« attention: | Home | yet more. »
Watch the birdie.
By briantologist | July 24, 2006
After viewing a truly spectacular set of Erin‘s old family pictures, we started discussing the nuanced art of looking terrible in photographs, which led to my writing the following weirdly confessional but ultimately rewarding passage:
When I had my senior pictures taken in high school, they told me to
bring like, one formal outfit, one sort of biz/cashze, and one casual
outfit. So naturally my casual outfit involved a Van Halen t-shirt
with a picture of the Earth from space and the neck of Eddie’s guitar
busting out of a giant crack inside it. And also I was wearing a
skull around my neck that I’d made out of Sculpey. Because the ladeez
LOVE that! As they surely must’ve loved the collection of other shit
I wore around my neck as a late teen, including a fringed leather
pocketknife pouch a friend of mine made for me (there was a spork
stuck in there for a while), the severed head of a Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles action figure (Casey Jones, I believe he was), and did
I mention the skull? Did I mention I made four skulls, each
representing a different member of Van Halen? Line up, ladies.
The only time that sticks out in my mind that I actually looked okay
when I thought I looked okay in a picture(s) was our wedding, and
that was because of the following:
A) I was skinnier than I am now.
B) I had showered, and was wearing relatively clean clothing.
C) My dear friend and best man Nate had determined the absolute
surefire way to ensure a genuine smile on my face during pictures,
which was to sum up something my friend Ross had divulged to us, at
length and unbidden, on the drunk ride home the night before, by
muttering “Ross shaves his balls” in my ear the moment before the
shutter clicked. I look genuinely happy in each of those pictures
because I am actually laughing out loud during them.
In closing, if you’re reading this, and you’re Ross, dude, you know I love you. Just not in a ball-shavin’ kind of way. Plus, remember the bit about me and the skulls around my neck? It would be impossible for you to not look less retarded than me in this story.
Topics: Hoo! | 15 Comments »
July 24th, 2006 at 12:19 pm
This is just as fucking hilarious the second time through.
July 24th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
i wanna see the aforementioned pics! all of em!
July 24th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
Yeah! Post ‘em!
July 24th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
Of the wedding, I meant. Yeah! Post ‘em!
July 24th, 2006 at 9:59 pm
I got some Byrne wedding pics! They both look awesome.
July 25th, 2006 at 6:25 am
You can’t just write a post about awful portraits and then leave us hanging like Richard Simmons prom date. Deliver up some eye candy, rocker!
July 25th, 2006 at 7:43 am
I’m with Be, I read through that post laughing my ass off only to be crushed, crushed I tell you!
July 25th, 2006 at 7:47 am
I am remiss in not posting these pics, but I’m honestly not sure where any of them are. The shame ran so deep during the first round of photo awareness that I think I may have buried them all in a closet at my parents’ and never looked back.
I do have our wedding pictures, but they actually look pretty good, and as such are kind of boring.
July 25th, 2006 at 8:15 am
We like boring wedding pictures! And they’re of the Byrnes’ so it can’t be THAT boring. Come on, man. Please the masses.
July 25th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
The only copuy of your senior picture I’ve ever seen is the one in your parent’s bedroom. As for our wedding pictures, it’s almost like looking at strangers.
July 25th, 2006 at 1:45 pm
My favorite picture from your wedding is the one all of your groomsmen taken minutes before the ceremony (and not just because I was in that picture). As we were waiting to get the green light to start walking down the aisle, we were stuck in what I assume was the office of the choir director. Rather than wax about how perfect you two were for each other (which you are), we just fucked around with the stuff in the room including : an oxygen tank and mask, choir robes, and a wheelchair. Also, five years later I’m still hung over from that weekend. Good times.
July 25th, 2006 at 1:55 pm
MY favorite picture from the wedding is of Greg and Brian tongue kissing at Caz’s.
July 27th, 2006 at 4:32 am
wow, all the stuff I missed by not being your friend…
spork in a fringed pouch. Did you ever go to a unitarian youth retreat in Dallas? Say, 19,uh,92ish?
July 27th, 2006 at 7:47 am
No, that was the other guy with the spork in the fringed pouch. My nemesis.
No, wait. That was me, after all. Yes. Yes, it was.
July 28th, 2006 at 1:58 am
Holy the crap.
I have met you in real life.