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More hurting blisters
By ELB | January 24, 2008
My love of clementines has been thoroughly documented, so it won’t be a surprise to many of you that I have gorged myself once again. Only this time I have a scabby, ulcery spot right in the way of my delighted taste buds. This is not a set back, I dig deep within and manage to pack away three or four of these babies every night.
Unfortunately, that’s about as deep as I can dig. Every time I think I have hit the wall and can’t feel any worse, I up my game and manage to out do myself. I am sick all the time. Not sick, sick with barf, just sick at heart; with desperation. I can not sleep. I can not eat. I try to do my favorite thing of all time, lay in bed and read a book, and the words slide right out the corner. Then I’m lost.
I’m not entirely sure that the job rejection itself is the reason for this black diamond drop in my overall mental health. It’s the actual interview that had thrown me. The job was at one of the esteemed universities here in town, and it was on the top floor with an amazing view. Fancy, I know! Well, the guy doing the interview was obviously one of those rich white men that you know has his own bathing/dressing area at home, with gold backed hairbrushes and an impressive tie bar collection. This is to say that he was like no man I’ve ever known ever.
He started asking me kind of basic interview questions like “Why’d you pick this job?” Because the work ‘library’ was in it, that’s why. No, I didn’t say that. I took deep breaths and tried not to dig at my gummy nails, and answered honestly. Talk, talk, talk. Then he asked what I now feel is an asshole-ish question about my greatest life obstacle and how I overcame it. Uh….
What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? I told him I’d had a miscarriage and it was really fucking shitty. Then there was that one time I didn’t have a job and each day faced the world with a fresh weight-of-the-world-is-in-my-chest feeling. There was more talking, and I did get to mention that time I was quoted in Newsweek. By then I had floated outside my body and saw myself chirping like a girl who made the 7th grade honor roll. Then I shook his hand and limped out in the shittiest, most ill-fitting pumps that ever shod a lady.
On the way home I started to think, “Now, how did that job interview wind up with me talking about my miscarriage with an aloof man?” I mean, that doesn’t usually happen, right? This isn’t one of those, “If you want to play with the big boys, you better be ready to reveal tender medical personal lady business in a job interview.” Like, that was never mentioned in any of those 1,001 best interview tip books.
Then I got turned down for the fucking thing. The extra oof to the whole thing was the fact that I went in for the interview at 4:45 in the afternoon, out by 5:15, so it was one of the last things he did that day, and I got the rejection call at 8:15 in the morning the next day. That’s pretty much zero turn around. I’m sure that if anyone else would have been at the office when I left, he could have just told me ‘no dice’ on my way out the door. It really would have saved me all those hours of hope and encouragement.
I managed to mostly keep it together today. HGB was precious enough to take a very long nap, which allowed me to join him in taking a very long nap. As I’m averaging 5.5 hours of light sleep a night. Often I’m fuzzy the next day because I took some Tylenol PMs the night before and I still lay awake in my bed, trapped under a fattycake cat and a man who often confuses me for a body pillow. Though this evening I am being forced into my bed by the fact that my only movie choices are Sliding Doors and Empire Records. I bought one of those squeezy plastic lemon juices today. I might aim it right at my lip and let go. It’s got to be better than either one of those nightmares.
Oh, Gwynnie just said ‘tosser.’ I gotta go.
Topics: Reflections From the Bottom Rung | 19 Comments »
January 25th, 2008 at 7:50 am
Great post.
I hope things start looking up soon.
Never quit the clementines.
January 25th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I bet the cold shitty-ass winter in Chicago can’t be helping either. And the DARK OH THE DARK! Did you know that january 21st is considered the bluest day of the year? Bills from Xmas start rolling in, you’re looking directly down the barrel of 2-3 months of cold dark weather. Can you join the local Y with babysitting services and get a little exercise action? Always seems to help my blues. Also wears my ass out and makes me sleep. just a thought.
I hope things cheer up soon. I hate asshole interview questions too. Especially out of the blue ones like that. it’s just setting you up for failure unless you’ve already come up with one of those fake-negatives, “my biggest obstacle? being too humble.” fuck him. but not in a nice way.
January 25th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Can we just, for the love of being human everywhere, agree that there will be no more asking of that STUPID question anymore. It is inappropriate for people over the age 18, unless they want to talk about your biggest obstacle AT WORK.
Over.
January 25th, 2008 at 11:25 am
1. Winters in Chicago, especially when February approaches, must be the most depressing time ever. If the summers weren’t so good, the winters wouldn’t be so bad.
2. This may not make you feel better, but I had a long-term temp gig in HR at the very large and esteemed state university in my town here in southeastern Michigan, and I’m here to tell you (with 85% certainty) that you were never a real candidate for that job in the first place. Everybody wants to work at a university (they are so cushy and inefficient and zero pressure and full of free-tuition type benefits) and 7 billion people apply to every single job that is posted.
In the meantime, more often than not, there is already an internal candidate that they know they are going to hire. At the place I worked, they were required to interview a minimum of three people, even when it was obvious that the other two had no shot from the get-go.
It was heart breaking, because I’ve been where you are, and it’s such a bunch of bullshit to get someone’s hopes up when they are unemployed…You take the time, and waste the emotional energy going to an interview and imagining how great it will be to put the joblessness behind you with the rightful assumption that you have as good a chance of getting the job as any one else.
Anyway, the reason I am 85% sure that they were always planning on hiring someone else is because they called you back so soon to say no. The “thanks but no thanks” call was my fun job, and because the decision was always already made (regardless of how good the other candidates were, in my experience, they always went with the original person) before the interviews had even happened, I didn’t even need to wait for a green light from anyone to pick up the phone.
If you want to work anywhere at a university, become a janitor there first. As far as I can tell that’s the sure way to open the door to any position.
Good luck.
January 25th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Man, this sucks. I hope things take a turn for the better for you guys and soon.
I’ve been where you are, although not for the same type of job; we were pretty damn broke, newish kid to think about, no money coming in, and there was this killer job at an area hospital I was really in positive thinking mode over. Had myself utterly convinced that there was no way in hell they could not wish to hire me for the job, as I was eminently qualified for the position. (Also, it would have been the most money I’d ever made at a starting salary.)
I called after the interview, told them how interested I was in working with their department, what great work they did, blah blah blah, all the crap they tell you to do.
When I got the Dear John letter, I felt like I got suckerpunched. Came to find out later from a friend who worked in a different department that they had hired internally and were just meeting hiring reqs by posting the job, just like Sarah said up above me there.
I do indeed know how you feel.
Back to lurk mode.
January 25th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Thank you, guys. I feel sick about the whole thing, sick and angry. I feel like the deck is stacked against me.
But, my darling husband pointed out that, because so much of all of this is totally out of my hands, then I should enjoy my time at home. I’m trying, but I feel like everything is pushing on me.
January 25th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Brian’s totally right. I think you should spend your time at home developing a portfolio of avant-garde cross stitch pieces. Work BIG.
January 25th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
You know another thing that makes me feel better about myself? going to the mall and people watchin’. The older, more rundown mall the better. Almost immediately I feel smarter, prettier and like a kick-ass parent. Shallow ain’t I?
January 25th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Hi Erin,
I’m going through what feels like a similar experience to unemployment right now. I’m decidedly underemployed, still working at the same admin. job that put me through grad. school which I graduated from *last May*. Everyone’s a-askin’ along the lines of “you’re STILL working there?” and there’s nothing I can say but a sheepish yes. It totally sucks. And like you, I’ve been finding myself slowly decreasing the number of people I choose to speak with just to avoid the question. This, more than anything else, is just totally unlike me and really freaking me out that I may be more depressed than I want to admit. One of the things that helps though, as Brian points out, is to really try to train yourself to put the blame/responsiblity for the lack of employment on situations beyond your control, if only so that you can not beat up on yourself and hopefully improve your mood. Your identity is not dependent on whether you are working or not. (Honestly, you are still hilarious – a wonderfully entertaining and engaging writer, just one of your awesome traits I’m sure – despite not spending your days at a job.) Once you’re depressed though, I think the most important thing to getting back on track is to work on your mood. Feeling frustrated and like “everything is pressing in on you” just makes it all the more difficult to capitalize on real opportunities when they come along. Think of the things you could do. There are always possibilities but sometimes they’re just not all that obvious or easy to see. (Starting an online business maybe? Freelance writing? Shots in the dark…) Please don’t beat yourself up. My best wishes that your situation will turn around for the better as soon as possible.
Best,
~ss
January 25th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
1. Buy a new haircare product.
2. go scrunchy-half curly with lots of bobby pins and medusa things that are only cute on some people for a day.
Bam. no more blues.
Shallow? Me? Yer’ goddam right!
January 25th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I am sorry you feel shitty. It is hard when you are in it and can’t see past it cause it just SUCKS SO MUCH.
I will be pulling for you, I know you are too smart and talented to be sitting undiscovered at home.
Love!
January 25th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I meant to say, “sitting at home FOR LONG”. So, now my comment seems rude. But I didn’t mean it that way.
Eh. Is this week over now?!
January 25th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Oh, Erin. I’m just sorry. Fucking hell.
January 26th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I am pissed off at that guy, and I know EXACTLY the kind of prick you mean. I, unfortunately, have met douches like him. Many times. I hope he gets painful sores in many unpleasant places.
January 27th, 2008 at 7:14 am
I have a lead for you in the loop which would use your specific research/internet skills. My sister was just promoted, so her old position needs someone pronto to research teh blogs. It’s at http://www.edelman.com but not listed on the jobs page yet. SHoot me an e-mail so I can make the e-intro for you.
January 27th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I think what you need is a project.
Like this one:
http://www.cutoutandkeep.net/projects/guitar_shaped_bag
I fully believe that upon your completion of the project, the universe will bow before your awesomeness and the pathway to The Perfect Job will reveal itself to you.
And if I’m wrong, you still have a kick-ass bag you made yourself.
January 27th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
To paraphrase some drunken 60s hedonists, when you can’t have the job you want, want the one you have. Your belly and pocketbook may feel in despond, but your writing, these chronicles, they’re utterly sublime. Hurt onward, sleep whenever, write more stories and quietly cherish any weight loss achieved in effortless (i.e., unrelated to purposeful dieting) desperation.
January 27th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
I haven’t read your blog for ages, and unfortunately the first one I see is this one about a job interview. I’m so sorry. I’ve been through a million of ‘em myself. (Same goes for clementines, but that’s a different story.) One interview I had was very similar to yours, but the dick went and left a voice message right after I exited the building. So I got home a mere half hour later only to learn that I didn’t get the job. I wish you the best of luck with your job search! Before you know it, you’ll have something great!
February 3rd, 2008 at 11:43 pm
I have an interview story that tops all interview stories! At least you can feel better knowing you didn’t go through this:
I went to a job interview for a job I really really wanted the day after the funeral for one of my best friends who committed suicide. I don’t have any idea why I didn’t just cancel it, but I was convinced I could not only hold it together long enough to survive the interview, but that I would actually do well enough to get the job. What actually happened was I made it through maybe three or four questions before spacing out completely. I had to ask the interviewer to repeat a question. twice. a question that was something like “tell me a little bit about your work experience” or something equally vague and open ended, something that normal people can just answer. instead, after asking her to repeat the question. twice. I just started crying, sobbing, big hiccuping wails. She ran to get me kleenex and asked me if I was okay, what was going on. why the fuck are you bawling in an interview. So I told her my friend had killed himself, she had read about it in the paper the week before. Then, and this is the clincher, she. started. crying. I not only lost my shit in an interview, but I made the interviewer cry. Then we had a long talk about grief and loss and how on earth you recover and what the healing process is like and so on. Then she asked if I wanted to reschedule the interview. And because I never learn, I rescheduled for later that week. Because maybe a whole five days after my best friends funeral I would be in great shape to interview. With the woman I had already made cry. While I did not lose my shit in that second interview, I also did not get the job. This woman is the HR person for the organization I still work for, and does all initial interviews for all promotions, so I had interviewed with her a dozen times before this incident, and a half dozen times since then. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get promoted, or if making the HR person at your work cry is a good reason to look for another company.
Anyway, better luck next time!!