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bizarre liquor: first blood, part II
By briantologist | November 23, 2008
In the very same liquor store that yielded yesterday’s dimly troubling mingling of lady and liquor, I ran across a similarly vexing fusion of distilled spirits and the rest of the world: a little miracle product named sniper vodka.
Much as it was with Vodka in Red, it’s hard to know where to start with this one. For one, there’s the mingling of semiautomatic weapons and hard liquor. There’s the minor technical quibble that, if one were, in the traditional sense of the word, sniping, an AK-47 might not be the very best weapon with which to proceed. There’s the barrel-to-butt leather strap*, which actually assures the purchasers that they will indeed be able to sling their liquor over their shoulders and march into the night, ready to bravely drop to one knee at a moment’s notice, take aim, and drink themselves into unconsciousness. And there’s the fact that, judging from the illustration on the decal, one is meant to be “sniping” deer with this product, or at least in concert with the consumption of same. (Does one “snipe” deer? Where’s the line between sniping and simply shooting? I mean, technically I guess deer hunting is about as close to actual STA behavior as anyone is likely to encounter in civilian life, but semantically it sort of brings to mind the idea of waiting for some high-value deer to leave his heavily guarded compound, holding your breath waiting for exactly the right moment to squeeze the trigger, silently ending a brutal chapter in some ungulate drug war. Or maybe it’s meant to place the purchaser in the role of some deranged John Hinckley Jr., waiting to drop some flashy celebrity deer — maybe the one who played Harry Potter’s Dad, or the one from the Challenge Butter box — in desperate hopes of impressing, like, Ted Nugent’s daughter or some shit. The mind, she boggles.)
There are no easy answers to the Sniper Vodka conundrum; the desperation of grasping for them leaves only a bitter taste in the mouth and a dozen more perplexing questions in its wake. In place of any real insight, I can only offer this countersuggestion: One would not have to purchase that many bottles of Sniper™ Premium Vodka to equal the cost of a bottle of legitimate vodka and an actual AK-47. Good night and good luck.
* — Remember when I typed the words “barrel-to-butt leather strap”? That was awesome. Also, huhuh. Huhuhuhuhuhuh. Huhuhuhuh. Huhuhuhuh. Huhuh.
Topics: Baffled Mutterings, Chicago, Hoo!, NaBloPoMo, Tales of Drink | 3 Comments »
November 23rd, 2008 at 8:44 am
Is the bottle to the left called Poopsicle? No, it looks more like a bottle of Sharts.
(I want to shop where you shop. Sheer awesomeness.)
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. That is an incredible find! I am, beyond being baffled and bewildered by the Sniper Vodka itself, also really impressed with your liquor store. Where I live, liquor is considered to be so evil that we have only 2 stores in town and each one only carries 3-4 brands of each type of liquor. So we get Smirnoff, Absolut, Skyy, and Grey Goose (each of which is taxed at about 100% rate), and there is no room left on the shelf for Sniper! We clearly do not know how to party like Chicago does, I am saying. (And apparently such a party involves hiding on the roof of a building, watching with a long-distance scope, and waiting for a deer to walk by so you can snipe him with an AK-47 made entirely of vodka. Amazing.)
December 28th, 2008 at 10:31 am
brilliantly written article. haha, love the part about “in the traditional sense of the word, sniping, an ak-47 might not be the best weapon…” Just when you thought they couldn’t possibly come out with anything better than flip flops with built in flasks, or bottled dog water, the makers of sniper vodka prove us wrong.