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I have eaten so many clementines today!
By ELB | December 13, 2007
I bought a li’l mini-crate of these zesty treasures and I can not keep my fingers out of them. I’m starting to develop a rough, burny sensation all around the inside of my mouth. I think that feeling makes me want to eat more. Like, they cause the pain, but the only way to soothe it is to eat more. I can’t help but think that the eating so many fruity wonders will somehow damage my delicate inside-of-the-cheek-skin.
Does anybody but me have bizarre memories of childhood, often memories of something completely fucked up and impossible, and you can’t tell if it really happened or not? Ok, here’s an example. I have a very vivid memory of helping my father to use a post hole digger, when suddenly a gigantic hunk of splintery post hole digger handle stabs me in the part of my hand between the thumb and forefinger.
Now, I know that this did not happen. I have no scar on my hand, my father has never once said, “Hey, remember that time that giant hunk of post hole digger handle broke off in your hand?” And I’d be all, “Of course I remember that. We totally had to go to the ER in Bartlesville.”
Since that conversation never took place, the Incident of the Hunk of Wood in the Hand has been proven to be bogus. Now, back to the clementines!
I have a similar recollection wherein the tender inside of my mouth was liberally dotted with canker sores, and my family is sitting around me greedily feasting on ripe, perfect oranges. I love oranges, they come in second on my Favorite Fruits list. Now, this dubious memory could be true, as I am prone toward aphthous ulcers. But why on Earth would me family surround me and gleefully eat oranges, knowing full well that I could not join in, as the citrusy acids would aggravate my condition.
The point of this is: Can we really trust our memories? Signs point to no. As of 4:00 p.m. today, I have an image of Tom Selleck in very sweaty, tight shorts that could not possibly have actually happened. This indelible picture is the consequence of watching Magnum, p.i.. But these shorts were far too sweaty and tight to have been featured on a prime time television program! Perhaps things were just different back then, simpler. A world where a hairy guy with a kickin’ mustache can wear shortie shorts and live in a mansion with a fussy Englishman.
Topics: General Irritants, Reflections From the Bottom Rung, Thinkin'. | 15 Comments »
December 13th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
No, none of it could possibly have happened.
December 13th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
And what did Lisa Welchel do to get on your blogroll?
December 13th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
I have to say, I’m wondering about the Lisa Welchel thing too. Just a huge Facts of Life fan?
December 13th, 2007 at 9:35 pm
You have some confabulation going on:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confabulation
December 13th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
My only regret with Clementines is that I always forget to buy as many tiny crates as my car can hold.
Am I the only one that finds himself compelled to try and remove the peel in one piece? I am? Dammit.
December 13th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
re: vivid memories that could not possibly have happened–
1. i’m 4 and sitting in the back of a pickup truck on july 4th with a sparkler watching the fireworks. suddenly a giant cinder from the sky falls on my hand and burns me.
2. i’m a baby in my crib. the hamburgler peeks into my room and then runs away.
for real! these have kept me up at night.
December 14th, 2007 at 6:39 am
I’ve been eating multiple clementines per day (6, 7, 8–whatever). Like jwer, I also try to peel them in one piece. I also have a psychotic childhood memory of a clown’s head covering the sky and mocking me. Now that could not have happened.
December 14th, 2007 at 10:40 am
It’s OBVIOUS what Lisa Welchel did to get on the blogroll. Just look around!
Anyway, I always thought it was some sort of innate human behavior to try to get clementine peels off in one piece. And that we’ll all eat them till our mouths are one giant sore. and then keep going.
I myself live from day to day sorting out dream vs. reality. I have very vivid dreams and it always takes awhile for everything to make sense. There are still a few I’m not quite sure about…..
December 14th, 2007 at 10:54 am
You have that post hole digger memory because it actually happened–just not to you. You and I were screwing around with the post hole digger while our dads were doing something I don’t remember with it at Grandma’s. The digger was already broken and had this deadly sharp top, but our family being our family, they would not invest in a new one. So anyway, we’re screwing around with it and I get a mitt full of splinters at the base of my thumb. If we ever get power back, I will send you a picture of the scar (I’m at Daniel’s work right now).
December 14th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Woah, MizH, I don’t remember that at all. The memory I have is Dad and I at the house in Nowata.
Maybe I just appropriated your injury and made it my own.
As for Lisa Welchel, have you read that shit? Get there right now and you will know exactly why I linked her.
December 14th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
seriously what is your #1 fruit on your list?
i can’t believe no one has asked you yet.
December 14th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
The thing with the clementines. I do that with Capt’n Crunch. No matter how much it destroys the roof of my mouth, I will not stop until the box is empty. The only thing that stops the bleeding is the yellow sugary paste left at the bottom after 14 consecutive bowls.
December 14th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Nectarines hold the #1 spot on my Favorite Fruits list. I like them when they’re just barely ripe, and still crisp. No mushies.
December 15th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Though I haven’t seen you in a couple of months, you have been in my heart since our last embrace. Not so much because I love you, which I do, but because of the wonderful world of Yacht Rock that you introduced me to. I have watched all 10 episodes no fewer than 20 times and introduced countless friends to it as well. In fact, another friend of mine, Rob, and I wore Yacht Rock inspired costumes this Halloween.
As you well know, I am a children’s librarian during the day, but by night am a rock & roll promoter. It was in this latter capacity that I held and promoted a Yacht Rock party in Tulsa, which was quite successful. For this event, I added a few tracks to the official YR song list; Carribean Queen by Billy Ocean, a few tracks by Rick Astley, later Stevie Wonder, some Kool & The Gang, Lionel Richie, Bee Gees, Steve Winwood, Player, Hues Corporation, Matthew Wilder, you get the idea.
So, that in mind, I don’t know if you are aware of this, but a new Yacht Rock episode is scheduled for release Dec 27th. Check it out at the link below. I don’t know if html is allowed in the comments or not, so I didn’t use any of that hippy crap here.
–Love, Backen–
(Double Super Yacht Rock)
December 17th, 2007 at 10:47 am
I think I may know where your memory of Magnum in short shorts may come from.
Once upon a time in high school I was cleaning out an old storage room and came across a promotional poster which featured none other than one Tom Selleck, circa Magnum P.I. playing beach volleyball with the current US team. Sweaty, shirtless, bunched up shorts. It’s been burned in my mind since then.
It did happen. This could possibly not be where you’re getting the image from, but I’ve seen it.