byrneunit

I rarely know what you’re talking about.

9021-off

Posted on | September 4, 2008 | 4 Comments

… And, at long last, we’re off. Effing DVR cuts off the first five minutes, natch. But we do get a second of AHndrea and Thinnyhair Velasquez’s daughter. Gawd. And they make a joke about her looking 30! Which is funny because AHndrea was 98 years old when she was on the show. Hawt.

So this kid is like unhealthy skinny. Thankfully she’s next to this perm-ass beeyatch from “Nip/Tuck” who bugged the fuck outta me the whole hour or so we were able to watch that show before losing interest last season. Can’t wait for her.

OK, wait, were those the credits? They were like a phrase and a half long. Seriously. I’ve farted for longer stretches than that. Oh! Just did!

HEY! PILLS! PILLS IN THAT BOOK! HOW CAN SHE PAY FOR THEM? WHERE CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE GOING?!?!?!?

Ah, Jessica Walter. Slumming. Hey, isn’t that John Stamos’s wife from “Full House”? Fuck. I shoulda watched more “Full House.” Is “Full House” on right now? Could somebody look into this for me?

So I know he’s adopted and all, but I’d like to think that the anorexic’s black brother is not adopted, but is simply just black and nobody really bothers to explain it, like L.L. Cool J. in “Toys.”

Jesus Roosevelt Christ, these scenes are like nine seconds long. I just took a sip of my drink and now four people have had babies.

OK, so I’d like to go on record as saying Jennie Garth looks like 30 times hotter than she did during the entire run of the first series. TATA! JOE E. TATA! WE HAVE TATA, PEOPLE! Awww, and he’s yelling for Willie. He better get more fucken screen time than this. The world needs Tata, people. America needs Tata.

OH GOD! HORROR SHORTS! HORROR SHORTS! GAAAAAAD this is super not good.

“It’s feeling a little thin, guys; we need to thicken it up.” Thanks, drama teacher. Thanks for that. Incidentally, I guess this is the aforementioned “Jewish Temptress” here, with the wig hair and the alleged drug habit and the stealing of the gigantic purse crammed with twenties and the drama club? Feh.

… ummm, OK. So our DVR just skipped an hour and a half ahead. To the ending credits. We cannot rewind. We cannot fast-forward. We have a recording of the show, and we cannot watch it.

If I were riled up enough about this I’d speculate about some manner or another of consipiracy to keep us from this program, or some edict sent down by an angry god bent on further enraging me. But I’m now suddenly completely clear on why this keeps happening: Our DVR clearly cares deeply about us, and has our better interests at heart.

I mean, think about it: It’s spent countless hours with us, sitting quietly by as we fritter our lives away watching “World’s Explodingest Police Videos,” and tonight it finally hit its limit. 90 was a bridge too far.

Category: 90210, Rage, Television
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Comments

4 Responses to “9021-off”

  1. be OH be
    September 5th, 2008 @ 7:18 am

    My new favorite fictional band? Division Day.

    Because, like, only 8 people in the whole school even know about them.

  2. be OH be
    September 8th, 2008 @ 7:23 am

    Oops, I realized over the weekend that they’re a real band. I bet not even 8 kids at school like them though.

  3. briantologist
    September 8th, 2008 @ 12:26 pm

    Wow, I totally thought they were a fake band too. Like they ripped Green Day and Joy Division in half or something. Much in the same way they served “Beek’s Dark” beer at the Peach Pit After Dark.

  4. helenjane
    September 9th, 2008 @ 3:46 pm

    You are performing an important public service by these 90210 posts.

    Additionally, I found all of those broads’ skinniness unnerving.

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