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Dear American Idol,
By ELB | March 13, 2007
I have been stoked for Mahogany Night all week, but then once it started I remembered how much I can not stand Diana Ross. Seriously, Idol, I’m tired today and you are seriously underwhelming. Why do I keep expecting you to be better? I guess it’s because you’re really shiny and Paula’s always tanked and Seacrest is all “Executive Seacrest” (pocket model) this week. I blame Ms. Ross for the suck.
For real, I only have a few notes and I can barely put them into words.
* Haylie, did you go to the dress department and ask for the most unflattering model in the showroom? Did you see something with a flattering waistline and eschew it in favor of the whole ‘bandau across the hips with some blousing up top’ look? Then pooh-pooh whatever foundation garments they offered? Because you succeded. Nice mole though!
* Curly Christ, we have officially broken up. When I see you sing I know you are earnestly singing ‘Endleth Love’ to your wife and it bores the shit out of me. You and that bald dude as just alike, with your earnest singing and doting wives. I bet you have bumper stickers on your sensible sedans that read “I LOVE MY WIFE!” You’ll be pleased to know that the bumper sticker on my sensible sedan reads: “Every time we do this sucka MCs wanna battle.
I’m the man they love to hate the J.R. Ewing of Seattle.”
* Sanjaya means love. It also means Caruso Molecular Hair Setters Salon.
Wait, let’s get serious here for a second. Did the exchage between Simon and Executive Seacrest re: high heels and coming out of the closet actually happen? That’s what I thought. Fuck, Idol, maybe I do love you. I guess I’ll give you another chance. Perhaps next week you can finally give me the Gilbert and Sullivan night I’ve been dreaming of.
God, somebody turn that damn Diana Ross off.
elb
Topics: 'Murkin Idol, Television | 12 Comments »
March 13th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
I was just wondering, Paula, since when is “Love Child” a feel-good song?!
March 14th, 2007 at 6:02 am
Shirley Q. Liquor makes my tingle. Love her!
March 14th, 2007 at 8:54 am
That exchange about the closet DID happen. It was strange how long they lingered on it afterward before picking back up with the (LIVE!) show.
You’d said Haley’s dress was godawful, but the wife and I thought that Steph’s was worse. Like, the pattern could produce epileptic responses.
Alas, I told Michelle not to feel TOO badly . . . they can’t get rid of Sanjaya AND Haley in the same week. Who did VFTW support this time?
March 14th, 2007 at 10:15 am
I disagree about Stephanie’s dress. It was bad, but Hayley’s was much worse. She is definitely going for the McPhee vibe.
And the Fro Patrol? No.
March 14th, 2007 at 10:35 am
The color of Stephanie’s dress was definitely worse, but Haley’s was far more unflattering. She’s a young girl, her boobs aren’t supposed to look that saggy.
March 14th, 2007 at 11:06 am
And, Diana, it is “enunciate,” not “pronunciate.”
March 15th, 2007 at 8:51 am
I really don’t know that I can stomach Sanjaya for another week. Why do I let this show sucker-punch me every season? I know it’s coming, and yet I leave myself completely unprotected.
March 15th, 2007 at 10:22 am
Fucking Sanjaya, seriously! Christ! As much as Brandon “Dullsville” Rogers blew, he held not a candle to the 90-second coma that was Sanjaya’s perm-formance. Somebody euthanize that kid.
March 15th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
simon cowell said he’d quit idol if sanjaya wins. as will i. simon’s the only one on that show who speaks the truth. i don’t think there’s any real chance of sanjaya winning unless vftw somehow outnumbers the serious voters.
that said, sanjaya = love.
don’t hate on love.
March 15th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
delurking to say : hooray you’re back! and: have you seen mo rocca’s idol writings?
http://newsbloggers.aol.com/bloggers/mo-rocca/
March 16th, 2007 at 10:46 am
It’s Simon’s fault Sanjaya was even let in the top 24. Obviously they let him in figuring he’d be eye candy for some teenyboppers and cannon fodder for the first few weeks. WRONG. There were several better singer (way better, ie: Marisa, Tommy, etc) that should have been in the top 24 before Sanjaya or Antonella. So now that they turned it over to “america” they are stuck with whoever gets the most votes.
March 16th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Dude, Jessica, don’t show me Mo Rocca’s far superior writing. It’s like coming home from home ec class, clutching the apron I made, only to be told, “Hey, this Christian Dior guy makes clothes too.”