byrneunit

I rarely know what you’re talking about.

Nazi Germany, 90210

Posted on | February 2, 2008 | 10 Comments

Yesterday’s episode of 90210 was from season 1 back when the Walsh’s had a housekeeper. She didn’t last too long, as they quickly realized that really they only needed Cindy to stand in the kitchen and pour orange juice for the gang.

I wasn’t able to pay too much attention to the story set up, as my mind was blown pretty early on in the episode when Kelly mentioned how ‘trendoid’ Dylan’s ‘wipe-out pants’ were. There was something involving the housekeeper’s niece going to West Bev under mysterious circumstances. Brandon thought she was hot because, even though she was Mexican, she bucked the odds and managed to speak in full sentences and not steal his wallet.

In the meantime, Big Jim Walsh was having a party for a client (manufacturer of the aforementioned wipe-out pants) that was catered by the housekeeper. Brandon got a bug in his ass about something, so he decided to make a huge scene in the middle of the party, calling out the client for possibly paying slave wages to illegals.

Now, we all know that this is probably true, but how fucking assholeish is it for the son of the host to call out the guest of honor for possibly, maybe exploiting people? Thanks, son! Then, in true Brandon Walsh form, he then turns around and makes his Dad feel like a shitheel for even diegning to allow Simon Legree into their home.

This is always happening. The time Nat wanted to sell the P. Pit because he was getting old and had a wicked case of angina? Brandon came in and told him he was a shit for even considering this option. There was another time that the Pit was going to get torn down to make room for a mall. Again, Nat wanted to sell and Brandon told him he was an asshole. Nat agreed and the Pit remained open. Nat continues on the greasy slope toward his early grave; Brandon rests easy knowing that he’s right.

Recently Brian watched Apt Pupil (RIP Brad Renfro) and that got me to thinking. What would happen if a Nazi moved in next door to Casa Walsh? Amazing things would happen, that’s what. I imagine the story would go a little something like this:

Old German man (played by Milton Berle) moves in next door. He’s sweet, volunteers at the Jewish Community Center, and is in failing health. One day Brandon befriends him by helping to rescue some baby squirrels who have fallen from a tree. Inside the house, while Fritz sees to the babies, Brando starts snooping and finds a photo of Fritz in his SS uniform. When Fritz offers Brandon some tea, he blows up, rips Fritz a new one for being true to das Vaterland, and storms out without bothering to wait for an explaination.

The next day Brandon tells Ahndrea all about it. He wants to write a front page expose for the Blaze, “The Nazi Next Door.” Ahndrea tells him that Fritz vols at the Van Nuys Hillel Center in order to atone for WWII. Brando pooh-poohs her lame excuse. He storms over to Fritz’s house and calls him out. Fritz explains that he was impressed into the Waffen SS when he was 15-years-old. The war was almost over, Hitler was desperate; sending children and old men to the front, and, like Gunter Grass, he really had no choice. It was either go with the SS or watch them slaughter his family.

Brandon does not believe Fritz’s hateful excuses and wastes no time in contacting the Wiesenthal Center of Beverly Hills, demanding that Fritz be brought to trial. Because he is Brandon Walsh of the West Beverly Blaze, his calls go right through and Fritz is convicted within the week. As they wheel the ailing Fritz out of the courtroom, he stops to thank Brandon for bringing him to justice and making sure he gets the punishment he deserves. After all, we all have choices in life and sometimes doing the right thing means giving up your mother and three young sisters to die a horrible death at the hands of desperate, war crazed fascists.

That night Big Jim Walsh tells his son that he is very proud of him; he has taken his words to heart and told Mr. Sweat Shop Wipe-Out Pants to hit the skids. Brandon sleeps the sleep of the righteous.

Category: 90210, Television

Comments

10 Responses to “Nazi Germany, 90210”

  1. Brittanie
    February 2nd, 2008 @ 6:11 pm

    Okay okay okay wait.
    Brandon berates the CEO of Wipe Out Pants Inc and criticizes his own father for supporting an industry profits from the use of illegal sweatshop labor, but Brandon Walsh himself IS WEARING THE FUCKIN SWEATSHOP-MADE PANTS?

    Dude.

  2. Rebecca - also a librarian
    February 2nd, 2008 @ 9:22 pm

    One to the another … I would SO like to be as “cool” in library land as you. One librarian mom (mine is almost 4, but I’m divorced) you rock!

  3. ELB
    February 3rd, 2008 @ 7:19 am

    Nonono. All of his friends are wearing Wipe Out Pants. Brandon has no use for them.

  4. andie
    February 3rd, 2008 @ 8:32 am

    ha! that’s brilliant. what are wipe out pants?

  5. ELB
    February 3rd, 2008 @ 2:53 pm

    Rebecca: I’m absolutely positive that you are a cool librarian.

    Andie: No clue.

  6. Jason
    February 4th, 2008 @ 8:37 am

    Fucken Brandon. That ramrod is plunged so deeply up his ass it’s a wonder he has room for the bugs.

  7. ELB
    February 4th, 2008 @ 10:35 am

    If by ‘ramrod’ you mean Dylan’s mouse cock, then you’re right on target.

    Nothing spells power bottom like B-R-A-N-D-O-N W-A-L-S-H.

  8. Traci
    February 4th, 2008 @ 11:15 am

    Wasn’t the girlfriend in the Witness Protection Program? Good times.

  9. ELB
    February 4th, 2008 @ 1:53 pm

    Dylan’s dad is in the WPP. His wife, Toni Marchette, was the daughter of the man who Dylan thought murdered his Dad. She was eventually gunned down by her father’s goons. They thought they were shooting Dylan.

  10. Jason
    February 4th, 2008 @ 3:02 pm

    Your 90210 knowledge is, indeed, encyclopedic.

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