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    Dear American Idol,

    Wednesday, May 9th, 2007

    NOTE: These are the notes I took for this week’s Idol post, which seem to have become an applicable substitute for this week’s Idol post. Though they were posted after tonight’s results show, rest assured they were composed before tonight’s broadcast. As evidenced by the fact that I did not pick the correct loser. So. [...]

    Dear American Idol,

    Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

    Again this week, I will be writing you, Idol, as ELB has been struck by a protracted case of The Vapors; I believe she contracted it from Gus. Tonight, it appears Seacrest is supporting the hungry by donating his shaving supplies to the Red Cross. Somewhere in Malawi, someone’s face is baby-soft. Meanwhile, in Los [...]

    Dear American Idol,

    Tuesday, April 17th, 2007

    … I will be discussing you tonight in lieu of my betrothed, who had a prior committment in the finished basement of our charming north-town two-flat. So this week is country week, and there’s nothing more country than a horrifying shooting spree. (In Virginia, no less, which is known to be part of the country.) [...]

    Dear American Idol,

    Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

    JLo night! JLo night! JLo night! Ok, we haven’t even started and I’ve already seen the doughy mug of Mickey Dolenz nestled in the audience like a tick. Seriously, if anyone told me that Mickey was their favorite Monkee, I’d have to reconsider our friendship. It is a truth universally recognized that the Monkees Hott [...]

    Dear American Idol,

    Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

    HGB puked all in the bed this morning, I’ve had a sore throat for nigh on two weeks, the car is making a loose, rattle-y, piece-of-metal-dragging-on-the-ground sound. The crushing pain of modern life has amped up the vice grips today and I’m not sure I have the patience for you this evening. I’m sure there [...]

    Dear American Idol,

    Tuesday, March 27th, 2007

    Ok Idol, I was stoked about Stefani night, but it really turned out to be boring night. I guess it’s because she left her comfort women at home. Stefani’s pretty and all, but you have to admit that she’s not exactly blessed with a golden voice. You know that when she heard Mindy Doo belt [...]

    Dear American Idol,

    Tuesday, March 20th, 2007

    Let me warn you, Idol, I have a sore throat and I am in no mood to be trifled with. Yes, yes, I know you’ve got a piping hot serving of Lulu on the menu tonight, garnished with a side of Noone and his laser eyes, but this is like the 10th sore throat, snotty [...]

    Dear American Idol,

    Tuesday, March 13th, 2007

    I have been stoked for Mahogany Night all week, but then once it started I remembered how much I can not stand Diana Ross. Seriously, Idol, I’m tired today and you are seriously underwhelming. Why do I keep expecting you to be better? I guess it’s because you’re really shiny and Paula’s always tanked and [...]

    Dear American Idol,

    Thursday, March 8th, 2007

    Fuck yeah, bitches! You thought you could escape my biting wit and black tar rage this year, but you were wrong, Idol, so wrong. I’m back and since I’m concentrating all my power on you, you’d better watch out because you’ve pissed me off already. See, today my boss sent me to a grammar and [...]

    wooooooooooooooo!!!!

    Monday, February 12th, 2007

    Click! Click! Click click click click! Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick!!!!!!! Cliiiiiiiiiiiiiick!!!!

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