« A modest proposal | Home | the ole redeye »
Dear American Idol,
By briantologist | April 17, 2007
… I will be discussing you tonight in lieu of my betrothed, who had a prior committment in the finished basement of our charming north-town two-flat.
So this week is country week, and there’s nothing more country than a horrifying shooting spree. (In Virginia, no less, which is known to be part of the country.) Paaaaaartaaaaaay. I like how after Seacrest does the solemn shout-out to the families of the 32 dead kids, he really takes the pepper off of “THIS … is ‘American Idol’.” It’s much more of an introspective phrase tonight, like maybe this moment of abject national horror is making him rethink whether this truly is “American Idol.” I also love how Seacrest is almost visibly biting his lip because he knows he can’t rag on Cowell during the introduction so soon after mentioning the shootings. Next time, ‘crest. Next time.
Paula, meanwhile, has donned the traditional Gold Lamae Blazer of Mourning, which I believe is on loan from the Bowser wing of the Sha Na Na* permanent collection.
So! Let’s get to it! Fucken Martina McBride, whatever whatever. My favorite thing about the guest mentor segments so far is how, week after week, we get to watch them redline their frontal lobes trying to think of something nice to say about Sanjaya. But we’ll get to that.
WHY IS PHIL STACY STILL HERE FOR FUCK SAKES? Singing a Keith Urban song. Wouldn’t Keith Rural be more appropriateBWAAAAAGGGHHH!!!! See, now that’s funny. Phil’s like The Shaggs, but with less raw energy and talent. I’d go on more about despising Phil, but there’s Timberfake yet.
But first, the exceptionally-good-this-evening Jordin Sparxxx, who appears to be wearing a Hindi prom dress. (Note to the entire world: GET OVER THE FUCKING EMPIRE WAIST, LIKE THREE YEARS AGO. PLEASE. Shit. “Now we can ALL look like we’re wearing maternity clothes!”) I know we’ve covered this before, but either Miss J. is a truly formidable 17-year-old, or Seacrest is far more wee than anyone had thought possible. Seriously, he’s like a 2:3 scale model of a human next to her. She could break him. But she’s too friendly.
Okay, “Sunnyside of the Street” by the Pogues was just in a Cadillac commercial and a hole popped open on the side of my heart, and I am bleeding to death internally now. Christ.
So. Sanjaya. Well. Um. What’s left, really? The hair’s already been done; this Butterfly McQueen thing he’s got going this week is tres forgettable. There’s the bit where he made the whole joke all on his own except for when Seacrest helped him! About how he’d have Simon sing “Shining Happy People”! Ha ha ha! Ha! A whole joke thing! With the song name wrong and everything! That wag! Why, he’s positively Dorothy Parker in a doo-rag!
Also he’s singing “Let’s Give ‘em Something to Talk About,” which A) hey, boring! and B) is sung this evening to A. Man, Sanjayatown, U.S.A. See how he goes up to the backup singers and gets all quote-”sexy”-unquote (gggghhhh) next to them, and see how the looks on their faces unequivocally say “why hello, utterly sexless boy! I remember you from show choir!” “My goal tonight is to do Bonnie Raitt justice,” he says. Bonnie Raitt would fold Sanjaya up and stuff him in a mandolin case.
Paula: “You’re a lovable guy, Sanjaya. You are.” Ouch. ‘Nuff said.
So, yes, LaKisha, you know I’m voting for you, like, every single week. But “Jesus Take the Wheel,” personally resonant though it may be, just, dude, c’mon. Sing “Jolene.” Please. Just do it.
Incidentally, listening to the lyrics to JTTW, I’m struck by something a little troubling: Rather than throwing her hands up in the air and asking Jesus to take the wheel, I would strongly recommend that the song’s protagonist keep her hands on the wheel and steer into the direction of the skid. I think this lyric reveals quite a bit about the problems we’re developing as a people.
Timberfake needs to get fed into the rock crusher from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.” Slowly. Miked. “Nasal is a form of singing, didn’t know if you knew that”? Driving into oncoming traffic is a way of driving. Didn’t know if you knew that. Shit is something you can eat. Also, nice desperation shout-out to Virginia Tech. Probably oughta throw the troops and 9/11 in there a couple of times for good measure.
Oh, Mindy Doo. What the hell have you got on? Regardless, excellent work yet again. “A little bit sassy” indeed.
Blake is having some problems tonight. He’ll pull through. Good work on the not beat-boxing. I think this is like three or four straight weeks without it. One day at a time, Blake. Stay on the wagon. You can do this. I believe in you.
And that’s what we’ve got for tonight. Where does the time go?
a little ragin’,
-b.
* — ANSWER: When Sha Na Na has a MySpace page. QUESTION: When are we gonna go ahead and declare MySpace officially dead?
Topics: 'Murkin Idol, Television | 5 Comments »
April 18th, 2007 at 7:14 am
Brian, that was beautiful; you had me at The Gold Lamae Blazer of Mourning. I absolutely love your and Em’s Idol recaps, and I don’t even watch that show.
April 18th, 2007 at 9:10 am
Holy crap, how many people are out there letting Jesus take the wheel? Scary.
April 18th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Oh my Lord, you and ELB are FAMOUS!!! I got excited beyond all reason when I opened my RedEye on the El today. Good work, Byrnes! I liked how you two were eyeing each other in the (huge!) photo, too.
April 18th, 2007 at 11:34 am
From the driving behavior I’ve witnessed, I’m thinking an alarming number of people are letting go, letting God, and letting their insurance companies pick up the tab. Heaven help us indeed.
April 18th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Do you think these same people would allow Earnhardt to take the wheel if Jesus was unavailable?