards. Following is a short list of my gripes, to get things started.
• Anakin’s weirdly small face is distracting throughout. Oh yeah, also his TOTAL INABILITY TO CONVEY BELIEVABLE EMOTION.
• Dude, General Grevious … what the fuck? Could they have please for the love of god maybe, I dunno, SHOWN him being a badass and earning the rep he seemed to have? Rather than apparently having a nasty cough, then promptly getting killed?
• For fuck sakes, if the explanation for Obi-Wan just not wanting to use the force on those cutter droids on his fighter is that there’s no air to move in space, I WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF BEING LEFT TO WONDER.
• I know I shouldn’t expect good or even decent or even non-terrible dialogue from Lucas. But dude, seriously, the dialogue is fucking terrible.
• The Jedi sure did go down like bitches just because they were supposed to throughout the film. That first guy Palpatine killed? The one who stood there with his lightsaber until he got run through? Fucking Christ. I mean, in addition to this flying in the face of everything we know about the Jedi and their powers, there’s the added element that if Master Windu brings FOUR OF YOU along with him to go after one fucking guy, isn’t it kind of a good bet that this guy’s pretty fucking dangerous and you should maybe be on your guard just a tiny bit? Li’l bit? Just a little? (This illustrates a larger point about Lucas, which is that he’s almost flawless when it comes to continuity, but less so on little things like the basic logic of human interaction.)
• As Dr. 12 pointed out in our discussion, the lightsaber fights were just terribly shot. Quoting the Doctor: “The lightsaber fights, except perhaps the final duel were pretty crappy. WAAAAAYYYYYYyyyyy too many close-up tight shots of bands of light going back and forth with grimaces on the Jedis’ faces (‘ Oh, this battle must be cool, they’re sweating!!’). Should have been much more use of medium shots that took advantage of choreography and swordplay.”
• “I HATE YOU!!!” Nice. Way to emote there, chicken wing. Now follow it up with an utterly wasted James Earl Jones screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” … Aaaaand, cut! Print! Next scene!
• Goddammit, R2D2 CANNOT FUCKING FLY. The jury has deliberated, and they unanimously declare that serious bullshit. Nor can he just hop right out of his little R2-hole on the fighter! They’ve got a goddamn little elevator inside the ship for that, and a giant magnet lift thing to get him in and out, as they BELIEVABLY explained in the first films. Or no, apparently they just decided to build those systems after EVERY R2 UNIT IN THE GALAXY GOT TOO OLD AND COULDN’T JUMP ANY MORE, AND THEY COULDN’T MAKE ANY NEW DROIDS. Of course that’s it. How foolish of me.
For a truly excellent write-up, follow this link and click … okay look, you’ll know which link to click.
Topics: Laments | 18 Comments »
May 27th, 2005 at 11:39 am
You, sir, are right on the money. I’m happy it is now over, as I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
Jason’s Beefs:
Leia Clearly states in Jedi that she remembers her mother, that she was very beautiful, and very sad. Everyone knows that this id Padme, yet she gets killed. Worse yet, dies of a broken heart.
When Luke leaves Dagobah, and the ghost of Ben says “That boy is our last hope,” Yoda says “No, there is another” This means that Ben did NOT know about Leia. Only Yoda knew, because Vader could read Ben’s mind.
Ben’s second line in Star Wars is: “I don’t seem to remember ever owning a droid.” He has droids all through the freakin series!!!
When they stuck Hayde in that costume it was just wrong. The body language, the tiny face, the really small hands, just wrong. All wrong.
I know we are all spoiled by Shatner’s KKKKHHHHAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
But Vader’s Emoting was just shitty on all levels.
The Wookies had no reason to be in the film. None. Other than to have Wookies. I heard Lucas cut a sub-plot about Padme starting the Rebel Alliance in order to keep the Wookies. Does no one ever say no to that man?
On Midichlorians:
Palpatine wants to overthrow the Galaxy, but can’t do it alone. All his apprentices keep getting killed. Or he has them killed. Along comes Anakin, and his count if off the charts. Finally! thinks Palpatine. Someone worth a damn. He has Dooku killed, and turns Anakin to the dark side.
Anakin’s amount of Midichlorians means he is a total badass, and with proper training, the biggest badass ever. Then he gets his limbs chopped off, and the rest of him is alive only sort of.
Less body parts means less midichlorians, less of a badass.
Fuck! thinks Palpatine. Now he can’t do all the shit I wanted him to. I guess I gotta wait till his kid grows up, and turn him. Then HE will be the badass I need to really be evil. But since Vader is still a bigger badass than most people, I’ll keep him around.
Does that make any sense to anybody?
“Hold me like you did on Naboo”
Does no one ever say no to that man?
I liked Grevous. It is a long standing tradition in sci-fi to create a villan just to kill him, and that’s what they did. He also serves as another metal mutant sith. He’s like the Beta version of Vader.
Ewan nailed Obi-Wan in this one. I loved him. If you have ever seen any of the other movies that Alec Guiness is in, it’s really creepy how alike those two are.
That’s all I got.
JP
May 27th, 2005 at 1:31 pm
we took a flask with us and whenever the light sabers went up, the flask came out. it worked very well.
May 27th, 2005 at 2:18 pm
all weekend allen and i did this lame “bummer” or “that suuuckkkkks” thing with our arms half-up, sounding bored and drunk. Seriously, worst scene in cinema history. (Aside from the one where Anakin and Padme are kissing on a bridge in front of the sunset, three rainbows and a unicorn. GAY.)
May 27th, 2005 at 2:19 pm
(“bummer” and “that sucks” were instead of the “nooooo” scene. In case i miscommunicated.)
May 27th, 2005 at 3:18 pm
Thanks for clarifying styro, I was left wondering whether it was just an act of malaise after seeing the movie or somehow relevant to a scene.
But MAN! The whole bit of cross-cutting between Padme giving birth and Anakin being sheathed in ‘Vaderwear 1.0′ was just fantastic in its parralelism and effectiveness (I almost gasped when they showed the mask coming down and you saw through the eyepieces) and the force-crushing of the room was great. But then ‘Noooo!’?! If he had just gutturally screamed and fallen to his knees with Palpatine looking over him with that grin it would have worked, but ‘Noooooooo!’ like he lost his keys in his car while it was running and it’s late on a Sunday? Puh-leese…
And can we talk about Palpatine’s scene where he ‘ages’ and the horrible horrible ‘I just got yanked out of the movie because I’m now thinking about Copolla’s ‘Dracula’ makeup as well as the weird voicing McDiarmid used? I need to see that again because in one of the pivotal scenes in the movie I found myself in a fit of confusion and discomfort.
May 28th, 2005 at 2:03 pm
I thought the shitty acting brought down the whole movie. And I WAS pissed when R2D2 flew.
May 29th, 2005 at 4:55 am
What about the one where the pre-Darth dude is like the whitest white guy with a squeaky ass voice and then all the sudden he talks like a super cool black man?
I know, I know…the force can do anything for your personal charisma…it’s better than Toastmaster’s!
May 29th, 2005 at 1:03 pm
I saw Star Wars in the theater back in ’77. I was 8 years old. That movie was THE SHIT and was the best to be obsessed with at that time, at that age. Now I’m 36. My girlfriend and I saw Revenge of the Sith and enjoyed it, despite its flaws. I sort of tried to put myself in a child-like mindset (not a stretch) to be better able to get into it. There were inconsistencies-a-plenty, weak dialogue and acting, which I scoffed at – and then promptly forgot. Really, who cares? The scenes were visually rich and exciting, and the action was adrenaline producing, which was all I wanted. Everyone’s acknowledgment of Sith’s imperfections truly shows our obsession and love of this series.
We watched the first one the night after seeing Sith, and we were surprised at how slow and short it was. Plenty of bad dialogue, poor acting and hokey effects. Yet in ’77 everyone was amazed at how AWESOME it was. Lucas may have changed filmmaking and how we look at it, in particular, how we judge his own creations.
The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, along with the other two prequels weren’t very good in my opinion. So I think we’re basically left with the two middle stories, the first and last films – which are the overall best in my estimation.
In a post-Civil Rights, post-Vietnam era of drug addled self-centered disco mania, Lucas got us to love a sci-fi story of hope, featuring different, ugly creatures who didn’t speak our language, with ground-breaking effects in a style that was essentailly a western, and used classical music throughout to great affect. Looking back on it, it’s no wonder the studios rejected Lucas’s first proposal. And given his meager experience at directing (and completely different story/style from Americn Graffitti) and his huge budgetary needs, it’s amazing Star Wars ever got made.
May 29th, 2005 at 3:39 pm
>>When Luke leaves Dagobah, and the ghost of Ben says “That boy is our last hope,” Yoda says “No, there is another” This means that Ben did NOT know about Leia. Only Yoda knew, because Vader could read Ben’s mind.>Ben’s second line in Star Wars is: “I don’t seem to remember ever owning a droid.” He has droids all through the freakin series!!!<<
he also says darth vader killed luke’s father. are you not clear on the fact that ben is being purposefully obfuscatory at this point?
anyway, so when obi kills grievous, was there a shot of something like a heart in grievous’s chest cavity? what the fuck? is he part human or something? and ok, he’s a droid who’s really fucking smart or something, right? and they have millions of soldier droids who are pretty much the washington generals of the universe. so why don’t they stop building the stupid droids and just make a million grievous droids? then they would kick some ass.
May 29th, 2005 at 6:08 pm
Grevious is part organic, part droid. Kind of like what Vader became. I think we’re to believe he was human, or alien, was injured severely, and then housed within a mechanical shell. He was obviously partially organic, as indicated by his cough and eyes. Besides, could droids think for themselves and be leaders?
Part of what I liked about that character is that we don’t know much about him except that he’s one serious badass. And his “skeleton” had more of a bone-like quality, than a metalic one, and that looked just plain cool.
May 30th, 2005 at 1:35 am
Hemm where to begin on this one.
The best scene. Definitely when Yoda walks in the room and smacks the imperial troopers around as he walks in. That’s about it for that scene, since the emporer toasts him in the next 7 ish minutes.
A: “You are so beautiful.” “[it's] because I’m so in love with you.” P:”So you are blinded by love?” Okay, if I’d not known that Lucas wrote this, I’d think that Padme was feeding Aniken lines.
Y: “If in the security tapes you go, only pain lies there.” O-W: “I must know the truth.” *scanning* “It cannot be … I do not believe it.” *3 seconds of tape* “I can watch no more” This was probably the most emotionless scene I’ve EVER watched. This was the culminating scene for Aniken’s betrayal! Ultimate betrayal usually meets more passionate response.
Second best scene. Y:”Good relations with Wookies, I have.”
Least favorite animations: Dooku flipping off the balcony, followed by closeups of his liver spots and coffee/cigarette-stained smile. The elevator (predictable, get on with it). Emporer flying into the Chair (Yoda v. Emporer scene), suddenly the chair is half the size?! Buzz bots … like there wasn’t enough going on in that scene anyways?(it was starting too seem a little Matrixesque for a space movie). Death of Windu … at least show stuff, it’s samuel jackson being devoid of emotion! wait …
For someone who could crush a surgery room, Vader sure did let his powers slip with his age. Maybe it’s because he had no competition?
~B
May 31st, 2005 at 10:39 am
>> For someone who could crush a surgery room, Vader sure did let his powers slip with his age. Maybe it’s because he had no competition?
Are you kiddding? In the original Star Wars he force chokes somebody through teleconference. That’s pretty badass to see as a kid, but as an adult iy has given me a lifetime of “stuck in a shitty meeting” fantasies.
I hated Obi-Wan’s chasing Grievous. The big wheel bike-thing was stupid as was Obi-Wan’s fiercely-loyal giant iguana creature. Dumb, dumb, dumb…
Two best parts :
1) Seeing people floating around in space after their ships were destroyed in the opening battle.
2) Yoda throwing a lightsaber through the heart of a clone trooper.
The “NOOOOOOO!!!” didn’t bother me that much. He was a crybaby throughout these movies, why would that change once he’s in a badass suit?
May 31st, 2005 at 1:15 pm
best part of the movie = portman getting choked amongst pits of exploding lava.
May 31st, 2005 at 3:58 pm
Shouldn’t they have been sweating buckets during that lava planet scene?
May 31st, 2005 at 10:38 pm
They can create all manner of robotic limbs for amputees and somehow encase someones heart in a metal shell, but they can’t save Padme from dying during childbirth?
June 1st, 2005 at 8:47 am
Y’know, come to think of it, that’s a damn good point. They hadn’t, I dunno, invented the Caesarian Section back then? Even though they could fly at the speed of light? Again, Lucas: Not bad when it comes to continuity, but god-awful when it comes to basic logic.
June 1st, 2005 at 12:30 pm
My gripe: I only noticed one female speaking role in the whole freakin’ movie. I know the original three movies pretty much only had Leia, but at least she was sassy. Padme pretty much just walked around the apartment and stared pensively out windows the whole movie… then somehow managed to come up with the energy to die of a “broken heart” at the end. Lame.
June 1st, 2005 at 4:00 pm
Wasn’t there something about Padme losing her “will to live”?
How did Anakin, er, Vader, maintain the will to live? Christ almighty… most of his religious order were killed, his mentor lopped off 3 of his limbs and left him for dead, suffered 3rd degree burns over what was left of his body, forced into a scary, prosthetic life support costume, and then told that he killed his beloved Padme.
“NOOOOOOO!!!” hardly begins to express how I would feel. Drinking alone would become a way of life. (That, and lots of TV, chocolate chip cookies and Prozac, paired with grief counseling.)
Vader probably had a bottle of single malt hooked up to his life support system to get through the pain and misery.