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Dear American Idol,
By ELB | March 8, 2007
Fuck yeah, bitches! You thought you could escape my biting wit and black tar rage this year, but you were wrong, Idol, so wrong. I’m back and since I’m concentrating all my power on you, you’d better watch out because you’ve pissed me off already.
See, today my boss sent me to a grammar and proofreading workshop at the Ramada Plaza out by O’Hare and it was kind of a beating. There was a good two hours of public transportation followed by a day of perfecting my grammar and proofreading skills, interspersed with frequent sales pitches encouraging me to take the Evelyn Wood speed reading course for a mere $189.
Idol, you’ll be happy to know that I only misspelled one of the frequently misspelled words (fluorescent) and I now have a pretty OK grasp on how to use semicolons and avoid the passive voice. However, you should never count on my to demonstrate these skills here. I save the good shit for work.
Since we met our 12 finalists tonight let’s start with a run-down outlining my personal feelings about each and every contestant. GO!
The Human Beatbox: The not so recent death of the original Human Beatbox created a vacuum, so this dinky white dude decided he’d step up to the mic. At this point in the competition I’ve got nothing against Beatbox Beta, in fact, he’s kinda one of my favorites; even though I have to trick myself into thinking he’s cuter.
Gina G A.K.A. Napervegas: Those of you out there who are fags, hags, or really into Eurovision are no stranger to the name Gina G. The truth is the American Idol version of Gina G, while cute, would not be able to get me to run out of the ladies room at Angles (real ladies only), grappling with my pantyhose and dribbling pee so that I could get out to the dance floor and whip it to her funky dance tunes. In fact, I really have to force myself to like her in spite of the Evanescence factor.
Soulless Black Man (SBM): Ok, he’s probably not a changeling or anything, but he is definitely flavorless. I can’t remember a single song of his.
TimberFake: Uh, remember when this dude dedicated a song about easy pink to his Grandma? Is America ready for an Idol who equates grandmas and sloppy oral? Answer: No.
(If I could link a blank space I would): I could not identify this girl if she was sitting on my lap talking about oral sex and grandmas.
Ugly Idol: I keep wanting this girl to be America Fererra. You can tell she’s a sweetie. The type of girl who gets all shocked when you drop an F-bomb. So then you keep slamming Cisco and telling her all the stories about the summer you spent in Germany and how Frank kissed funny but you would suck face with him like, jeden tag because it made his roommate Michele sooooo maaaad. Then Ugly Idol would be scandalized and you don’t want to steal her light so you don’t even mention the time you spent on the side of the mountain with that Turkish guy.
Curly Christ: I was all about this dude until I found out that he liked to “keep his music Christ-centric.” What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I should have known something was up when he sang that shitty Seal song for his audition. Oh, you know who else sang that song? Beatbox Beta. God, I want to like these guys, but they are dead set on sabotage, and not the good kind.
LaKisha!: I have absolutely nothing bad to say about ‘Kisha. Not one thing. She sounds great, she dresses great, her hair is very shiny (must be the Dark & Lovely). For real, she’d have to shittalk my baby for me to not like her. That said, I didn’t vote for her. She’s fine without me.
Mindy Doo: I don’t know what it is exactly that makes this girl look like a Muppet. Is it the lack of neck? Is it her podgy build? I can’t put my finger on it, but every week I’m looking for the wires that operate her arms.
Baldy McTrilby: Oh, man, this guy sucks on so many different levels. I wish I could map them out for you in a Tetris-like diagram, a stratum of suck if you will, but I can’t really put the suck into words. Is the the earnest way he sings to his (also Muppet-ish) wife? Is it that when asked to reveal something America might not know about him, the only thing he could come up with was that he hasn’t always been bald? Help me, Idol. Make me understand.
The Other Black Girl That’s Not ‘Kisha or the Muppet (TOBGTNKotM): Maybe we should just call her Toboggan.
Hula Fruits: God, I wish I could take credit for the idea of Sanjaya’s hair being the unofficial 13th contestant, but I can not. Hell, I can’t even take credit for saying that what America doesn’t know about him is that he loves balls in his face. That one belongs to Dame Judy back in Tulsa. The best I can do is encourage him to shave his crustache.
God, Idol, now I’m totally worn out and my thighs are on fire from holding my misleadingly named ‘laptop.’
POW!,
elb
Topics: 'Murkin Idol, Television | 13 Comments »
March 9th, 2007 at 2:12 am
YESSS! I was so bummed to think you wouldn’t be passing out the pain to the Idol Top 12 this year. Now you are, and things are good.
March 9th, 2007 at 4:59 am
Sweet!!!!! I’m so excited you’re doing Idol again this year.
I’m totally loving Timberfake although my husband is so disgusted by him. HulaFruits could be sashaying (spelled wrong I’m sure) his way into the top 6. He should do well with Diana Ross next week since she loves MJ so much.
Auntie Gigi was forced into the “rocker” box by the judges but she’s acting like that’s really what she wanted to be all along. I can’t stand her.
Lakisha! is boring.
I think the Muppet might take it all with a little competition from Curly Christ.
March 9th, 2007 at 9:09 am
“keep his music Christ-centric.â€
what do you say to that, really?
And the hair?
And the soul patch?
This boy has no soul. He is the essence of evil in disguise and will bring the end of the world down upon us.
Or he will just really suck.
March 9th, 2007 at 9:34 am
It’s ON! Looks like VTFW got it wrong with Sundance and Intoiletta. But at least one godawful choice got in for each gender (Lamejaya and Blank-Space Haley).
I was so with you on the love for Beatbox and Sligh (sounds like a Fox buddy comedy), until Sligh became Curly Christ and Beatbox busted out the reggae AND 311. Not even another Keane song will erase THAT horror.
Oh, Beret, your husband’s right. TimberFake is a huge DOUCHE.
March 9th, 2007 at 9:41 am
TimberFake is the kind of guy who offers girls backrubs.
March 9th, 2007 at 10:43 am
thank curly christ you’re back.
i officially have no interest in the guys, but i continue to root for sanjaya. i told scott he just needs to come out of his shell, to which he replied that he not only came out of his shell but his cold lifeless body was lying in the sand. or something.
anyway.
i still can’t understand how sabrina got the boot over haley. that girl is a christian recording artist waiting to happen. i love lakisha and melinda. i hope they both win marking the first american double idol.
that is all.
March 9th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
I don’t know you, but I love you. I too, tried to avoid blogging about American Idol only to be so incensed by the… well… Idolness of it all that I had to post about it last night and I swear it’s like you were there. The similarities are astounding and though I didn’t write it, I too believe that Sanjaya would love nothing more than a hairy ballsack in the face. Is that wrong?
March 9th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
No, it’s not wrong at all. As for Sanjaya, I just hope he finds a biggo queen to take him out and show him how to work it. I mean, really, a 17-year-old dusky boy who can sing and hula? I’m surprised there’s not a bidding war for him.
March 9th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
I just wanted to say I took the exact same seminar in January.
I misspelled liaison. Stupid extra i.
But I won the raffle at the end . . . another free seminar!
March 9th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I spelled liaison correctly and I did not win the seminar. But some of us were late back from lunch because the waitresses had never run credit cards before. Sadly, we missed some of the bingo numbers and I thought this one chick was going to throw down.
March 9th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
elb! My joy factor runneth over because of a post from you! I love Brian .. but AI needs YOU! So happy!
March 10th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
I love Amazing Former Backup Singer Girl Without Neck, but I can’t look at her without thinking Shrek.
March 12th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
ELB,
I totally went to high school with Melinda DoLittle. She had no neck then either.
Good time.