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“Announcement,” or “wherein our protagonist is vexed by a T-shirt.”
By briantologist | August 18, 2006
Okay, apropos of nothing, you know what’s officially outta here? Beer snobs. Beer snobs, you’re outta this game. Back to the locker room with you. See the manager tomorrow morning.
It’s just that I just now saw this guy in the coffee shop with a t-shirt that said “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink Cheap Beer” (and OMG LOL ROTFLMAO!!! A “Friends Don’t Let Friends _________” gag! Don’t tell me “This is your brain on ________” is next or I’ll have a goddamn seizure! Of laughter! From the laughing!), and yes, whatever, it’s a fucking t-shirt, carry on, and all, but no. No, I’m not gonna carry on just yet.
Look. Here’s the thing. Remember when “High Fidelity” (the book, not the movie) came out, and the big revelation at the end was how, as you get older, you realize the extent to which the idea that it’s not what you’re like, but what you like, just doesn’t hold up any more? See, that was the important part of the book, to me. Yes, there was a lot of great writing about music and loving music and whatnot, but the really important bit was when Rob realizes he’s living by a set of rules best left behind when the door to your twenties hits you in the ass, locking tightly behind you.
Except that I’m fairly certain that the gist of what a lot of people (I don’t know these people personally, as I am basing exactly none of this on fact) took away from the book, and later the film, was essentially this: “Ha ha, that guy yelled at somebody for buying a dumb record!” Call me a terrible explicator, but I’m fairly certain Nick Hornby was aiming a few degrees north of that still-so-terribly-relevant theme.
The what-you-like v. what-you’re-like debate spills into every walk of life where taste is concerned, and it’s equally irritating and hypocritical no matter where it pops up. Now, let me be clear: The importance of what you like is not entirely negligible. If somehow your deep, abiding love for the films of Jennifer Lopez actually reflects some fundamental truth of your personality, then perhaps we do have a problem. And if you’re really, really, really into the “Left Behind” series, you are, in all likelihood, beyond redemption. (Ironic, that.)
However. It will come as no surprise at all to the thoughtful reader that there exist, out there in the ether, some truly legitimate people who happen to have terrible taste in things. There’s an excellent chance that some of these people are your mother. This is, of course, not groundbreaking information — everybody already knows this, right? Sure we do! We all judge the people we meet on the content of their character, and not the fact that they’re wearing a shirt that reads “LIFE, LIBERTY, AND CRABS: JOE’S CRAB SHACK,” don’t we? More to the point, we all realize that whether somebody’s drinking Natty Lite instead of effing Sierra Nevada Pale Ale is utterly irrelevant to whether or not we’ll get along with them, don’t we? Surely we do, since we’re all open-minded, thoughtful people!
Except we’re not, and you know it. Sure, it’s totally fine now to drink PBR whenever you go out, since it’s now last week’s badge of hipster cred (where will the slumming suburbanite kids go next in search of a cheaper drink? Thunderbird? corn whiskey? mouthwash?), but what if you drank PBR before people in $88 T-shirts did? What if you were legitimately a fan of like, Schuler’s Lager, the first beer I ever bought that cost less per six-pack than Coca-Cola? (NOTE: I was not. A fan.) Perhaps that doesn’t matter to you — but would it matter if the Schuler’s advocate were wearing the aforementioned Joe’s Crab Shack shirt? What if s/he had the Schuler’s, the shirt, and a Toby Keith record playing?
See, I mean, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t wanna hang out with that person, I guess is what I’m saying. But by god, I might be depriving myself of knowing someone I’d end up liking anyway. I’ve been friends with some people whose political and/or religious beliefs ended up being pretty fucking baffling to me, and quite often I didn’t find out about these beliefs until I’d already become friends with them, so it’s not like I can even stump for open-mindedness based on my own experience.
All of which is to say that beer snobs are assholes. You’re probably not a beer snob, and you probably don’t hang around with any, so probably this has been a lengthy waste of your time, BUT NONETHELESS! I would like to state for the record that a lot of beers that people get snobby about? Totally undrinkable. Or they’re only good for like, half of one before you’re totally full and wishing you had a can of Mountain Creek handy. And by “you” I mean “me.” I have this theory that for every penny above seven dollars that a six-pack of beer costs, the likelihood of it ending up tasting heavy and dreary and basically like the beer equivalent of a four-hour conversation with a college sophomore philosophy major increases like, twofold.
So fuck you, guy, and your stupid T-shirt. Hmmmneeeeh!
Topics: Rage, Thinkin'. | 38 Comments »
August 18th, 2006 at 11:13 am
Yeah, but cheap beer tastes like piss. I don’t feel the need to evangelize that truth on my clothing, but c’mon. Beer snobs are as annoying as wine snobs and music snobs, but seriously dude, don’t drink shitty beer. If you want the good stuff, your next pint’s on me.
August 18th, 2006 at 11:49 am
Is it alright to like $9 six packs as long as we don’t get all uppity about it? Cause, man, I like me some $9 microbrew!
August 18th, 2006 at 11:50 am
I only drink beer that is more than $10 a six-pack. Even if it tastes like death.
August 18th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
But damn, there’s nothing like a cold Miller Lite at the beer tent at the state fair, y’all. And getting shitty drunk and swingin’ around the pole on the dance floor. And your boyfriend gets in a fight.
Good times.
August 18th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Yeah, but I don’t necessarily want the good stuff. I mean, if or when I do, I’ll buy it, but lately the cheap stuff’s been treating me pretty damn fine.
Drink all you want of the expensive stuff. Just don’t begrudge me my Old Style Tall Boys (not that you were to begin with), the majesty of which was, incidentally, the other inspiration for this tirade.
And on a technical note, I don’t even think I can find anything that’s 10 bucks a six-pack here.
August 18th, 2006 at 1:45 pm
schlitz malt liquor. i don’t really like the taste, but i do love to say it. over and over.
August 18th, 2006 at 1:49 pm
I love this post. The same goes for food snobs. You know what? SOMETIMES I WANT QUESO. Don’t judge me!
August 18th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
The local venue/bar we play most often switched their base/free to bands beer from PBR to Miller “High Life.” We’re gonna complain, eventually.
The night we discovered the switch, I was somehow flush with cash, so I was buying $4 ciders rather than drink too much of the “High Life.”
There’s nothing “cool” about the “High Life.”
And Schlitz is the motherfucking DEVIL!
August 18th, 2006 at 2:29 pm
I have to say that if you were caught drinking Mad Dog, I would be concerned. I would call your sister & your mother & ask them for an intervention.
But shun I wouldn’t.
August 18th, 2006 at 3:23 pm
Hey, I don’t even much like beer—largely ’cause it makes me feel full before it makes me feel buzzy—but I love this post. It’s a shame the dumb fuck in the T-shirt has no idea he inspired someone today.
Rage on.
August 18th, 2006 at 3:36 pm
OK, snobbery sucks, period. Let people like what they like.
Hell, my wife likes her 10-cent a box mac and chee. I think it tastes like crap. But if that’s what she wants and she doesn’t make me eat it, who the fuck cares?
Same with beer. If you like Bud or Miller or Busch or Billy Beer or Zima, you like it. That’s good for me, because if I buy beer for you, it’s going to be cheap. I like the shittiest Mexican beer around, Sol.
It just goes back to the basic tenet of Christianity: Stop being such a douche bag, douche bag.
August 18th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
side note: thank you briantologist for helping out my husband last weekend. even though you and i… we clash. i still appreciated it.
The Bad Sister
August 18th, 2006 at 4:51 pm
I thought the point of High Fidelity was that, at some point, we all come to the realization that the dream doesn’t exist and therefore we have to settle. Yeah, that book really pissed me off when I read it the first time, because I had just gotten out of a relationship because neither of us was willing to “settle” for what the other wanted, and I started reading High Fidelity and was like, “Fuck yeah!” because he was justifying why he and the chickie shouldn’t be together because that would be settling, and then I got to the end, and it was all, “Settling is good,” and I was like, “You bastard! Where’s my validation, asshole?!”
Ah, memories.
Your theory is also interesting. I should re-read it without my bitter history clouding my judgement.
August 18th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
Drinking shitty beer is a point against you on my future friends list. It takes a lot of points to become unfriendable. Toby Keith is worth a lot of points.
PS: I can only really ever drink 1 of any beer before I’m drunk, so I usually try to make it something I can chew. Delicious.
August 18th, 2006 at 5:14 pm
Yeah, in the name of full disclosure, I should probably say that I’m honestly not sure I could be friends with someone in spite of their abiding love of Toby Keith. I mean, they’d have to buy me an awful lot of Schlitz, is all I’m saying.
August 18th, 2006 at 6:43 pm
Okay, here at the ‘farm’, the ‘weekend beer’ is “Milwaukee’s Best” because it’s $1.39 for a BIG ASS bottle at Vons and two of ‘em works for the both of us… (tastes like shit, but it’s somehow refreshing after fixing fence when it’s more than 100 degrees F)… hubby’s regular drink is Miller’s Lite, and mine is more like a margarita, but hey….
… bet the beer snob got a drip, not an espresso…
August 18th, 2006 at 9:02 pm
awesome- i am mormon and have no idea about any of the beers you talked about but i think i get it if i were to replace beers with shoes. and the music part of it i get. i think.
and no fear. i think you are talking about the guy who wore no fear and big johnson t-shirts. it’s that guy at 30. (?)
August 19th, 2006 at 1:32 am
Brian, you might be one of the brightest minds of our generation.
Also, the new name for SB’s blog should be Queso-ra Sera. Let the queso be.
August 19th, 2006 at 5:13 am
See, maybe it wasn’t that he was a beer snob, but that he liked stupid tshirts.
Does that change your equation?
Not for me either.
August 19th, 2006 at 6:52 am
Wow, I totally didn’t think about that. It probably would, in no small part because I’m a big fan of dumb clothing myself.
Though his shirt isn’t as funny-dumb as it is just, y’know, dumb-dumb.
August 19th, 2006 at 8:33 am
ok, i’m coming out of the closet: i love heineken (sp.?) and ordering that around my hood (nyc – lower parts) seems to be the kiss of death. I. DON’T CARE! I like it. oh ma gosh, i feel so much better now.
August 19th, 2006 at 8:46 am
Yeah, but Kyle’s a beer snob. Of the worst sort. He likes to BREW beer. AND he’s a member on this beer review site, Beer Advocate.
However, we do have a case of very drinkable Mountain Creek in the fridge. Is it too early? Hmmm…maybe I’ll wait until at least 10am.
August 19th, 2006 at 10:48 am
Back in my college days our weekend agenda was to get drunk (of course). Our motto used to be “Let’s get Schlizted, Pabsted, Blatzed Shlatzed or Zima-ed”. It all tasted great to me except the Zima.
To each their own I guess.
August 19th, 2006 at 7:02 pm
One of my all time favorite funny-dumb shirts was in “once upon a time in mexico” and Johnny Depp wore one shirt that said “I’m with stupid” and I think it pointed down to his crotch.
But I think the difference between funny-dumb and dumb-dumb is sometimes the wearer of said shirt. For example, those shirts that makes you look like you’re a hot chick in a bikini. On a chick? dumb-dumb, on briantologist I have a feeling we’d have a sardonic funny-dumb moment. My hubby likes to wear one that says “Sexy Grandma” cracks up strangers fairly regularly.
Those “big Johnson” shirts though? always dumb-dumb-dumb.
August 19th, 2006 at 9:13 pm
“I have this theory that for every penny above seven dollars that a six-pack of beer costs, the likelihood of it ending up tasting heavy and dreary and basically like the beer equivalent of a four-hour conversation with a college sophomore philosophy major increases like, twofold.”
I love this theory. And as I head out to a one of those new school year get-to-know-you type b.y.o.b. tonight, I will think deeply about your beer wisdom in the cold beer aisle of the grocery store.
August 20th, 2006 at 7:53 am
Dude, amen.
I have certain unnamed friends who will call to tell me all about the beer festival they went to – and somehow, somehow they manage to ruin it all by giving me a rundown of which beer was hoppiest and why I shouldn’t really call that a Belgian white, because technically blah blah bitty blah blah blah.
It makes me want to go buy a six-pack of Pig’s Eye, which is great if you like the taste of Bimbo bread soaked in hobo piss. I myself don’t mind it.
August 20th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
Dude, guys in “Sexy Grandma” shirts = solid gold. I had a hot-pink T-shirt that said “OLD FART’S DAUGHTER-IN-LAW” that I had to give away because it was too small for me.
And OMG, I love Pig’s Eye! Well, not love, but as you say, I really don’t mind it at all. And when it’s that or like, low-point Budweiser? And people give you funny looks for taking the Pig’s Eye instead? Baffling. Though if you’re in a situation where low-point Bud is “The Good Stuff,” perhaps there are other problems afoot.
August 20th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
I totally forgot that I had some sexy grandma shirts i designed up on cafe press.
http://www.cafepress.com/sexy_grandma
spread the love brutha, WORLD-WIDE….
(seriously, i uploaded those like 2 years ago! when you can’t find a shirt you like, gotta make one yourself)
August 21st, 2006 at 7:29 am
I enjoyed reading this post. I tried to capture a sentiment vaguely similar in nature in an old blog of my own:
August 21st, 2006 at 12:23 pm
The only time I ever liked Zima was at the Country Club. I was a waiter there and it was one of the few beverages we could consume on the job and not look guilty.
Zima free at work, thats good times.
Zima at a bar, not so much.
jason
August 21st, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Where the fuck is the “favorite this” button, goddamnit??
August 21st, 2006 at 2:38 pm
I think there’s nothing wrong with being snobby about things as long as you acknowledge that your fascinating snobbets may not be shared. I get quite excited about things like what different dictionaries have listed in the usage notes for “hopefully” but I am ready to acknowledge that my interests are not exactly universal. It’s fun to get together with other grammar/style hounds and take things to bits, but I try not to inflict that on people who are still excited about it’s/its.
I save the “healthy/healthful” discussions for people who share my interests and those who want to tell me about the subtle floral qualities and aromatic flavors of just about anything. I can bore those people directly under the table. Then I finish their beers.
August 22nd, 2006 at 7:33 pm
Interestingly, Nick Hornby (mentioned above) recently expressed this exact same sentiment, only about books, not beer
August 23rd, 2006 at 11:23 am
Dude, discussions of usage are always, always, ALWAYS welcome. If you ever need somebody to vent to about how people use “hopefully,” you know where to turn.
August 23rd, 2006 at 6:34 pm
crap. actually had to see WHAT the usage note was for “hopefully”. I shall NOT throw down the grammar gauntlet…. I am unworthy.
August 25th, 2006 at 11:16 am
My sweetie forbids me to drink cheap beer. She doesn’t like how I smell after doing so. I am allowed to drink, I know it’s sad, only good beers and single-malt whiskey. You know what? I feel better the morning after these days than I did after my college nights of Special Export.
September 17th, 2006 at 11:56 am
A nice person doesn’t subject the entire earth to their taste bud’s taste. Or for that matter, any other part of their taste; it kinda implies you think you’re better than they are.
Someone shake me if I ever do that, please.
August 13th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Word. My beer snob friends are driving me crazy. If we go to a small town they embarrass me by asking the waitresses what kind of wheats and lagers they have and stuff.
Why do they get angry about Budweiser and Busch and stuff like they can’t drink it? I’m going crazy just thinking about it. Beer snobs just shut up and drink and leave other people alone!