byrneunit

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90210: The Zombie Corpse Rises

Posted on | September 2, 2008 | 3 Comments

From the Yahoo TV listing for tonight’s premiere of the reanimated 90210:

“When a dedicated teacher and his family return to his childhood home of Beverly Hills so he can look after his ailing but still expansively vivacious mother, they all have to adjust: his athlete wife becomes personal trainer to the rich parents of their kids classmates; their sensitive, talented theater geek daughter gets a job at the local cineplex and befriends a Jewish teen temptress who s a genius at self-promotion; and their confident, intelligent adopted son may find himself the subject of unwanted attentions, both romantic and small-minded.”

I would like to call particular attention to the line “… their sensitive, talented theater geek daughter gets a job at the local cineplex and befriends a Jewish teen temptress who s a genius at self-promotion.” Dude, what? Seriously? What? Was there a 10-key error and somebody accidentally typed in 1920 instead of 90210? Is this the episode featuring guest director D.W. Griffith?

I am both deeply apprehensive and totally sucked in by zombie 90. My chief concern is that they’re gonna colossally fuck up and try and make this show legitimately good, thus shattering the core values upon which the original 90 was based. Original 90 was good because it was fucking retarded. From the ham-handed moral lessons to the godawful writing to the thoroughly, deeply mediocre cast, everything about it was jaw-droppingly lukewarm and consistently infuriating. A single well-written or well-acted episode could shatter 90’s legacy like Ahndrea Zuckerman’s glasses the time she got hit by a car.

But I have faith. Faith in the TV, faith in The CW — Faith that no matter how much legitimate talent they throw at this show (and from the looks of the cast, it’s not much!), the spirit of 90 will prevail, and the suck will burn free of whatever dim patina of quality they try to enshroud it in, rising phoenix-like to burn dully until roughly halfway through the second season, when it’s abruptly canceled due to scheduling conflicts with the 277th cycle of “America’s Next Top Model.”

Let me down, The CW. Let me the fuck down. I’m counting on you.

P.S. — Dear god, I forgot to mention I’m liveblogging this fucker tonight. I have to. I must. Also it was totally Emily’s idea for me to do that.

P.P.S. — So apparently the new 90 does not air until 10 goddamn 30 tonight in Chicago, thanks to the goddamn Cubs and their stinkin’ game happening during prime time. Bullshit, I tell you. “11 Million Viewers Deprived of New Suck,” the headlines should read tomorrow. It’s a goddamn travesty.

So apparently I’ll be doing this tomorrow night instead of tonight. Utter crap, I tell you.

Category: 90210, Exciting, Possibly, Existential Horror
Tags: > > > > >

Comments

3 Responses to “90210: The Zombie Corpse Rises”

  1. mia
    September 2nd, 2008 @ 12:59 pm

    Super awesome. Too bad Tori Spelling won’t be back because she’s too D-list to get the money she’s asking for and daddy isn’t there to force people to cast her. HA HA

    I totally can’t wait to see how “young” the old cast is… are they still going to be playing 15 years younger than they really are? Will Dylan be having a turning 30 crisis?!

  2. Spirophita
    September 2nd, 2008 @ 3:12 pm

    I have never seen so many adjectives in such a small amount of prose. I think I might simultaneously watch this show and kill myself.

    I expect a full report tomorrow!

  3. Julia
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 5:49 pm

    Wow. What a description. Way too many adjectives. Couldn’t they have said, “Hey, we’re reanimating a long dead 90’s tv show because we can’t think of anything better to do. Enjoy b*tches!” Apparently not.

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