byrneunit

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David Silver is a far worse father than Ben Affleck was in Danielle Steel’s Daddy.

Posted on | February 12, 2008 | 9 Comments

I have only seen one single snippet of “Unwed Father” and it is already blowing my skull! The movie gets right to it, so I will to.

David Silver is playing in this seedy club, singing this Candlebox sounding song, while the girl from the Nanny pretends to rebel against her parents. And she’s an artist! Oh! Gad! I just remembered the time on 90210 when Scotty’s sister put the moves on David at some dance. She stood in front of the stage in eyelet trim daisy dukes chirping and clapping. Donna was all, “Step off!” Then it turns out that she was was being molestered by her Oklahoma uncle, so she blamed the West Beverly journalism teacher. Well! That was the girl from the Nanny! The same skeeve who abandons her newborn on the doorstep of a lame one night stand.

I consulted some sources and confirmed the fact that the girl from the Nanny, Nicholle Tom, is the sister of the plug ugly Heather Tom, aka Victoria Newman on Y&R.

There we go, the rabbit just died. Turns out he’s totally privledged and might sell cars for his dad, that was unclear. His mom plays tennis and calls him “Sunshine.” Nanny Girl is a fast food waitress whose mother had her when she was fifteen. David must have known she was from the wrong side of the tracks, so that’s why he felt it was OK to straight up call her a tramp and made a pro forma offer of abortion money.

She can’t go through with the procedure, so she moves in with her mom who spends all her time telling her daughter how she’s ruined both of their lives. Now she’ll never go to art school and her mom won’t be able to live out her hopes and dreams of becoming a police sketch artist. It’s time for baby to go, so she loads up the hatchback and heads for Beverly Hills. Apparently, in 1997, it was still legal to put your baby in a forward facing car seat and have the tyke ride shotgun.

Have I mentioned that the music for this gem is by Mark Mothersbaugh? How the hell did that happen?

Silver just lost a big account, so his dad fires the nanny. No, not The Nanny. Now Silver has to take his kid to jam with his friends. Good thing all his friends are total pricks and stomp out of the garage when the baby starts crying. The eventually go on to turn him away when he comes to them for a place to stay after his dad kicks him out.

Jeez, this movie is making me really tense. Baggy Austin Green flipping out and screaming at his baby is kind of upsetting. Especially since it’s such an obviously rubber baby. I like to think that Baggy Green was all, “Look, just to be on the safe side, can we get a prop baby in here? I’m super fucking method and I don’t want to harm any babies during the filming of this movie.”

I think the next Sophie B. Hawkins is narrating the Baggy-gets-his-act-together montage. It took forever for 90210 to come out on DVD because there was all this music rights BS preventing the release. So now that it’s out, some of the songs are different. Turns out that Ms B. Hawkins is doing so well that she can refuse the ghost of Aaron Spelling the right to use “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” in the DVD release.

I could write a dissertation on the parallels between Unwed Father and 90210, but I have to get up tomorrow and put on more Professional Lady clothes. Hopefully they’ll turn out as well as they did on Monday.

Category: 90210, LMN, Television

Comments

9 Responses to “David Silver is a far worse father than Ben Affleck was in Danielle Steel’s Daddy.”

  1. Brittanie
    February 12th, 2008 @ 10:31 pm

    I laughed at the thought of Brian Austin Green being a “super fucking method” actor.

  2. Marie
    February 13th, 2008 @ 6:14 am

    But does it make Sophie B. Hawkins any less annoying that she made this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwEiQOVzXdA
    I say she is still annoying, but this adds some TIMBRE to it.

    Her website is filled with ways to make liquids shoot out of the nose. (Or ways to stab yourself in the face, whichever.)

  3. Jason
    February 13th, 2008 @ 6:44 am

    I have a really good Sophie B. Hawkins story. It involves alcohol, police, and an 18-wheeler.

    I think music rights must be the thing holding up the release of season 1 of Strangers With Candy, dammit.

  4. Amelia Bedelia
    February 14th, 2008 @ 2:20 pm

    Wait a second! Every season of Strangers with Candy is available in a complete package. I promise! I got it two Xmassss ago from Santa. Trust.

  5. Jason
    February 15th, 2008 @ 8:46 am

    Really? Shit! I mean, I’ve been trying to get it on Netflix like FOREVAH, but nothing.

  6. briantologist
    February 15th, 2008 @ 9:16 am

    It’s true, you can totally buy them. They’re so awesome that you really may as well purchase them.

  7. Salome
    February 17th, 2008 @ 8:40 pm

    Long time reader, first time commenter. Oh how you summed up my feelings sooo perfectly. I curled up on the couch and watched this little gem with my puppy at my side, it was more beautiful in its agony than a 90210 Marathon. With that said, did you note at the end that it was a David Silver, ahem, I mean “Brian Austin Green” Mother F-ing PRODUCTION?!!. I want a rickety house boat and a baby now, too.

  8. ELB
    February 18th, 2008 @ 9:07 am

    OMG, I totally saw that that was a Baggy Green Production! What the hell?!

    Who told him this was a good idea?

  9. briantologist
    February 18th, 2008 @ 11:48 am

    One can only assume that person’s name rhymed with Barren Smelling.

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