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From Tragic to Stupid.
By briantologist | January 15, 2007
Now, in the name of following up something heartbreaking with something just blatantly jack-stupid, I present to you a running commentary on the Golden Globes. Your chance to bail out ends after the jump.
DUMBASS E! RED CARPET PRE-SHOW!
They just cut off Jeremy Piven in midsentence to go to Brangelina. Wow. Pitts just said “breakfast diapers.” His skin and hair are the same color. There’s a long, sweeping shot up AJ’s gown like she’s the fucking Serengeti.
Oh, Drew Barrymore, you so pancaked. Christ. Her hair and skin are ALSO the same color! She’s gotten not one tiny bit less irritating since the last time I saw her speak publicly, at last year’s Assy Awards.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh squinty horrible Renee Zelwegger. Thank heavens Evangeline Lily is here, scorchingly hot, wearing something inexplicable. It’s like flesh-colored with a tint of lavender, the net result of which is … gross, really. Just gross.
Reese Witherspoon has bangs, and has lost 160 pounds of douchebag! Good job, June.
Fucking Jamie Foxxxxxxx and Kanye West need to fight it out in a big jar in the basement. Winner gets seventy boots to the head.
Kate “help my brain is melting from your hot hot hotness” Winslet is, um, hot. Yeah. That’s all I got. AAAAA Swank! Yeesh. I like her, but this “Dangerous Freedom Gangsta’s Paradise Writers” thing is beyond dreck. Or, y’know, I’m assuming. Just a guess. A hunch, really. An inkling. I like that thing in her hair, though. Oh, no! It’s not jewelry! It’s a bat! A vicious, vicious bat!
No, it’s jewelry. I was playing.
Steve Carrell’s wife’s gown is kind of neat. That is all.
AAAAAAAAASHARONSTONEISHORRIFYING!!!!!! I’m so glad she’s around.
Let’s talk about Eddie Murphy here for a second. Putting aside the fact that I think he’s an awesome casting choice for “Dreamgirls” (and speaking of which, Beyoncé is A., the same color as her gold lamé gown, and B., shinier than said gown, and they just did yet another tasteful cutaway from Eddie Murphy in midsentence so we could hear what “Mr.” Jay from ANTM and, um, some other bitch, have to say about celebrities, and let me tell you, if this is what passes for wit, then things have gotten far worse far faster than I’d ever thought possible), let’s talk about this movie where he plays a guy and the fat woman who’s, what, chasing him? It seems that at some point after he slid off our national radar, Eddie Murphy entered some pretty dark psychic territory, from which he has yet to emerge. Light a candle for him.
ACTUAL SHOW!
Jennifer Hudson wins! Good for her. Man, remember when “American Idol” started tomorrow night? Many of you will not be surprised to hear how excited our household is about this news. Okay Hudson, you better give a nod to Dr. King. And you totally didn’t. Fucking everybody needs to give props to Dr. King tonight, and let’s just keep a count of who does.
Okay, here’s Timberlake. Okay, world: I officially give up my vendetta against you. ‘Cause you seem to be legitimately funny (see “Box, Dick in a”). And I hear you’re the only good thing about that movie you’re in, and shit, that Prince line you just dropped was funny.
Also, Prince? “Happy Feet”? WTF?!?!? Also, the Super Bowl halftime show? What have you done, tiny grand admiral of the funk navy? Oh, wait: You’ve kept John “THIS IS OOOOOOOURRRRR JINGOISTIC COMMERCIAL!!!!!” Mellencamp off that stage. So, right. Good work on that.
MISS GOLDEN GLOBE LORRAINE NICHOLSON EVERYBODY!!!! LORRAINE NICHOLSON!!! How ’bout that. Lorraine Nicholson.
(cough.)
Man, I hope the guy who plays Hiro on “Heroes” gets whatever the fuck this award he’s up for is. And no. No he does not. Come the fuck on, like Jeremy Irons needs more awards. Irons coughs up Golden Globes and spits them into a special cuspidor he had smelted from his used Oscars. Dude, what the fuck is this shirt he’s wearing? This bejeweled, frilly-cuffed thing? Oh, please do cut to Brangelina looking dewey-eyed and kind of vacant.
God how I burn for you Tina Fey.
JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PATRICIA ARQUETTE?!??!?!?
Announcement: Our household hates Kyra Sedgwick. Naturally she wins. There’s Bacon, slapping her on the back. I’ve never watched the peesashit show she’s on, but I hear her “Southern” accent is particularly offensive to anyone who’s been within 300 miles of the Mason-Dixon Line.
And the award for best Escalade commercial goes tooooo … Andy “Dude, I Totally Had a Parasitic Twin When I Was Born. No, Seriously.” Garcia? Okay, right. Well. Good work on that, I guess.
I just love that Martin Scorcese. Every year his glasses get bigger and he gets tinier.
Whaaaa? What is this Eddie Izzard series? Jesus! I have GOT to get our Entertainment Weekly subscription back. Shame on me for letting it lapse.
The Donald has his squinty eye on That Bitch Zelwegger. Shoot a dart of pure onyx through her squinty, awful soul, The Donald. Shoot. DO IT! DO IT NOW!!! TAKE THE SHOT! TAKE THE FUCKING SHOT!!! Damn you.
Oh, she’s introduced one of the four surviving members of the Hollywood Foreign Press. They call Seacrest when they need a tiebreaker.
Jesus Christ, Jack fucking Nicholson, along with EVERY SINGLE HORRIBLE OLD MAN WHO CAN’T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE’S HORRIBLE AND OLD, needs to stop dying his fucking hair. I mean, for fuck sakes, you’ve got a good two-thirds of your hair left, so let’s go ahead and make it look like doll’s hair by dying it brown, thus accentuating its thinness! Great. Go ahead and dye your beard while you’re at it, you creepy fuck. Official Propers are hereby extended to Clint Eastwood for many things, among them his lack of hair dye. Good work, fella. Also, way to still be able to beat my ass at age 88.
While we’re at it, eat my ass, Patrick Dempsey. You’re not fit to sit in the same room with Michael C. Hall. Or Hugh Laurie. Or Bill Paxton, even. Kiefer Sutherland you can sit with. Though he’ll just quietly continue his gradual transformation into Mike Nelson from “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”
Hugh Laurie wins again! I’ve always liked him. And he’s really funny. As we established last year. And Warren Beatty is really awful. As we established decades ago.
Jesus, look how orange this woman talking to the Swank is! Christ! Oh, Swank. I can’t stay mad at you.
Wow. Brangelina looked every bit as unmoved by the words “And now, the STAR of ‘Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen!’” as I am. Maybe they *are* human.
The “Best Animated Feature” category seems totally fixed to me every time. Probably because either a Pixar or a “Shrek” movie has won *every single year the category has ever existed, ever.*
Tom Hanks still has his “Da Vinci Code” hair. This is troubling.
I like Joaquin Phoenix, but I’ll always like him better when he’s playing Johnny Cash. Which doesn’t bode well for his future work, in terms of Approval by Me. I’m sure that’s keeping him up nights.
I love Toni Collette, but dude, there’s something untoward happening with her hair this fine evening. At least it’s not covering something HORRIFYING AND SQUINTY like the stuff on Zelcrapper’s head is.
“Bleak House” is nominated for something. I have to root for it, because it’s a Public Television production. But wait! There’s that other detective thing that’s also from Public Television! What to root for? Fortunately “Elizabeth” wins, thus rendering any decision moot. They keep talking about director Tom Hooper, and I keep hearing Tobe Hooper, also known as the guy who directed the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and let me just tell you that would make one *fascinating* English costume drama.
Dude, Prince is totally there, and he’s totally sitting right behind Eddie Murphy! So apparently he either didn’t feel like picking up his award, didn’t feel like picking up his award from Timberlake, or was in line for the bathroom.
Eddie Murphy wins! He seems a little surprised. I’m glad, though. He’s done his time in the wilderness for “Party All the Time,” and mostly for “Wuzzupwitchu.”
Christ, can we just dump Sarah Jessica Extensions already? All together, as a society? We need to be rid of her, people. She’s been far too overrated for far too long, and I’m pretty sure she slept in those extensions.
Jesus, is Reese Witherspoon sitting next to Jack Nicholson? You just watch yourself, honey. He has the death sentence in twelve systems.
Cameron Diaz’s gown seems to be aiming for an understated kind of horrible. From the waist up, anyway. Down south it’s just run-of-the-mill horrific, which is probably pretty appropriate.
Okay, so did I miss the part when they decided that any film remotely associated with England gets the award tonight? At least he’s bashing political leadership, ham-fistedly, though I’m not entirely sure what the fuck he was talking about. Anyway.
Alec Baldwin just told us about his hernia surgery. I love that guy. There’s never been a better time to enjoy a glass of Alec Baldwin, neat.
James Woods continues to need to go, soon. And it’s been a while since he started needing to go. There was this one time I was at a party at Mikey Isley’s house, and this unbelievably stupid, annoying guy showed up that pretty much every single person present just avidly disliked, and so somehow everyone but that guy managed to spread the word like wildfire that we were all gonna pretend the party was breaking up until this guy left, and I can still picture the Mike’s living room, the lights turned out and fifteen people crouching or lying on the floor, and all of them giggling, because nobody could believe we’d actually A) decided to try a dumbass stunt like this, much less B) pulled it off. I remember peering out from between Isley’s curtains as the village dipshit’s car pulled away, and how elated and kind of drunk I was, and how everybody seemed to feel exactly the same, excited the party would go on, and go on much better than it had been. That’s how it would feel if James Woods left, people. We can make it happen. Just tell him everybody’s leaving Earth and going home. All six billion minus one of us. Together we can make a difference.
Ugly Betty wins! They’re drunk! Good for them.
Christ, just shut up and go away Jamie Foxxxxx. Christ. Just fucking enough, please. Go get a room with your fucking ego.
Djimon Honsou is presenting with Sharon Stone. Djimon, see warning previously issued to Reese Witherspoon.
We’ve discussed it in some depth, and we are now unanimous in our belief that Hugh Grant is pretty drunk. And that Drew Barrymore is just insufferable.
Some furrner wins the soundtrack award. The world turns.
The announcer sounded more excited to announce the stars of “The Ghost Whisperer” and “ER,” Jennifer Love Hewitt and JOHN STAMOS!!!!! than any human ever has, should, or might under the most extreme duress.
America Fererra wins! Good. “Ugly Betty”’s a fine little show. She seems so nice. And she’s kind of making me a little weepy with her speech! Apparently Annette Benning and I are on the same page. She’s also kinda drunk.
Okay, so I got up just as Warren Beatty started his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Getting His Ass Kissed Award, and I went outside and walked three miles to the shores of Lake Michigan and back, and on the way I stopped to lay a flower on the grave of Oscar Myer (in Rose Hill Cemetery, just across the street), and when I got back Warren Beatty was one-eighth of the way through his speech. William Henry Harrison’s presidency was shorter than this fucking speech. Baby elephants were conceived, grew to full term, and were birthed during it. Good fucking Christ. Just lay down and let them throw flowers on you.
Um, WHAT THE FUCKING CHRIST IS WITH THIS CGI ORVILLE REDENBACHER ZOMBIE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING THIS OR IS THERE A TUMOR IN THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT CONTROLS POPCORN-MAGNATE-ZOMBIE-RELATED HALLUCINATIONS?!?!?!?!? MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!
Okay, right. So. Sacha Baron Cohen wins, and nearly kills me with his acceptance speech. That 90 seconds was more concentrated entertainment than I’ve gotten out of the past two years. And they fucking hustle HIM off. Warren Beatty spends four minutes out of his SEVEN (not exaggerating — that fucking ramble of his took more than seven fucking minutes) blinking into thin air, and they hustle one of maybe eight legitimately funny people in the entire fucking auditorium off the stage after a minute and a half of seriously pants-wettingly funny acceptance speech. Eat my ass, Hollywood.
Jennifer Lopez needs to not present awards if reading their titles makes her so fucking skittery. I’d say she needs to divorce that horrific skullface monster she’s married to, but fuck, like I give a mint-chocolate rat turd who she’s married to. Shit. I need more fucking champagne, is what I need.
I guess I’m just assuming Philip Seymour Hoffman looks like that for a part, but part of me really hopes he isn’t. Like, really a lot. Man. Even he’s not immune to the Queenfest going on tonight, apparently.
Leonardo DiCaprio looks a little less bloated than usual. FUCK YEAH, FORREST WHITTAKER! Man, I have got to fucking see the movie he just won for. I hear he’s fucking great in it, thus, y’know. The award. Okay, I think he’s about to pass out. Oh, he’s about to cry. My bad. Naturally they’re clapping.
Okay, fucking nobody has mentioned Dr. King yet, and I’m getting kind of pissed about it. Seriously, you schedule your flaky-ass, essentially worthless award show on the day of recognition for one of our greatest Americans, the least you can do is, I dunno, mention him ONCE in the course of your THREE-HOUR TELECAST.
So, picking up once again on our previous discussion of middle-aged-man hair dying, Governor Schwarzenegger, I think it’s time you took the lead on this for your state, and let the gray hair happen. You’re like 58 fucking years old, dude. It’s okay. Go ahead. You’ve earned it. (NOTE: Ladies, gray hair looks good on everyone. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Did you SEE Helen Mirren? Looka preety nice, is all I’m saying.)
Why, during the “Babel” guy’s acceptance speech, after a line about the transcendent power of film, would you cut to a shot of fucking Teri Hatcher? Because so many people were moved by her work in “Spy Kids”? Of course, how foolish of me to forget.
… And, with a tired-ass line from the Governator, the evening is over. I hope you’re half as drunk as I am by this point in the evening, for if this is the case, then truly the magic of film is alive and well. Truly.
Topics: Existential Horror, Television | 22 Comments »
January 15th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
You are cracking me up, because I have thought like 10 of these things.
Also, why do we care about Sienna Miller and what is up with her Heidi braid??
AND what happened to Cameron Diaz? She is still in break up mode apparently, but RUN A BRUSH THROUGH YOUR HAIR, Cam! And maybe rehearse your lines before you walk on stage, you vapid whore.
January 15th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
I found your blog because of your post to Sarah Brown about some awards show. (The Oscars? Golden Globes?) Anyway, whenever you do this it cracks me up . . . especially if I’m watching.
January 15th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Just wanted to check: is Warren Beatty still talking?
January 15th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
They’ve gone on with the show; Hanks just propped him up in a corner while he continues to talk. Or make verbal sounds, anyway.
January 15th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
What, you think J-Lo needs to divorce Skeletor? No way! He’s keeping her foreva young with his magic warlock powers. Oooh! Would that make her Evil-Lo?
Never mind.
January 16th, 2007 at 2:13 am
this was fantastic. i couldn’t do my GG post, so i applaud the intense quality of yours. unfortunately, i am not drunk. i fake TiVo’d the show and powered through it since we are in Mountain Time. No Warren Beatty pain. I made a bagel while he yammered. oy.
January 16th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Did you know if you put a seashell up to your ear you will hear Warren Beatty talking?
January 16th, 2007 at 9:30 am
It’s people like you and ELB who make bad, pointless television wonderful. It’s like transforming the ordinary into magical. And not in the way those self-important shitbag celebrities want. You’re still just jerking each other off, people. And don’t forget that Botox appt. in the morning.
January 16th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Brian, Thank you for pointing out the horrors of that popcorn commercial. I was sick in bed last night and when I ever saw that commercial, for a moment, I thought I could be on the verge of a stroke. What is up with that? It totally reminded me of Halloween III for some reason.
January 16th, 2007 at 10:55 am
words cannot express how happy i am at the return of american idol. however, my enjoyment will be short-lived without elb’s posts to capture the magic.
January 16th, 2007 at 11:29 am
Apparently Prince was stuck in traffic. Right.
January 16th, 2007 at 11:42 am
I don’t think I can adequately express how pleased I am with this post. I couldn’t watch the show and was hoping so hard that either you or jenB would come through with the play-by-play. It’s an MLK Day miracle.
January 16th, 2007 at 11:54 am
I bring the crap to the people. To save the people from the crap. It’s paradoxically delicious.
January 16th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Just wanted to check: is Warren Beatty still talking?
January 16th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
I cannot begin to express on how many levels of “blows” Freedom Posers is.
January 17th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Seriously, Bryne, this should be your full time job.
And back of Kyra. The Closer rocks out loud.
January 17th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
I do not watch television because Brian Byrne watches it for me. Priceless. Better than last year’s.
And dude, when was this party at Misley’s?! I’m vaguely remembering it… was it the one where M. Martin’s brother showed up with a jug of milk? Didn’t he kill someone? Did I just slander? I don’t know.
January 17th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
[helpless, helpless laughter]
Thank you for taking one for the team … you watch the GGs so I don’t have to get an aneurysm watching them myself.
January 17th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
1. my household also hates kyra sedgwick; we blame it on the little teeth.
2. avoid lincoln park zoo if you want to avoid james woods (and who doesn’t want to avoid james woods?).
3. cgi orville continues to give me nightmares. i now can’t think of deliciously buttery movie-theater popcorn without thinking of corpses.
January 18th, 2007 at 12:10 am
Seriously, god, it was like in “Men in Black” where the giant cockroach is walking around in Vincent D’Onofrio’s skin. Fucking horrific.
The party, Sarah, which I kinda think you might’ve been at, was, um, I dunno. In winter? I think? Yes? Probably about late ‘96 or so, I wanna say. Possibly ‘97. It was that awful Art Guy, the one that Jon hates, the one who wore the beret all the time and painted the mural on the Fur Shop wall with the trees that were really NAKED LADEEZ! when you looked at them for a second. Man, was he a piece of work. And by “work,” I mean “shit.”
He brought a bottle of wine to said party, incidentally, and kept trying to woo the LADEEZ! there with it, right? But he only had the one bottle, so he was totally stingy with it — he’d give like, a shot’s worth of wine to whichever LADEEZ! he was trying to pitch woo to, because he had to make it last! It was nothing short of remarkable. Clearly, he had to go.
January 19th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Best. Recap. Ever. You hit everything on the head. Fantastic! Also? I’m going to try and pull “The Party’s Over” trick on my brother-in-law. Just because I think everyone would go along with it.
January 22nd, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Oh my god the goddamn Fur Shop.