byrneunit

I rarely know what you’re talking about.

The night they brought ol’ ELB down

Posted on | March 6, 2008 | 3 Comments

Woah, so those two douchebags who were unloading groceries at the restaurant across town, now live together in a swingin’ bachelor pad we have not seen since the days when Baggy Austin Green moved into Steve’s ex-gf’s house. I believe he was roomies with both Dylan and Noah at different points in time.

Remember when Steve Sanders dated Hillary Swank for, like, half a season? She was in the straight up credits, man. They had high hopes for her and the Sand Man, or whatever the fuck it was that he called himself. She had a moppet kid with missing front teeth. But I guess the backlash was so great that they wrote her ass out of the show. It concluded with a touching freeze-frame hug of Ziering, Swank, and moppet. Steve cried. But really, Steve cried a lot. He was definitely the crier of the gang.

Anyway! Back in Oakdale, these two dootchbags are kickin’ it A&F style. I think we may have to say fuck it with this Luke and Noah stupid, “Let’s exchange promise rings and hold hands to Tori Amos” bullshit. I think the action’s going down over here at the Frat Pad.

For real, who would you rather hang out with? The last we saw Luke and Noah they had just asked a Muslim girl and a tween to go on a hayride. Ooooor, you could hang out with like, the Sean Cody* guys. I know what I’d pick.

Oh, Jesus Christ! Noah just geeked out about getting to take Muslim girl to the OU Spring Mixer. Oh, but she’s never been to a dance before. She couldn’t possibly go alone. Well, who better than to chaperone than the two kleenest teens in IL; Luke and Noah.

Luke’s hair is just a fright.

Jesus, they just got a lecture about drinking and driving. Then Muslim girl had to go and throw another wrench into things by being all, “Alcohol? I swear to Pete that this girl is not who she says she is.

Oh, the mixer is just awkward. I don’t even know where to begin with this. Should I talk about the explaination of why we humans get our hand stamped at the door? What about the guy from Global Studies class who offers Muslim girl the use of his notes, then was brash enough to ask her to dance? Buh, she doesn’t even know him. So he asks if Noah’s her boyfriend and she says no. But it’s all good because he said “Cool” when Luke was all, “Jump back, because he’s my trick.”

No! He didn’t really say that. That’s dumb. He was unfailingly polite when introducing his future intended betrothed in matrimoinus under god life partner, Noah.

Oh, shit! The Randy Blue guys are there! Suite life of Zac and Cody in the hizzy! They’re in some pissing contest over some boring girl. Omigod, Are they going to skip Luke and Noah’s tender first time and just go straight to sleazy gang bang?

You guys! I can not believe this is happening. Muslim girl says she’ll dance with Noah, but Noah’s all, “I can’t. I promised Luke my first dance.” Then he whips out a delicate leather booklet with a pencil attached by a bit of satin cording with, like, “LUKE: Dances one through for ever!” written all over it. I think that Chick-a, Cherry-Cola song is playing.

!!!We’ver been blind-sided by a tender Lily and Holden in the shower together scene. Oh, I can’t even watch it in fast forward. This is definitely more uncomfortable than the Henry and Vienna luuuuuv making, because they just looked like androids. Lily and Holden are totally your parents.

Now, either Zach or Adam/Cody asks Muslim girl to dance and Noah freaks out. Luke is clinging to his polo shirt begging to have a night to themselves. So she dances with this dink. That they dance to smooth R&B is a given. If 90210 has taught us anything, it’s that the young kids love smooth R&B.

Ok, guys, this fucking sucks. I don’t like having to watch more than one story on this show. This show is becoming like that one episode of the X-Files where the pennies melted together. I don’t like it.

Wait, Luke and Noah just went into an alley, supposedly to make-out. No! Boys! Stop! You’ll get busted for cottaging! Way to be out and proud, guys. If they kiss, I’ll eat my hat. Woah! Hand on thigh action!

Denied! Holden calls because someone has called Snyder Farm looking for Muslim girl. But Luke doesn’t answer his phone. Take that, DAD! Then it cuts to scuffling Pumas on the pavement, interrupted by two goddam g-men.

“Uh, excuse us guys. We’re federal agents.”

Luke and Noah bust apart. Because, you know, the feds often storm right in on men being seen together in public. They have values in this community!

No, they’re looking for Muslim girl. Luke totally rolls over and is all, “She’s inside.” He points and everything. God, you guys, I can’t keep up!

Feds bust in, manhandle Muslim girl. Muslim girl is still talking to either Zack or Cody, we still don’t know, ZorA gets up and punches the fed. Oh, well he’s under arrest now. Suite deal, bitches. In the kerfuffle, Luke and Noah sneak Muslim girl out the back door. Was this directed by Mack Sennett?

Nice, guys. Everyone knows that, when approached by the police over a manner you know yourself to be innocent of, the best course of action is to run away. They try and encourage Muslim by saying that the feds can’t just haul her away without listening to her side of the story. Sure! No way do they need probable cause. I’m surprised we don’t then get a serious lecture about the goddam PATRIOT Act.

The feds haul Muslim girl into custody. There’s outrage. God, it just goes on and on.

I can’t.

*I’d link, but it’s just filthy.

Category: 90210, ATWT, Television

Comments

3 Responses to “The night they brought ol’ ELB down”

  1. Erin Mc
    March 7th, 2008 @ 10:08 am

    I like how there is an ad for a kind of Muslim match.com thing on your page now because of the Muslim girl in ATWT.

  2. summerdragon
    March 8th, 2008 @ 1:09 am

    seriously, I’m getting help to stop after this one. Really.

    http://img03.picoodle.com/img/img03/4/2/3/f_danecookfanm_fca434e.jpg

  3. summerdragon
    March 10th, 2008 @ 5:38 pm

    I tried. Really, I did. I didn’t give the link to the page of pictures of crazy things that religious zealots believe, or of restroom signs for stupid people, or jerkwads in action. But honestly, this one I just had to share with you, because I *know* that you will snort your beverage in process through your proboscis upon reading. Or at least groan in that way that says, “It’s funny, really funny, but also so very sad BECAUSE I KNOW PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS.”

    http://frostfirezoo.com/you-know-youre-a-redneck-if-your-wife-is-quoted-in-the-local-paper-saying

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