byrneunit

I rarely know what you’re talking about.

I don’t hear you unless you’re hot

Posted on | February 4, 2008 | 9 Comments

It’s safe to say that I am totally crushing on Torchwood. The cast is 100% hot! Every single person on the cast is potential “That would be pretty cool if his/her car broke down in front of my house and they had to use the phone, but it would be a while before the tow truck got there because the bridge to my rustic, secluded cabin with a mini-fridge and no mildew, was completely washed out by the torrential rains” material. Love that shit!

Seriously, I am so excited to meet new, attractive, imaginary people to pin my hopes and dreams on.

A 100% hot cast is totally in the eye of the beholder, but they’re also harder to come by than one would imagine. Buffy had a 100% hot cast, even that simpering shitheel, SMG. As long as there was no moving or talking involved, she’s not terrible to look at. 90210 has about an 85% hot cast, with Spelling and Doherty being the obvious fug standouts.

I guess it really just comes down to my needing a group of solidly attractive people to make me care about their fake problems.

Oh! Big news in Oakdale! I have not seen Luke and Noah for weeks! Every day I tape As the World Turns, then I watch the intro catch a glimpse of Luke and Noah. If someone else is in the Snyder Farm kitchen that day, then I know they’re not going to be on.

Well, today proved me wrong. Today they were at an outdoor cafe talking about how they’re both 19; they really want to wait to get freaky because it has to be special, with a red, round bed and soft music and candles. Because I hear teenage boys love that shit.

As they’re sharing, Reg, Oakdale U’s GLBT Alliance prexy, came up and invited Luke and Noah to spend the weekend at a lake cabin (not mine, my rustic cabin is in Snug Harbor, theirs’ is at Rocky Point) “with an extra bedroom.” Er ma gur! Alone time! So they have to clear it with Luke’s Dad first. He’s being falsely accused of Smoldering Dusty’s murder and he needs help; Luke’s just being considerate.

Ok, they decide to go. Then President Queer comes back with his PYT in tow. Introductions are made and PYT totally cruises Noah! Noah excuses himself and PYT lisps his appreciation for Noah’s fine form. Luke read PYT’s beads and was all, “Yeah, I like it. So back off, Nelly!” PYT like, rolls his eyes or something, and proceeds to tell Luke all about the no-swimsuits-allowed hot tub at the cabin. Which immediately brought to mind a pool of amniotic soup made up of spooge, lube, popper bottles, and cigarette butts. Luke manages to mask his horror long enough for PYT to imply that drugs would be available to this party. At that point he makes a lame excuse and flees the interview.

Meanwhile, back at Snyder Farm kitchen, Luke comes in and tells Noah (who now lives at Snyder Farm with Luke, but he has to sleep on the couch, which is why they have not yet taken their love to the physical level) that PYT wants to snort coke off his boner. There is more frowning and hugging; they might have even said something about this testing their love. They decide that, while not an ideal situation, they’ll take it because they’re desperate to relieve the mounting pressure in their loins.

Some more time passes. Lily tells Holden he needs a lawyer. Holden calmly tells her that he’s got things under control, and, no, he won’t go to prison for the murder of Dusty Donovan. When we meet back up with Luke and Noah they’re in the kitchen, natch, and they jinx each other by simultaneously blurting out that neither one of them wants to go to the lake house. Their eyes meet, then their fingertips. Noah suggests they take a moonlight walk around Snyder pond. A walk where no dry humping will happen, noooo way.

Category: 90210, ATWT, Television

Comments

9 Responses to “I don’t hear you unless you’re hot”

  1. Nate
    February 5th, 2008 @ 5:36 am

    Okay, ELB, you’ve officially got me itching to TiVo this. I swear, I’ve seen things that were less chaste on the campus of a Bible college.

  2. Nicole
    February 5th, 2008 @ 6:37 am

    Have you seen the creepy puppet? I get off early one day last week and there is some guy with a puppet. And then I turned it off, because I cannot forgive a show for its use of puppets. (Also, Luke’s dad or Mom is accused of murder yearly. Shockingly, they are never guilty!)
    Loving these recaps!

  3. jaime
    February 5th, 2008 @ 7:44 am

    I am completely obsessed with Torchwood, too. And the thing about them all being hot is that they’re all hot in unconventional ways.

  4. ELB
    February 5th, 2008 @ 8:34 am

    I have seen the cowboy puppet! It freaks me out so much that I can’t bear to actually watch that portion of the show. I probably should, though. What if it actually contains Dusty Donovan’s soul?!

    And Nate, I have heard rumors that the bathrooms in the Bible college library are an excellent place to seek and find some super action.

    Jamie, you are not even kidding. There is not one weak link on the show. BAM!

  5. briantologist
    February 5th, 2008 @ 8:56 am

    I love that two 19-year-old guys are somehow magically unable to find somewhere to get it on — as any guy who’s been 19 can attest, overcoming staggering odds in the name of getting freaky is higher on the priority list than, say, showering.

    You can not tell me there’s not a fricken pay toilet at Snyder Pond. Or like, a tree.

  6. Jason
    February 5th, 2008 @ 1:15 pm

    And helloooooo!!! They fucking go to college. As you mentioned Lady Byrne, college library bathrooms are ideal for boyfucking. I have some personal experience with this.

    Or the stacks!

    The fact that Nuke haven’t fucked yet is just creative cowardice on the part of the show’s producers, plain and simple.

    90210 had a 75% hot cast. Brian Awesome Queen was jank.

  7. Amelia Bedelia
    February 5th, 2008 @ 2:07 pm

    I want to snort coke off boners!

  8. ELB
    February 5th, 2008 @ 5:37 pm

    Go to Bible college.

  9. kristin
    February 5th, 2008 @ 10:30 pm

    I can’t believe Ziering didn’t make your list. The only reason Carteris didn’t also make my list is that it would have been ageism more than true shallowness. I mean she’s a pretty hot octagenerian high school student.

    You also make me sad that I continue to stick with General Hospital even though it’s long since abandoned any of awesomeness of the days when Luke and Laura saved the world from a madman with a weather machine who was going to freeze the world.

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