byrneunit

I rarely know what you’re talking about.

Dear American Idol,

Again this week, I will be writing you, Idol, as ELB has been struck by a protracted case of The Vapors; I believe she contracted it from Gus.
Tonight, it appears Seacrest is supporting the hungry by donating his shaving supplies to the Red Cross. Somewhere in Malawi, someone’s face is baby-soft.
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, [...]

Great moments in schadenfreude

People, I often feel pangs of remorse for delighting in the miseries of those I have not met. I am frequently guilty of developing entirely meritless vendettas against people I see for a split-second, based on less than nothing. Wearing a hat I don’t like? You’re probably an embezzler. Talking slightly louder than normal? Definitely [...]

The movie where that guy from Creed played a werewolf

Woah, am I the only one who didn’t realize that Underworld: Evolution (UW:E) was totally Tastee Freeze Soft Serve Porn? I’m really not surprised by many of the motiffs in UW:E; blood on the sacred seal counjuring the darkest evil from the bowels of the earth, super healing powers, a dude named Lucian. But I [...]

Just another brick in the wall

The 1981 Nowata High School yearbook had a Pink Floyd theme. When I did this before all of the photos were personally given to my mother. That’s why the quality is a little better and there are personal notes about how great my Mom is and how they’ll never forget her. This time I had [...]

the ole redeye

Right, so we’re celebrities now, having been mentioned in the local press. The story is about how blogs are dead or dying, which, having participated in one for a number of years, I could’ve told you long ago. At any rate, there’s that.
Also, RedEye readers, welcome. Wasn’t that story yesterday about the exploding bidets awesome? [...]

Dear American Idol,

… I will be discussing you tonight in lieu of my betrothed, who had a prior committment in the finished basement of our charming north-town two-flat.
So this week is country week, and there’s nothing more country than a horrifying shooting spree. (In Virginia, no less, which is known to be part of the country.) Paaaaaartaaaaaay. [...]

A modest proposal

Oh, man, where to begin! Last week HGB was sick, then I got sick. But that’s ok, because then I got better. My Dad and his crazy Russian girlfriend were in town. For two days I watched him follow HGB around, trying to put a sweater on him ’cause Dad was cold. Then when he [...]

Dear American Idol,

JLo night! JLo night! JLo night!
Ok, we haven’t even started and I’ve already seen the doughy mug of Mickey Dolenz nestled in the audience like a tick. Seriously, if anyone told me that Mickey was their favorite Monkee, I’d have to reconsider our friendship. It is a truth universally recognized that the Monkees Hott [...]

Dear American Idol,

HGB puked all in the bed this morning, I’ve had a sore throat for nigh on two weeks, the car is making a loose, rattle-y, piece-of-metal-dragging-on-the-ground sound. The crushing pain of modern life has amped up the vice grips today and I’m not sure I have the patience for you this evening.
I’m sure there [...]