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news copy magnificence
By briantologist | October 16, 2006
I awoke this morning to hear news of Ecuador’s presidential elections, and yeah, whatever, I know there’s a lot of terrible and important stuff going on in Central and South America, and I know I’m probably a bad person for not caring more, but when I hear the words “Banana Tycoon” coming from my radio, that’s pretty much the end of the story for me. This descriptor makes the short list of Greatest Things I Have Ever Heard on National Public Radio, joining “Sausage Magnate,” a gem I had the honor of contributing myself at my last job when our show featured an interview with the guy who wrote this book about this guy.
Seriously, I’m pretty sure you get automatic funny when you combine a food with an honorific; see Abe Frohmann, the Sausage King of Chicago for confirmation of this. And in my book you get double points for using Magnate, and triple points when the title’s actually legitimate (NPR’s story this morning later referred to Alvaro Noboa, the fruit shucker in question, as, yes, a Banana Magnate, which nearly caused me to fall out of bed with delight).
A few examples, not that you need any by now, as clearly you’re busy creating your own:
• Pork Tycoon
• Squash Viscount
• Dog Food Queen
• Breakfast Food Magnate
• Citrus Knave
You get the idea. Also I’m pretty sure everything gets funnier when you involve some form of meat product in the name, and funnier still when it’s a pork product, e.g., Produce Magnate is less funny than Beef King, which is less funny than Bacon Commander. Just for the record.
Topics: Fucking Awesome | 15 Comments »
October 16th, 2006 at 7:55 am
Kumquat Baron. Hee hee.
October 16th, 2006 at 10:07 am
Earl of Vienna… Sausages.
October 16th, 2006 at 10:15 am
Dude I totally thought the same thing when I heard that on my way in to work this morning. Banana tycoon? Seriously? How does anyone take you seriously when you’re a banana tycoon?
I opted to try not to develop the Curious George references that were brewing in my brain.
October 16th, 2006 at 12:35 pm
I wanna be a Squash Viscount…or Viscountess as it may be.
And Kumquat Baron made me snort out loud.
October 16th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
I’d like to be the Baroness of Bung, but that’s a completely different, yet still excellent, news story…
October 16th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Duke of Braunschweiger.
Here’s what I love, tho: the fast food restauarant chain in Spain called “Museo del Jamon”. That kicks ass.
October 16th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
In high school, a friend and I actually called ourselves The Beef Jerky Queen and the Pork Parts Princess. Why? Why the hell do you do ANYTHING in high school?
October 16th, 2006 at 4:08 pm
Nobody should be allowed to do anything in high school. Except visit the Museum of Ham! In España!
October 16th, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Darth Ham Hock, I presume?
October 17th, 2006 at 7:35 am
fluffernutter coordinator
October 17th, 2006 at 11:49 am
This post made me so happy. Also, viscount doesn’t rhyme with discount, did you know that?
October 17th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
It’s crazy! I only learned that a couple of years ago. The word got a whole new round of verbal excitement from me after I learned how it’s pronounced. Hi, I am easily entertained.
October 18th, 2006 at 10:22 am
Dude. You totally need to read Erik Larsen’s “Devil In The White City” if you haven’t… while no sausage is involved, apparently your new-found home breeds weird and creepy murderers of women (or is that redundant?). Also, it’s a really good book.
October 19th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Bratwurst Kingpin
But yeah, Bacon Commander is pretty much the pinnacle. Nice going.
October 20th, 2006 at 8:32 pm
I know I’m a johnnycake-come-lately but I’ve been drawing a blank…
His Eggcelency,
Prime Minister of Prime Rib
Duke of DingDongs (um no)
Lord of the Potted Meats
Commander in Cheese
Captain Cupcake
man these all totally suck.
I shall try more harder later.