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I certainly hate Faith
By ELB | February 14, 2008
It’s a Very Special Valentine’s Episode of ATWT! Our favorite couples imagine what life would be like if they didn’t have one another! This is even better than the Very Special Christmas Episode Victorian Extravaganza!
We start out with Lily and Holden falling in love all over again. He gives her a card, then walks up behind her while she’s facing the camera, and he holds her so they’re both facing the camera. They talk about how their love is strong and what would life be like if they ever lost one another.
Luke and Noah are standing in the courtyard/shopping center. Taciturn Noah gives Luke a card, they try and wrap their heads around the idea of a life spent apart. The moment grabs them and they lean in for some closed mouth action, only to jerk away when some guy in a jean jacket walks by and ignores them.
The intro rounds out with three other couples whose stories I dont’t follow. Gwen and her guy, the lady cop and her husband, and stupid old Jack and Carly.
Lily is back and she is a ghost watching over her family. Holden is run ragged, trying to feed a fussy baby and make brownies. She steps on to the porch to see the brutish Faith journaling through some rage. Zoom in on an over the shoulder shot to read that it says, “FAITH HATES EVERYBODY!! FAITH HATES FAITH!!” But wait, she feels a ghostly presence telling her that, since she’s dead and in heaven, she can see the future. Lily assures her girl that she will date lots of boys and get married and all her dreams will come true. No mention of school or anything. Faith rips the offending page out of her book and, in it’s place, draws a great big heart with her GellyRoll pen.
Then things get confusing. I think Lily seems to have imbued Holden with the power to make brownies, whereas Brian thinks she mystically conjured brownies from beyond the grave. At this point, it doesn’t matter. OH! They reach out to touch hands, then she becomes real, like Holden brought her back from the grave.
Now Luke and Noah gaze at their reflection in a shop window and wonder what if. Noah says that if he had never met Luke, then he would have ended up going into the military like his father wanted him to, and how on Earth would he be able to find true man love in the U.S. Armed Forces.
Cut to Noah and some scruffy guy wearing peacoats and stocking caps, walking away from what appears to be the U.S.S. Constitution. Scruffy Guy tactfully razzes Noah about wanting to go to museums rather than get lap dances.
On his way to the Met he bumps right into Luke, who offers to show him around. And that he does, courtesy of a slo-mo emo montage that ends with them rounding the corner of Gay & Christopher. Yes, my friends, this one is on location. They’ve busted out of the studio and set these boys free. Smarty Pants Luke explains that many famous people were gay and gives him a walking tour where they see the Stonewall Inn and the Statue of Liberty. There on the water taxi, Luke talks about how in America you can be anything, even gay. Their eyes meet, and and Noah is all, “I am! I’m Gay!”
When they get back to Old Ironsides, Luke promises to wait for Noah to come back from his tour. Music swells, they lean in, and they hug. Because that’s what you do when you meet hot sailors on leave and promise to wait for them. The scene ends with a freeze frame of Luke’s blissful face, smiling over Noah’s shoulder.
Oh, wow. The Lady Police Cop and her husband are having a fantasy sequence that’s filmed in black and white. It appears to be an homage to Desk Set wherein they’re lawyers facing each other in court. It ends with a squirt gun gag.
Then Gwen and Fug imagine a brutal dystopia where a visibly inebriated Gewn is almost raped in a car. Fug rescues her and she deflects his advances. Nice, she’s nearly raped and you’re right there to take advantage of her weakness. He follows her to a dive bar and learns that she’s in a band called the Itty Bitty Kitty Crew. Gewn sings a terrible song. Just terrible. How did this woman ever get to share the stage with Andy Williams at the Moon River Theater?
I had no idea that soaps did Very Special Holiday Episodes. I should’t be surprised, we’ve already discussed the MarDevil and Megan’s Angel Wings. Why wouldn’t they do Bizarro episodes? I know I say this every single day, but this is blowing my mind. Right now I am furiously circling holidays in my day runner. I can not for one second imagine what they’ll do for Easter.
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