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the groynd
By briantologist | December 12, 2007
It’s strange to suddenly be headed downtown again every morning after two and a half months of either unemployment or working in the suburbs. It’s nice, though, and it reminds me how ill-prepared I was to return to the suburbs every day, where you really don’t have the option of not driving (or at least it’s nowhere near as feasible). Spending an hour and a half stuck in traffic every day was something I’d planned on leaving behind when we moved here, and I’m happy to leave it behind again.
I suppose it’s just basic civics, but it took me a while to realize why it takes so much longer to drive a mile and a half here — versus, for example, a mile and a half in Tulsa. It’s all about population density: If area A has 1,200 people inhabiting a square mile, and area B has 600 per square mile, it might take roughly half as long to traverse that square mile in area B, since it has half as many people out and about and gumming things up. Again, maybe this is first-year material from the Obvious Studies program at your local junior college, but I find it kind of fascinating.
Crammed into a car on the Brown Line yesterday, mere inches from my fellow commuters, I remembered how necessary it becomes in a crowded city to be almost hyper-aware of the people around you while simultaneously pretending they don’t exist. I think the former prompts us to be more considerate, and yet it can’t quite coexist with the latter. What I often end up with is a constant push-pull dynamic at work, seesawing between wanting to punch the guy talking on his cell phone and offer my seat to the 80-year-old couple next to him.
Speaking of seat-offering, I’ve also been re-confronted with a troubling dilemma. Naturally we’re all agreed on the fact that it’s only proper to offer pregnant women your seat on a bus or train, assuming you yourself are able to stand, or at least vacate your seat, unassisted. Even if said expectant mother does not accept, offering is clearly the only proper thing to do.
So then, the problem: Mistakenly thinking a woman is pregnant, and saying as much, is a super-duper unbelievably big faux pas, up there with public defecation and diddlin’ the livestock. Having spent a good nine months in the company of a pregnant person, I consider myself reasonably well-versed on what pregnant human persons look like, and how to tell if someone’s pregnant or just fat. Naturally this is not enough to overcome a potent combination of horror at the prospect of misidentifying a stranger out loud as pregnant, and general reluctance to stand on the train for 45 minutes, not to mention a general shyness about speaking first to strangers.
The result of this is that I tend to take David Sedaris’s advice to not even consider asking a woman if she’s expecting (or would like my seat because she’s expecting) unless the baby is actually, currently in the process of crowning. More specifically, I end up not offering my seat unless it’s crystal clear that there’s absolutely no way the allegedly pregnant woman is in anything less than the last fifteen or so minutes of pregnancy. I then end up feeling like a jerk for not trusting a hunch that I’m usually 95 to 98 percent sure of, taking the risk, and offering my seat anyway. But seriously, what the hell are you gonna do? I should note that the heavy winter coats in play right now do absolutely nothing to clear things up.
So, yes. Suggestions welcome.
Topics: Baffled Mutterings, Chicago, Thinkin'. | 13 Comments »
December 12th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
As someone who could still be mistaken for pregnant due to the evil combo of having once been pregnant and the impossibility of buying pants that are not all low-waisted and stupid, I think every pregnant woman should be required to wear a special hat. Or at least carry a sign.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
it’s a nice offer but i think pregnant women these days are fairly strong, right? And can stand? Maybe just offering your seat to any woman pregnant or without bun in oven is the thing to do. Therefore your probability of it actually being a woman is at least like 99.99999%. Right?
:)
http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/12/12/pregnancy.balance.ap/index.html
December 12th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Last week was my first “mistaken for pregnant” episode of the summer. It happended twice last summer, too.
Here’s the thing – I am not particularly fat. It seems to be more about the floaty summer fashions than anything else.
Of the three times I have been offered a seat for being allegedly pregnant, only once has the person actually said anything about it. Coincidentally, that was the only time I have felt embarrassed or uncumfortable about it.
Also, all three good samaritans were women around the same age as me. This is how I know what they were thinking – there’s simply no other reason a young woman would offer her seat to another young woman in perfect health.
But because you’re a man it’s possible that you might offer your seat to a woman out of deference to her crippling footwear or enormous hand bag; or simply because you’re chivalrous.
I wouldn’t worry about it. Just offer the seat and say nothing about the belly. The worst that can happen is she’ll decline the offer and go easier on the caramel macchiatos for the rest of the week.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
I saw just offer her your seat anyway, no mention of possible pregnancy and/or fatness. Either way it’s good karma.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I agree above, there is a way to offer, if so inclined, without implying she is preggers. I myself on the bus always do this horribly evil assessment of whether or not any new passenger is too physically disabled to stand. Cane: automatic seat grant Limp: ????
December 12th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Agree with the above also – offer the seat without mentioning her gunt. She’ll just think you’re a helluva nice guy.
And if you do it with a wide sweep of the arm while holding a hat and making a deep bow, she’ll think your a goddamn GENTLEMAN.
December 12th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
I have been offered a seat on the EL and the bus in Chicago, and I just took it as someone being nice. It never crossed my mind, until now, that they might have thought I was pregnant. I didn’t take their offer, but I thought it was such a nice gesture. I would say most women would agree. So I guess I long winded-ly agree with the two other comments ahead of me.
December 12th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Yeah, I guess as long as you don’t phrase it, “My, you certainly look bloated enough to be pregnant! Please take this seat!”, it ends up OK.
And yes! The billowy summer fashions exacerbate the problem, and that goes triple for the fricken empire waist! Damn the empire waist.
December 12th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Indeed, damn it straight to hell.
Everyone here is totally on the money. That’s exactly the way to handle it.
December 13th, 2007 at 9:24 am
Having just given birth (and having ridden the DC metro where everyone pretends to read or be sleeping) I suggest that we manufacture and market, “Yes. I’m pregnant.” buttons. It takes the guesswork out for everybody and if some asshole sits while I stand, I can clear my throat and point to the button. (Not that I am having anymore.)
December 13th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
Empire waist shirts…..they do indeed need to die. In fiery death. Don’t people know they are for pregnant ladies?? The loose top implies baby’s on the way! Jeez. I can only do my part by refusing to buy any.
December 13th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
I agree with the posters above who say to just offer the seat to any female or elder. You are clearly a super nice guy .. that makes it easy.
One time when I quit smoking a “hacky-sack” guy from the park congratulated me on my pregnancy that did not exist.. This was the beginning of an anti-depressant, super-smoke-athon couple of months.
Hope the new job is OK and all is well at home.
January 7th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I’m glad this sentence didn’t end the way I feared it might.