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Mr. Dearest
By briantologist | July 18, 2006
Every time I’m unemployed, I always think I’m gonna end up being a lot better at it than I turn out to be.
It’s a slam dunk on paper: My days free, I’ll wake up late, put on my clothes, take my credit card to the liquor store, and end up eating breakfast at noon. Then I’ll putter the afternoon away at the coffee shop, sporadically working on my novel and watching G.I. Joe clips online, capping my evenings off with some classic American cinema.
But it never pans out. Last time it happened to me, I was so preoccupied with money that I practically pulled my fingers off one by one, worrying about when I’d get work, when the enforcers from the credit card companies would show up, when the repo guys would come after my crappy 10-year-old used car. This time we’re in much better shape financially, having sold our house and part of my liver (I just keep growing more!) for a tidy profit, but of course now I’ve got Henry to take care of, which as any downtrodden Stay-at-home Mom can tell you, is pretty much the opposite of unemployment, only without the paycheck, and also you wipe a person’s butthole, which I’ve been lucky enough never to have had to do at any of my jobs thus far*.
Any stay-at-home parents are at this point officially encouraged to go read something else — not because you’re not welcome to read it, but because trust me, you’ve already heard all this shit before, and you don’t need to keep hearing it, I’m guessing; let it be officially acknowledged by this weblog that this entire post will consist of shit that’s been said before by better people than me.
So yeah, anyway, this shit is hard. Seriously. I mean, obviously I love our boy. Obviously he’s the sweetest little person to walk this earth since Billy Barty, and obviously I love our time together. But it just gets to be an awful lot of time together, is the thing, and honestly I don’t think I’m inventive or persistent enough to come up with stuff to keep us both occupied for 40 hours a week, even with him napping for three-plus hours a day.
And I’ve come up with stuff, let me tell you. Not good stuff, but stuff. Like for example, we go to Target! A lot! Like three or four times a week, on average. And we both enjoy it: He likes the getting out of the house bit, and frankly so do I. He gets really excited about riding the elevator; I get excited about the fact that there’s a wine aisle in Target, because I moved here from a dumb place with dumb liquor laws. We like Trader Joe’s for much the same set of reasons, even with their lack of an elevator: lots of people and things to look at, and the wine aisles are stellar.
But it’s gotten to where it’s not enough for me any more, and clearly I’m projecting when I say it’s not enough for him either; technically he is probably fine with spending time at retail outlets, looking at people and objects. But fuck, I don’t know. Maybe he’s picking up on my lack of contentment and getting fussier. Probably, if he actually is fussier, it’s a reflection of my blatantly discontented behavior, for which he has a front-row seat, the lucky little guy. Which, if it’s true, means he’s learning to be blatantly discontented every single day! Which proves my theory that Henry’s chances of leading a fulfilling and productive life increase in inverse proportion to the amount of time he spends around his father. So. Great.
If the previous paragraph proves anything, it’s that Snoop Doggy Dogg needs to get himself a Jobby Job, like fucken fast. I get time to reflect on things like this, and you get rambling, non-fun blog entries. Wish me luck, I guess is the point I’m getting to here. Pray for Mojo.
* — Okay, fine, one time when I delivered pizzas, but how the fuck was I supposed to know it wasn’t expected of me for a tip? Look, fuck you, man.
Topics: Beans!, Reflections From the Bottom Rung | 19 Comments »
July 18th, 2006 at 7:46 pm
Maybe you should teach him how to use Photobooth, THAT could be fun.
July 18th, 2006 at 9:29 pm
I was going to suggest a trip to the library. than I saw you pull out that gun and dedided i better not suggest. then with a lirbarian in the family i imagined it’s been thought of.
it just made the day pass a little faster for us. and the park before it’s too hot. sorry i know you aren’t looking for bla bla bla like this but i feel your pain (or pain like it) every day.
July 18th, 2006 at 9:52 pm
Einstein will watch the baby.
July 18th, 2006 at 10:33 pm
Uh Brian,
Parent=entertainment
Not
(I would have used the not equal sign but I don’t know the keystroke offhand and its not on the keyboard.)
Just as when he is older
Parent = friend
Not
(Of course after they leave home that is not true
parent = friend is a good thing)
Just my old-fashioned opinion.
July 18th, 2006 at 11:19 pm
He’s fine. Think of something to do that’s entertaining to you and not damaging to him, instead of trying to think of something that’s entertaining to him and not damaging to you, is my thought, for which you totally asked.
I wish you luck and speed in finding a job that uses half of your brain, enough to keep you engaged but with a reasonable amount left over for Henry and of course us. Mostly us.
July 19th, 2006 at 1:29 am
I thought the Target thing was my own special contribution to the field of child development. Trader Joe’s is the next level.
We have the most amazing, amazing park near our house. That alone provides our kid with hours of entertainment. I bring work then somehow I end up having to play with her. When I forget my work, she always plays by herself. Are you social? The moms might talk to you. That’s sort of one thing I hate about the park because I’m a misanthrope. But it seems like whenever my husband goes without me the sexy moms are always there. He knows everyone by name.
Look for the rich part of town or a rich suburb. That’s where the good parks are.
July 19th, 2006 at 9:12 am
Um, if you think that free tickets to see “Superman Returns 3D” at the Navy Pier IMAX on Sunday at 3:45 might help, then please let me know.
P.S. I’m not kidding.
July 19th, 2006 at 10:06 am
oh he might like museums! if he is chill in the stroller go explore!
July 19th, 2006 at 10:32 am
library, park, dad’s group with kids, dad’s blogs. those are my ideas. if you do one or all of those daily, you might feel better. it would also probably help if you got a super routine going. since your life is unscheduled because of the no-job-right-now thing, i think a super stict schedule for yourself will make you feel more in control. good luck!
July 19th, 2006 at 10:35 am
Like wisdom, good parenting skills are usually only possessed by people who believe they are lacking.
July 19th, 2006 at 11:28 am
Get a bike with one of those seat things for the kid!
Or paint, something with lead in it, and nasty cancerous fumes. Errr, whatever.
Or make some musics!
Get him started on the wine early!
Yeah, I’m no good at this stuff either.
July 19th, 2006 at 4:43 pm
Listen, if you can come up with something interesting to do with your kid let me know. I live in Italy for godssake and still am at a loss for activities for my 10 month old! She is totally bored with going to the market and our living room. I don’t know why she hates the living room, we have cable.
July 19th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Nice use of GNF’NR Nighttrain lyrics in a post. Well done! Might I suggest museums? They’re free for kids, usually, and have some entrance times that are free. PLUS air conditioning!
July 19th, 2006 at 5:52 pm
Dude, Becky, you get a gold star for the day. I was sitting there chortling as I typed that, and figured it was one of those things that only I would find funny.
Nina, if it’s any consolation, your kid will be old enough to smoke and drink in two months, right? In Italy, I mean.
July 19th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
Can’t you guys learn a second language together? I think that would be an amusing scene in the Daddy & Me musical montage part of your life movie.
July 20th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
Dude, i love you. I would not make a good stay-at-home anything. I get bored too easily, and daytime tv REALLY SUCKS.
July 20th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
parents groups with people whose kids are the same age as yours will save your ass every week. My moms group meets once a week and I look forward to it like you would not believe. I’m sure there is a dads morning out in your area; you think it’s going to be all teething talk but you really develop some grown-up friendships while the kids learn to do their thing. You just keep them in your sights but it really is a break. Best of luck.
July 25th, 2006 at 3:04 pm
Maybe you could put a classified ad in the paper offering “free training” for all those pre-teens who want to be babysitters or “disuasion sessions” (ad aimed at parents) for those girls who think they want to have babies at 14.
Basically, try to get some free help and call it a service. Best case scenario, you can charge people. :)
July 25th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
I like that idea. I like that idea very much.