byrneunit

I rarely know what you’re talking about.

I don’t want you barfing all over my Beamer, OK?

Posted on | February 18, 2008 | 4 Comments

On lo, this frigid day, my heart is warmed by the arrival of the “Emily Valentine takes the gang to an underground club” episode of 90210. This television masterpiece rates up there with the “Thanksgiving turkeys out the helicopter” episode of WKRP as an historic taste of Americana.

See, it’s an incredibly hip underground club that changes its location every week. In order to gain admission, one must exchange an egg. Until that time, the gang stands around school and says “underground club” about 13 times. Emily and Ahndrea get into a soft-butch pissing contest over that skinnyass Walsh. So Ahndrea lays down a wicked burn when she agrees to go to the underground club just for the sake of solid high school journalism. But Valentine has the last word when she pulls an egg out of her hemp bag and presents it to Zuckerman, all, “Here you go, Zuck. We’ll see you there….If you’ve got the plums.”

God, the first 20 minutes of this thing are all about lying to your parents and how it’s really wrong, because your parents trust you.

Because this is an undergound club, everyone is dressed in black. Dylan pulls Brenda aside to break the truth to her: There will be drugs inside. But things will be ok because they don’t have to do them. Sure enough, there’s a guy with a biggo 4 on his shirt. U4IA is in the house. And there goes Valentine, copping right there out in the open.

Turns out she’s not the only one with an eye out for adventure. Baggy Silver flirts with cirrhosis and chugs a pint of Old Harpers. Killer Kelly Taylor (who totally got dissed when Valentine was all, “Oh, wow, it must really suck to be the only one here without a BOYFRIEND! Especially a needle dick like BRANDON WALSH!”) can think only of her car interior.

On the way to the miraciuously line-less and drag queen free ladies room, Brenda and Kelly spot a guy on the nod. At that very second Brenda’s boot comes down on a giant plastic animal vaccination syringe. DRUGS ARE BEING DONE! ABORT! ABORT!

But it’s too late. Walsh and Valentine are clinched on the hood of the ‘Stang, their blousy jeans dampened by an endless flood of lost inhibitions. Brenda and Dylan try to meddle, but they are laughed right back to the Speedster. As they storm away the U4IC couple quote Motley Crue.

In the meantime, Steve and Ahndrea are running behind. They get there just in time to see the pigs come in and break things up. Ahndrea jumps out of the ‘Vette and charges into the fracas. For real, she can’t stand idly by and let breaking news happen around her without taking some serious fucking action. Unfortunately, the only flash on her beat was Walsh’s chicken chest peeking out from underneath Valentine’s bomber jacket.

Sometime after that he found his shirt, because he is definitely wearing in when he confronts some painful truths about drug use. He explains that people who do drugs think they’re so cool. Whether it’s the drugs that are cool, or those doing them, is unclear. Either way it doesn’t matter because in the end, it’s all a big fake-out. Drugs are dangerous because they take away your real emotions, thus making it all that much more difficult to tell the difference between life and tripping.

This lesson is brought to a close when Ahndrea stops by the P. Pit after a long day of shopping at Tuesday Morning. She just wants to see if Brando is ok. She’s concerned that he hasn’t learned his lesson, so she takes him into the kitchen where they recreate the “This is your brain on drugs” commercial.

Category: 90210, Television

Comments

4 Responses to “I don’t want you barfing all over my Beamer, OK?”

  1. imbibed
    February 19th, 2008 @ 12:56 am

    in honor of this psa, we will be naming our first child bersh.
    bersh haun. thank you very much.

  2. Spirophita
    February 19th, 2008 @ 2:45 pm

    I was fortunate enough to be home sick with the flu yesterday. And what do I watch? Back to back episodes of 90210 and the O.C.

    And I loved this episode. LOVE that it’s a giant horse syringe. LOVE that E is a powdered white substance that easily mixes into soda water. And even more so, that Brandon drinks it down in one gulp.

    I think we all learned a powerful life lesson. Drugs. Are. Bad. We must always be “in control.” I mean, OBVIOUSLY nothing like this happens in white-bread Minnesota. Right????

  3. Gleemonex
    February 19th, 2008 @ 5:44 pm

    I love that Brandoleum gets frickin dosed. I’d dose him too. But the thing is, it then allows him to stay sanctimonious and pyoor — he didn’t take U4IA on purpose, see. Some skanky ho he’s trying to bang DOSED him, right.

  4. ELB
    February 19th, 2008 @ 8:05 pm

    Oh my god, precisely. In the end he fesses up to Jim and Cindy and they are totally forgiving. I mean, they’re firm, I mean. He did lie to them about going to the underground club, but they know him well enough to know he would never touch drugs. Especially after that whole trashcan punch night in jail car wreck night. He’s a stand-up guy, that Walsh.

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