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Two gays and a Muslim investigate the Illinois penal system
By ELB | February 27, 2008
Hey, guess what! Luke and Noah are in the kitchen! Muslim girl peeks in on them and hears them encouraging each other over the fact that if Noah helps this girl, his dad won’t hate him anymore. However that’s supposed to work out, I don’t know.
Woah! Stop talking, Noah. Nobody is listening to you becase Vienna is totally cheating on Henry right now! Probably because he wears the same sherbet striped shirt every goddam day. She’s sobbing in a hotel room because he caught her with some ferrety looking guy. She’s wearing a lovely red gown. There’s a knock at the door! It’s some other lady in a red gown. Hey, is ATWT going lezzie too? I wonder if they’d ever get to “be alone together.” I bet they do.
Back in the kitchen, Muslim girl throws out some empty offer to stay somewhere else. Luke begs her to stay and she rolls right over for him. At that very second Noah’s phone rings. It’s Statesville Prison with a message from his dad! Noah flips, “No WAY am I going to see him!” Well, Muslim girl isn’t afraid to go to S’ville on her own; she’ll do it. Oh, just ’cause she’s a lady she can’t go alone, so Noah drops his balls into the game. Looks like they’re both going to take a trip to S’ville. Luke jumps in, “Negative! You are not heading to the ‘Ville without me.”
ATWT GAY/MUSLIM PRISON ROAD TRIP IS ON!
Meanwhile, Vienna’s infidelity has driven Henry into Funyun-fueled shame spiral.
Everyone crowds into Noah’s big, butch F(ag)-350 (American made, bitches) and heads up the creek. Luke and Noah share their coming out stories. Luke has known he was a ‘mo for a while now, but things are different for Noah. He is not one of those gold star gays, he’s known lady in the past. Muslim girl starts butting in, insisting that if she had been there, she could have made his murderous dad understand. Damn, girl, giving yourself a little credit much? Since she’s pretty much genie, I guess she can un-bigot men with her mystical powers.
Oh, pow! What just happened? The truck’s front axle just snapped like a twig, right there in the middle of the spooky, deserted woods of Statesville, ATWT, USA. Now, I’m no prisonologist, but I do know that, even though they’re often in remote areas, many prisons are located near paved roads. Well, not in Illinois, apparently, because there’s no celly reception. Will they have to hoof it to the BP up the road? No way, this trail is bookended by a wildlife reserve and a lake. There’s no civilization for MILES! They have no choice but to climb into the truck and go to bed. Even though it’s, like, 4:30 in the afternoon.
“Hold up,” says Muslim girl. She’s not so down with haveing to sleep right up next to a couple of homos. They have assure her that there will be zero petting, heavy or otherwise, before she’ll get into the car with them. Seriously girl, these guys won’t touch each other when you’re not sharing the bench seat. There’s no fucking way they’ll freak on you. Besides, it’s the middle of the damn day. I’d think they’d at least wait until dusk to start the hand jobs.
Holyshit! At the other end of ATWT Soundstage 4, we cut to a biggo pile of empty generic chip bags, tossed all over Henry’s desk like he just come off the Lost Weekend. Some people storm in rudely insisting that he mend his marriage and he gives them this look like, “How can I possibly be worried about fixing my marriage? I have just eaten six bags of chips.” But no! His love for Vienna is stronger than that.
He stumbles home and they make awkward love. I’m not gonna lie to you, it was not hot. It was like watching a substitute teacher roll around with a dressmakers dummy.
And that’s where they leave us. The Ecumenical Trio is huddling for warmth in a truck with its windows down. I can’t find my Chilton’s manual just now, but I’m pretty sure that a broken axle doesn’t interfere with a vehicle’s heating and cooling systems. See, they just buzzed the windows up. I am sure you can run the heat for a while, guys.
Topics: ATWT, Television | 4 Comments »
February 28th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
“It was like watching a substitute teacher roll around with a dressmakers dummy.”
Jesus, Erin. That is absolute comedy gold.
February 28th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
My cube-mates are getting annoyed with me because I CANNOT stop snickering at your ATWT recaps. They’ve been good before, but this holy crap storyline w/the ‘mos and the Muslim has given you a whole new world of comedy (cue the Disney music). Keep it up!!
February 28th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I kinda want to watch ATWT now… but deep down I know it won’t be anywhere near as good as your recaps.
February 28th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Thanks, guys. I’m glad we’re all able to stand back and marvel at how ridiculous this all is. But I’m kind of worried because I know that at some point this week, some guy calls someone a faggot. That shit stresses me out. I mean, I bitch that they’re always in the kitchen, but I don’t want a hate crime to be what spices things up. Or maybe they’ll realize how close they came to losing one another and finally do the deed.