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Dear American Idol,
By ELB | March 20, 2007
Let me warn you, Idol, I have a sore throat and I am in no mood to be trifled with. Yes, yes, I know you’ve got a piping hot serving of Lulu on the menu tonight, garnished with a side of Noone and his laser eyes, but this is like the 10th sore throat, snotty cold thing I’ve had since moving to the City of the Big Shoulders and I am not at all pleased. It was made even worse today because I dressed all cute and shit. There’s nothing worse than knowing what a fox you are, yet wanting to sob because your sinuses feel like they’re full of kittens.
Well, ok, I’m a little pleased because my beloved Briantologist sent this to me today and it made my day. I love Simon Cowell’s commitment to being an asshole. Like, 15 times a day I have to remind myself not to say all the mean stuff that comes into my head. Simon is my own personal idol.
Oh, Jesus, Haylie’s formal shorts are getting the evening off to a terrible start. God, but I love Seacrest’s lavender tie! Keep reaching for that rainbow, Ryan!
Ok, this is it Idol, I’m officially backing my candidate. I’m pulling for Beatbox Beta. I wish he was cuter, but I like what he does. I do not like TimberFake one iota. You keep trying to convince me that he’s some boy band-ish dreamboat, but all I see is chav.
I don’t know! Perhaps it is the elephant-flattening cold medicine cocktail speaking, but Idol, you’re pretty good this week. Now, I haven’t heard Baldy McTrilby yet, he’s sure to foul things up. Oh, yep, there he goes. “Tobacco Road”? Dude, for real, I know Uncle Sam cries when I say bad things about Phil Stacey, but he is perhaps the least qualified person on Earth to sing that song. At least he didn’t do the thing where at the end of the song they sort of shout the title. Gina G. just did it! “Paint It Black!” I’m going to start doing that with every song I sing. “MacArthur Park!”
Idol, I feel terrible and you go and bring out Hula Fruit to sing a Kinks song. Oh, now he’s squatting! Idol, I gotta go remove my tonsils with an X-Acto knife. Surely it can’t be worse than watching this plain girl dribble tears of teen love all over her “Sanjaya RULZ!” t-shirt. Honey, you might be his prom date someday, but don’t count on getting lucky. Oh, man, now Seacrest just brought her onstage and I’m all touched and shit. Fuck you, Idol! My heartstrings are not available for plucking!
I wish Lulu was my life coach.
elb
Ohmygod! Seacrest just inadvertently made the jack off motion! Ok, Idol, you’re off the hook.
Topics: 'Murkin Idol, Television | 15 Comments »
March 20th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
All I can about Idol at the moment is that the new baby girl cries every Tuesday beginning at 7 p.m. and stops at exactly 8:58. Every week since the friggin’ show came on again. Of course she cries a lot at night (she likes the day time for some reason), but I’m convinced Tuesday’s are different.
March 21st, 2007 at 6:28 am
This is the first time I’ve watched this season and I was very entertained. Are all the contestants enormous or is Seacrest just a tiny, tiny man? I could not get over that little girl crying over Hula Fruits – she is going to be relentlessly teased at school over that. And the producers were brilliant by showing her scrunched up face every five seconds during his song. Also loved the Seacrest jack-off at the end. You just know the judges were dying over that one. Melinda Doolittle was great although she sang a show tune – I thought she was supposed to sing a ’60s pop song? Also, her lack of neck was a little disconcerting.
March 21st, 2007 at 8:00 am
Mindy Doo has no neck and her new haircut kinda shows that off. And yes, Seacrest is teensy. It’s not just that he’s short, but he’s also delicate. And next to him, Curly looks like a yeti.
March 21st, 2007 at 8:18 am
Kittens in your sinuses sounds all cute, but really, those little freaks have sharp claws. I hope they shrivel up and die off soon.
March 21st, 2007 at 11:26 am
Lulu is so awesome. The Nooner wasn’t bad either (I was expecting a totally dull show).
Hula Fruits’ perfomance caused me to look away, then look back against my will. It was truly horrifying especially with the little girl and her tears.
Beatbox, for real? I just can’t get behind that.
March 21st, 2007 at 12:25 pm
oh elb, I don’t even fucking watch Idol but I’m just so glad to have your attitude back back. I miss you, my bitchy little minx.
March 21st, 2007 at 1:23 pm
I like Beatbox’s style. I am not afraid to say that soulful black lady singing bores the shit out of me. Not that the ladies don’t have talent, they certainly do, but I am sick of that shit. Beatbox does something different and he does it well. I admire that.
I couldn’t watch Hula either. God, that teaser before the commercial when his tongue was all out really upset me.
March 21st, 2007 at 2:03 pm
While watching Mindy Doo’s performance, which is so much better than every other contestant that they should just declare her the idol and see who gets second place, Kristen remarked that her face looks like “a sack of potatoes”.
Just thought you’d like to know.
March 21st, 2007 at 2:51 pm
I agree that the soulful “divas” are extremely dull. I just can’t seem to find anyone to support this year, but of course I still have to watch.
March 21st, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Greg, Kristen is right. I don’t want Mindy to win because she’s boring. And doesn’t have a neck. American needs an Idol with a neck.
March 21st, 2007 at 5:01 pm
I kept just wanting to yank on her head to make her neck longer.
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:03 am
I only caught the last few performances, and I have to say that Gina stomped all over “Paint it Black.” Not in a stomping-new-life-into-the-song kind of way, either. Simon seemed dead-on with his assessments. I really don’t know WHO to root for anymore, but I wish they’d ejected TimberFake.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Yeah, if she made it her own, I’m not eager to see what she does to other things she takes ownership of. (Does she buy newspapers just so she can shred them?)
Timberfake so, so, so, soooooo should’ve gone home. Truly there is no justice in this blasted hellscape that is Idol.
March 23rd, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Lulu was the smallest shiniest person I ever saw.
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Even smaller and shinier than Seacrest.